Reflections of my life, '08

....The end is near, the end of 2008 that is. All in all, for me it was a pretty good year. But then my idea of good means that there were no major catastrophe! I'm one that likes the same 'ol, same 'ol, day in and day out. Mundane is alright with me, I don't like surprises. Surprises for me have been, "SURPRISE!", the swat team is in your yard. Or,"SURPRISE!", remember me? I'm the cop you sold pot to! Or, "SURPRISE!", you just came to and your upside down in your truck! Oh, and let's not forget, "SURPRISE!", the IRS has finally caught up with you. Mundane? Yep, it's alright with me.
....So transitionally speaking, it's was a mundane year. I took my meds, lived each day with no surprises, and made it through the second year of my transition. YEAH! Now, let's move on to number three.
....Financially speaking, like everyone, I took a hit. But it was only in part due to the economy of our nation. Gas and groceries going sky high were my biggest problem, like everyone else's. Mine and my wife's wages stayed the same, and everything got more expensive. When gas was over $4 a gallon, we were spending 1/4 of what we make to get back and forth to work. Thank goodness it went down to $1.35 per gallon here, I doubt it will stay there though. And in the middle of the high gas prices, there was my car fiasco. After taking up payments and paying off a note, a friend, an ex-friend, took the car back with me no recourse to get it back. (lesson learned, get it in writing!) That left us with one poor, poor vehicle living 23 miles from work. Every penny we could make went on getting another car, one that you wasn't afraid would break down every time you left the driveway. But we managed, it's paid off now. It gets 100 miles a day on it, so a different one will be needed sometime this coming year. Jees, I'm planing ahead, I never do that! I finally must be growing up!
....Marriage. We are doing better than we ever have. Patty Lou still says my transition is the best thing that could have happened for our life together. We started out 35years ago as friends who feel in love. For 33years, I was a mess of a person who was a bitch to live with, why she stayed with me I don't know. My transition has caused a 180 degree turn around in my life, causing me to become the loving spouse that I should have been. This second year of me full time has been better than the first, and three should be even better than that.
....So out with '08, not that it was bad, and on with '09, I'm sure it will be better.
....I wish everyone a Happy New Year!!

Stephanie

A can't fail New Years resolution.

All of those resolutions to do better at dieting, eating healthy, stopping any addictive habits, you know are going to be broken before the first week of the new year is past. So my New Years resolution for this year is.............
...I'm going to do more of the same things I've been doing.

Can't break that one!

Stephanie

Cover girl...

In music, they do it all the time. An artist will 'cover' a song that another artist has recorded. Some of those, well, they aren't very good. You remember the original and wonder just why in the world they tried to remake it. But every once in awhile, there is one that turns out better than the old one. That's me, better than the old one. Re-formatted, a new beat, a little more seriously structured than before, an entirely new updated version, something you can dance to. So put your dollar in the juke box and go out there and dance. That's where you'll find me dancing through life. It's so much better to dance.

Stephanie

Friends...

Some of you may have noticed there was a Jeffrey that left a comment on my blog a few days ago. Well, here he is with yours truly at Jesters Friday night. He finally found my page after looking for it for awhile He's a great conversationalist, we talk about everything. Last night we covered religion, politics, religion in politics, ...oh, and of course sex. Somehow sex always comes up. (pun intended) But then, when your a tranny it's all about the sex isn't it! lol! He's single girls, and if I wasn't a married woman, I'd ........yep, I would!

...Love ya, Jeff

Stephanie

(don't look at me, I look like poo poo!)

Home, Alone...

After 35yrs of having Christmas with at least some of my family coming home for Christmas, this year, Patty Lou and I were alone, all day. If I'd have known that me changing sexes would keep them away, .....I'd have done it sooner! lol
Oh, but really, Patty Lou and I had a great time today. We opened presents, had breakfast, made and ate the ham and German potato salad, (leftovers in freezer) I put on my makeup, we went for a ride, got two movies, The Women (laughed) & The Bucket List (cried) and just relaxed. It was a big change. Instead of craziness, there was calm. ...Old girls like us like calm! ...Thinking about it, everyone staying away because of me, might just turn out better than I first thought. It's about time the wife and I were able to do what we want instead of entertaining the family, which we were always glad when they left. Rowdy grand kids, the sons-in-law making me uneasy, daughters trying to one-up each other, who needs it? ...OMG! I'm bitchin' like some ol' granny! ...sigh
Oh well, I was always told to act my age, guess that's what I'm doin'! ...or that's my story anyway.

Stephanie

"Yeaaaah Santa!"

I won't know if Santa helped me with my Christmas list, it will take time to tell if he did, but on my 54th Christmas what he did bring me he finally got the gender right. You rock Santa!

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

Stephanie

Dear Santa,

My Christmas list this year is a short one, I only want one thing. It doesn't cost anything, so in this time of recession that's a good thing, right Santa? It's more for my wife than it is for me, although it would make me very happy. I don't know how to do it on my own, but would you help me make my family understand about me? That would allow my wife to see her grandchildren more often. That's all I want. I know I haven't been as good as I should be, please overlook that, Patty Lou has been very good. Does that count? I have milk and cookies waiting for you.

'til next year, Stephanie

Work

Just a pic tonight of me at work. Yep, I still have a job, but the talking between my daughter and me tonight was kept at a minimum. It was a cold and quiet night...

Stephanie
(well, I can't get the picture to load so no pic. I'll try later) Ah Ha!

Somebody take this 'screw me' sign off my back...

Well, I guess I could start at being born with a male body and a female brain and then list all the times that I've been screwed over because of it, but I don't have enough time to make the list, and you don't have enough time to read it if I did. Let's just say that I have been screwed in life, over and over, and leave it at that. Here's the latest time.
About 6 months ago, those of you who read my y360 blog may remember me saying that my daughters little cleaning company had moved up the ladder when the middle man was cut out between us and the Jan-Pro cleaning company who has the original contract with Triumph the airplane parts company were I clean. I was told at that time that I was going to get a 'substantial' raise in pay since it meant about 2k a month more in my daughters pocket, but I would have to wait until the first of the year. Their, her and her husband, having to buy into the Jan-Pro franchise was the reason for me waiting. I waited, expecting maybe 4 or 5 hundred a month more on my check. Today I was given a 100 dollar Christmas bonus and told at the same time that my raise was a f****** 100 dollars a month! That's before taxes. This isn't the first time I've been lied to by them, it's happened time and time again. I worked the rest of the day pissed, and as we were walking out I explained, in a very calm way, that I thought it sucked. Apparently, after she called her a** h*** husband, she then called my wife, her mother. She told her to let me know that that was the best they could do, they had bills. I make less than 1/4 of what they get for this job, my only job. I put in 80% of the labor, which the money is for only labor, supplies are furnished by Triumph. The entire situation boils down to them knowing that it would be next to impossible for me to get another job here and remain in transition. So I get screwed yet again, and again by part of my own family. Y'all girls who lament about your family not wanting anything to do with you when you transition don't know how lucky you are. It is much better to have that a done deal so you can get on with your life anew, than it is to be used by them because they know they can do it and you have very little recourse. I'm going to try and find another job, and until I find one try and keep my mouth shut to keep the one I have. But believe me, new job, bye entire family. And Patty Lou is in agreement with that idea. God I love that woman...

Stephanie
(anybody own a cleaning company? I will re-locate, far from family)

Too early, or maybe too late...

Well, apparently I went to bed too early, my eyes popped open at 3am and my mind won't stop whirling to let me go back to sleep. Most of the redundant thinking stems from me finding out that it will be just Patty Lou and me at the dinner table for Christmas. I guess I haven't become any less hideous in the eyes of my two daughters husbands since Thanksgiving when they stayed away. Hmmm, a thought. Maybe I could sport a pair of DD boobs and show alot of cleavage next year. Men like cleavage! Ahh, the sarcastic jokes are still there, and they come out when I try to cover up my true feelings. Really, I hurt, for me, yes, but much more because I am hurting Patty Lou. I'm the cause for her holidays to be, well, if not dismal, less than what they always were, way less. And with both of us not being in the best of health, there could be but a few left. We need to be enjoying each one as if it were our last, each day as if it were our last. Grandsons and daughters should be seen more often, not kept from us as they are now, all because of me. It isn't right, and I don't know what to do to fix it.I guess all I can do is muddle on, hoping that time will cure some of the problems. I just hope that there is enough time.
...Anyway, there is going to be a huge ham and a large pan of German potato salad, (grandma's recipe that can't be beat!) on the table at noon on Christmas day, just in case your in the neighborhood.

Stephanie

Glitter intolerant!

This is a public service message, or a rant, whichever you prefer.

It's bad enough that I have to vacuum up little pieces of aluminum at work every night from the 10,000 sq ft of carpet that is in the offices and cubicles, but now with it being the holiday season, I now have tinsel and glitter to get out of the carpet. And if you don't know, glitter is not the easiest to get up, even with a commercial vacuum. In fact, there still will be glitter when the carpet has to be shampooed around Easter, and even that may not get it all. Keep this in mind before you break out the glitter in your home.

Stephanie

Sorting the Eggs...

After they gather the eggs at the big chicken farms, they are taken to the processing plant where they are culled according to sex. They do this because they gain weight at different rates. It takes a trained person to be able to tell one from the other, and even these trained people make a mistake every once in awhile. That's why after they hatch these eggs and send them back to the chicken houses to raise, you will find 10,000 hens and a few roosters, or 10,000 roosters and a few hens. But what about a third house? A house for the roosters and hens that, even though they have all the makings of a rooster or hen, they 'feel' they are the other sex. There are some. Roosters steal a nest from a hen and sit on the eggs, and hens mount other hens just as a rooster does. What about having a place for these chickens, a place where they can live until their day is up? ....Why? Because they don't want a special place. They want to be able to be themselves with all the other chickens, without being singled out for being different.

Stephanie

Public Relations...

No, I'm not talking about doin' IT in public, although, there was a time me, a crossdresser, and her niece went to the parking lot at Wal*Mart, and ....Oh, never mind. You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Besides, it's almost Christmas, I have to be nice.

...No, this is about some PR work I did just for me last night. Every year for Christmas, Patty Lou makes chocolate and peanut butter fudge to give to all of our friends and fellow workers. Well this year I asked her if she would make enough for me to take some to my work. We bagged up 40 little bags with five good sized pieces in it and I distributed them to all the people that have been both nice to me, and those that aren't quite enthused about me being around them. The fudge was a big hit. It brought a hug from the more friendly ones, and caused the ones that don't want to interact with me to at least say thank you, and some of those were down right chatty. I loved it! They are slowly finding out that this girl is a real person and not at all what they have had shone to them through television. I am not a Jerry Springer episode! Although..... I'm sure Jerry would have loved having a camera the night I was at Wal*Mart!

Stephanie

"Oh, can you validate my ...being?"

"Yes ma'am, can I help you?" I hear that all the time now, and it sure feels good, however, this morning it was so much better hearing it, probably the best that it can ever get.
...Twice a week for more than 10 years I could be found in the welding supply store here in town, but this morning was the first time 'Stephanie' was in there. This has got to be the scariest, and the last place that I'll be nervous about entering, but their price for propane is the cheapest in town, $20 cheaper for a 100 lb. bottle to be filled, and I couldn't pass up a bargain. I thought there was no way that I would be able to go in there, pay the same person that always waited on me, have the same guy fill it, pass by a half dozen men that knew me, and get out without being ridiculed and laughed at, or at the very least, weird looks with snickers and whispers. In my eyes, I see the same person that used to go in there, but apparently, everyone else just sees a woman going about her business. Not one person even blinked. ..."Thank you, ma'am."
...I'm happy! I'm amazed! I'm thrilled! I'm a woman!
...The parts still don't match my mind, but I am a woman.

Stephanie

Feelings...

There is a performer hidden inside of me that screams to get out. I am not coordinated, I have a tremendous fear of being in front of people, but I have these feelings that burn deep inside of me. I keep saying, "some day". I used to say that about being full time too...

...check these 'girls' out closely. Some, maybe all, are not.

Stephanie

How embarrassing!

Well, at my expense, I figure I'll give y'all a good laugh tonight...
...You know how you try your best to look good all the time. After all, you know that people are going to be scrutinizing you from head to toe, your THE tranny. Well, I knew I was going to have a busy day yesterday, meds had to be picked up, a trip to Wally World, pay a couple of bills. So I got an early start, put on my makeup, and was out the door. Busy, busy, busy, but home in time to make the Spanish Rice-a Roni with peppers and smoked sausage that Patty Lou wanted ready when she got home from work at 2:30 pm. I leave for work at 3:10, so there isn't much time to spare. Since I had already fixed makeup in the morning I just got in the car and off to work I went, met my daughter at 4pm, had the secondary buildings cleaned, and was back at the main building by 6:30pm. We split up once we get there with me doing the offices and her doing the plant. Well, after drinking water at nearly every fountain that I passed, I had to pee. So I go into the ladies room, do my business, and decided that since I hadn't checked my makeup all day I had better take a look. The makeup was fine, but what, what's this? OMG! THERE IS SPANISH RICE ON THE END OF MY NOSE!!! Patty Lou hadn't seen it, my daughter hadn't seen it, and all I could think of was who else could there be that might have seen it. Fortunately, nobody had gotten close enough to me to have seen it, but if it had been a Tue. or a Thurs. I would have been at the main building early enough for everyone to see. I called Patty Lou and she had a big laugh. She called my daughter so she could cackle about it. The people at Patty Lou's job got a laugh today, and now, y'all can giggle. ...sigh
....So girls, I learned a very, very important lesson. Before you leave the house, check your makeup. You can bet from now on, I always will!

Stephanie

Deciding not to decide...

I really don't know why I give thought of weather I want or need SRS, it isn't like I ever plan anything anyway. All of my life I've just went with what the day brings. There was no plan in mind when I started my HRT. I thought, what the heck, I'll do some hormones and see what happens. Well, we all know how that works out. The boobs started growin', but the biggest change was in my head. There wasn't near as much chaotic, angry thinking going on in there. Way cool! So I kept taking them, still with no plan on where I was going. Then, when the boss at my welding job finds out, I'm fired. Two months later, after a near suicide, my daughter hires me in my cleaning job. Three weeks into that I see an opportunity to wear my makeup, so I do. The bra came next, and viola! Here I am two years later. I still don't have a plan, and I really don't think I need one. I've always thought that my life was already written in a big book somewhere, so I might as well just go along for the ride. Things seem to work out for me that way, and when they don't, well, it's going to be on to the next page in the book so I might as well sit back and see where I end up. Hey, you don't get any plans ruined that way! So I've decided, not to decide about SRS, I'll just go with what is written in the big book. No plan. But if any of you get a peek at my page in the book, ...naw, don't tell me.

Stephanie

Wants and Needs...

Me and SRS ......I've been reading blogs for the past three hours. The more I read, the more I want. But do I need? I don't know. It sure would be nice sometime in my life to be able to look down and not be disgusted. But is that a want? In life, we get much more that we want than what we need. Is this another want? Seems what started out as a need for me and became a want, is now, after two years of transition, becoming a need again. Or is it? Or am I just being envious?
...I'm so confused today, I don't want to think anymore, it's time to get off of here. I'll go make me an ice cream cone and pig out. That I know in all surety is a want, not a need!

Stephanie

The Christmas tree...

Physically this transition is going at a snails pace, but mentally things must be changing daily. Memories that were long repressed keep jumping into my head. Some of these are good ones, some, eh, not so good, but I welcome them all because they are a part of me, the me 'Stephanie'. They're making me realize that the fog of boyhood/manhood was thicker than I thought.

A lot of us snoop at Christmas time, more so when we were kids. I guess after having Christmas after Christmas of gifts that were 'all boy', a Tonka log truck and tool belt comes to mind, one year I decided that I'd take a peek. In the middle of the night with everyone fast asleep, I got up after 'Santa' had been there. Most kids knowing that getting caught would not be good would try to sneak as quick as possible, take a look and back to bed. I wasn't like most kids though. The memory that came this morning hasn't much detail, yet, but reading the words 'the Christmas tree', I remembered sitting under the shiny silver tree with the color wheel on in some kind of girls clothes, what or whose I don't know. I had opened a gift with my name on it, hoping that it had something in it that could only be for a girl, me. ...Flannel shirts, disappointment, and then momma catching me sitting there. Repressed memory, put 'Stephanie' away for another day. ...I was well into my twenties, and married, before I would get something that was for 'Stephanie' for Christmas. Like I did in those early years, I hope this year everything I get is for 'Stephanie'. But even if I get nothing, as was the case a few years, I won't be disappointed. I'm finally getting to live my life that I was suppose to live.

Stephanie

No punch line...

A ma'maw, a teen lesbian, and a M-F transsexual walk into a Wal*Mart...



...That sounds like there should be a punch line coming up, but nope, that was just my Saturday morning shopping. My 17yr. old granddaughter spent Saturday with Patty Lou and me. She came out to my wife about 2yrs ago while being schooled about boys and birth control. She said she didn't need it, and after seeing the puzzled look on her ma'maw's face she explained why. Wish I would have known if I was gay or straight when I was that young. Hell I still don't know! How can I with the wrong equipment. Let me get the right parts and then I'll make a decision. 'Til then, I'll go with bi, keep my options open. lol



I went back to Jesters last night. What a difference a night makes! I had a great time, drank only two beers, made it to bed at a reasonable hour, and got up feeling good for work this morning. Patience, I need to learn about that sometime. Every night can't be great, although it seemed that way when I was doin' the crossdressing and excessive drinking thing. But then , how would I know, I don't remember most of it.



Seven hours of cleaning at work today with a sciatic nerve biting my left ass cheek, has just about made me decide that it's time to get something done about a bulging disc in my back. I can't afford the time off though. I may not have a choice, it's getting worse. I sure hope disc surgery has changed in the past 24yrs. The last one was a bitch!

Ok, nothing more from me tonight, I haven't read any of y'alls stuff yet. Is it good? You wouldn't fib, would ya? I didn't think so. Have a good night.

Stephanie

"Yes, that IS me!"

They're going to want to see my ID at the bank this morning. I hate that! The 'M' won't change to 'F', and 'Steven Gene' won't change to 'Stephanie Jean', but I'll get to update the picture in March. Hurry up March!

(other than school age pics, this is the only pic of me pre-transition)

Stephanie

The meat market...

I went to the bar tonight, what for I don't know. Every time I do now I sit there like a lump, like I'm waiting for something. And I know there isn't anything that I want from there. Before this change in me, I would go with the thought in mind that I would find some man to **** me senseless, and I did sometimes, only after getting so drunk that I would barely remember what I had done. And I thought I needed that at the time. It made me feel connected to my girl self that was deep inside me. Now that she's out in the open I have no reason for a tryst, or the wham bam thank you ma'am if you will. So now I go looking for company. The only thing is, everyone that is there is looking for someone to go to bed with and they aren't interested in a tranny who only wants conversation. Other than the obligatory, "Hello, how are you," I get nothing. I feel like a stranger in a place that I used to be the center of attraction. I have got to find something else to do, some place where I can fit in but not be someones sexual object for a short time. Where? That's the question.

Stephanie

'They'...

Well, aren't 'they' just the smart ones. 'They' have come up with a study that says cheer can be passed on. Well, like, DUH! I wonder how many dollars were spent on that study! Wednesday I wrote how a lot of our bloggers out there were writing nothing but gloomy blogs, no joy, telling only of all the troubles that they are going through. There has been little joy in trannyville lately, but an epidemic of sadness. And I do it too. I get to feeling down and write about it, but now I have someone else to blame my sadness on. ...YOU! ...It's all your fault! If you were in a cheerful mood all the time, I'd never be sad. You would pass your happiness on to me. My gosh, do you understand the implications of this? One person writes of good things happening in their life, a few read it and pass it on. Pretty soon there would be hundreds of thousands of happy tranny's walking around with a smile stuck on their face, the rest of the world wondering what was going on. Maybe the rest of the world would catch this good feeling, wars would end, we could change the world! So get happy!!!

......Of course, there could be ramifications for all us smiling trannys. 'They' may think we're all crazy! Oh wait. Most of 'they' already do...

.....Have a good day!

Stephanie

"Our cleaning lady".

........One of the women (Carrie) in the accounting section of the cubicles, introduced me to the new girl. (I'll be danged if I know her name now. Jees)

"This is Stephanie, our cleaning lady."

The glow coming off of me could have knocked you over!

Stephanie
(pic was later tonight, with Eric Clapton in my ears)

What, me worry?

I'm having too easy of a time in this transition, I must not be doing it right. Or am I doing it right and all of you are doing it wrong? No, can't be. Maybe I'm a greater number on the 'How trans are you?' scale. No, certainly not. A pea shy of a full pod, and just don't have the sense to know any better? There's a plausible answer. ..You tell me.
...In my blog reading, I see girl after girl describing in agony how her worries over family, worries over work, worries of how she looks, is she doing the right thing, what will her future be, worry, worry, worry. Could it be there is an epidemic in the trans community? First one writes about it, then two. Pretty soon the whole class has seen the note and everyone is infected, affected. We get an 'I have to be worried, I have to be anxious' attitude, everyone else is, it must be mandatory, or else I might not be trans. Why do we put all that on ourselves?
...Before the big switcheroo, (personally I don't think it's that big a deal) did you worry about work, family, friends liking you, am I doing the right thing for my future? Yep, we did, but nowhere near the extent that we do after our transition started. And why do we when we really don't have to. If something didn't work out to the best before the change, what did we do? Huh? It's an easy question. ......We did, (say it with me class), SOMETHING ELSE! ...Yep, life went on. And that's what will happen if everything falls apart on us in the start, middle, or even in the end of our transition. We will just do something else.
...When we started this exploration, we did it because we couldn't stand staying the way we were. Or, at least I hope that's why you got on this roller coaster. If not, bail out now! So let's say your sitting in the car and the coaster doesn't go. You get out and get on the log ride. Or, maybe it goes, but it stops upside down with you hanging there. Your not going to just disappear. The ride will either go forward again, or eventually you will get down and you'll go get on the log ride. And suppose you get to the end of the ride and think, "well, that wasn't what I thought it would be." What do you do? You go get on the log ride. OK, so what am I trying to say here? Oh, ya. ...I think we put too much emphasis on life. When you look at the big picture, we are really only a slightly smarter animal, whose life, most of us, won't amount to a hill of beans one hundred years from now. We try our best to make the right choices, but before, during, or after the transition, there were, and are no guaranties. If you find you've made the wrong choice, do something else. Stop worrying so much. It's as simple as keeping your head afloat while your on the log ride!

Stephanie

Not the pills Mother gives you...

I was going to write a blog about the effects of hormones on the nether regions, but I got to readin' and, well, it's time for me to sleep. On my trip to the potty, I thought of how I could sum up the jest of what I was going to write.

..."If things shrink much more, I'm going to have to mow the lawn to be able to find the worm!"

...going , going, but not quite gone........

Stephanie