Sunday...

'Steven' used to like Sundays, although most Sundays in his life he was so hung over that he couldn't crawl out of bed. Sunday was a day of recovery, err, rest. A do nothin' day.
...Now it's the first day of my work week, and a boring day at that. My daughter works with me, so I have someone to jabber to, but most times that's the only person I see all day since the plant is closed. That's why I don't like working on Sundays, there's no one there...

'Steven' would have loved it by himself, no one to bring the anxiety and stress that being around people gave him. Left alone, he worked best by himself. 'Stephanie' works best by herself too, but she craves attention, to be seen, to be part of. Strange how the two of them are so different.

...I hate working Sundays

Stephanie

Dog, bone, reflection in the water...

You know the story. Dog sees his reflection in the water and wants what the other dog has, dropping his bone in the water when he opens his mouth to get it.
I've written enough about it, y'all pretty much know my life. Small town, wife, work, I go out on the weekends, well, that's about all there is to it. Ho hum...
Know what I would like? Large city, single, at least six numbers on my cell I can dial for a booty call. Six girl girlfriends who I can cry on their shoulder. Six trans girls who I can hang with, or cry on their shoulder, or help them when they cry. Two best girlfriends, one of each sex. One special man. One special girl. And, excitement.
I would lose what I have if I try to get what I don't have. I should just be happy with what I've got...

Stephanie

Goin' to work...

3:10pm ...."Bye Hunny!" ....belted in ....neighbors car? yep, wave ....radio, 'no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun' ....wave, dirty ol' fart, you don't know me! ....traffic ....wave, teenager, after school, 18?!!, brave ....highway, store, Robert, wave ....plain women, frowning, at me? ....wave, construction worker, you've got a wife, PIG! ....school, busses!!!, F*!#+!!! ....gas station, 16 cents!, should of yesterday ....Mmmmm, bar-b-que ...."GOOOO!!!!", F*#!*% ....no place, park up here ....badge, badge, BADGE!, sigh ....glasses ...."HI" ...."How are ya?" ...."HI Stephanie!" ....work time ....MP3 player, disco night, Cher ....own little world

Stephanie

Fragmented explosions of thought...

I haven't posted anything of importance in awhile, not that I haven't tried. I've sat here every night this past week and written something, only to become frustrated with not being able to get my thoughts across clearly, so I'd delete it, give you a dribble blog, and go to bed saying 'tomorrow'. Actually, the last several blogs that I have posted I feel I haven't worded right to get the point that is in my head out in written form. I think I have figured out why my head is such a jumbled up mess of thoughts lately. Due to me screwing up my order for my meds, I had to cut back on my spiro for three weeks with the last week me being completely off of it. I'm getting that same feeling of confusion that I had before I started HRT. I start writing and three sentences later my train of thought is lost. I'm still on my estrogen, otherwise there would probably be outbursts of aggression along with the confusion.
I'll post this, by now you can see how choppy my thought process is. Anyone who is thinking that starting HRT is just to grows breasts, think again. It does much more.

Stephanie

Danger in the shadows...

Triumph Industries, (work) is located right in the middle of Hot Springs, with five buildings on secondary streets, and three buildings, including the big main one, right on Central Ave. There are motion detector cameras everywhere, with signs saying that they are there, and yet a male worker was mugged right in front of the plant. I now have an escort to walk me out at night when my work is done. In my pre-transition days, I never would have thought anything about this, no fear, but now I feel so vulnerable, so helpless. I never realized that women felt like this, afraid that someone will jump out of the shadows and rob or assault them. Growing up, they must get used to this fear, how I don't know. We as transitioning women say we want all the joys of womanhood, but we forget that there are somethings about being a woman that isn't so much fun. Being afraid when in public is one of them.

Stephanie

A letter to me: Forget the past...

Forget you started out as male. That's the best advise I can give you, also the hardest to do. All of those years of learning how to fix things, how to build things, what makes things work, that 'man' knowledge? Forget it, you won't and don't want to know that stuff anymore. If you continue to remember it you will surely bring it up in a conversation again, outing yourself by talking about things that only a man usually knows about. You'll be explaining about brakes on your car, give too much of that 'man knowledge', and the light will appear in the persons eyes you are talking to. That, "Man in a dress!" look. You've outed yourself yet again. When in conversation with someone, the first thing you should think is, ...selective intelligence. Be smart, but play dumb!

Stephanie

Yesterdays thoughts...

Since it only took me a short time to read this mornings new posts, I thought I'd go back to my y360 page and read my first blogs. I started writing about six months into my transition, right after I had lost my job. (I had a little time to kill!) I was in one of the worst depressions I'd ever been in, so much so that I had my wife take enough of my old rifle to work with her to make it useless to me. I write about getting the job I have now, and then a few weeks later, it tells of me slowly, a little at a time, changing from Steve to Stephanie at work. I wrote how thrilled I was, how it was just 'SO COOL' how people were treating me. Reading these early blogs, reminded me of just how lucky I am to be able to be me and live this life I have now. It's only been 27 months since I went full time, but it seems so long ago, so far away. That old life is fading away, but then there wasn't much to it. It was just a waiting period, and although 'Stephanie' has aways existed, these last 27 months are her life. I can see her growing up, and I wonder what ten years from now will look like.

Stephanie

Paranoia strikes deep...

What is the first thought that goes through your mind when you hear a group of men laughing? Do you automatically think that it might be about you? And, even though you didn't hear any part of what was laughed about, and your completely away from the group, does that thought still run through your mind? Could it be about me? I was in another room when I heard a group of men laughing tonight, and my first thought was could it be about me. Will there ever come a time when my first thought is, I wonder WHAT they're laughing about, and not IF they're laughing at me? I can deal with the laughter when it IS about me, I just overlook it as men being men. But I can't find a way to excuse my own thinking for assuming that it's always about me. I know it's very seldom something said about me, but still that's where my thoughts go. Will that ever go away? I sure hope so, I don't like this.

Stephanie

"...wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door."

Who am I? ...You can ask me that, but don't expect an answer. All of my life I have felt as though I have been a non-entity, someone that is just here as an observer. I've let life take me as it wishes, never setting a course for what I want. Because, I don't know what I want. Other than that one single thought that has been in my head all these years, you know the one, becoming a woman, there's been no other goal, no plans. It was, 'do that first, then I'll decide my life'. Somehow I've let 54yrs. pass by and still no plan, and now, what seems awfully fast, I'm there. I'm two years into this full time thing and I don't have a clue what it is I want to do next. I just bounce along, no direction.
... The reference to Eleanor Rigby? Sometimes I feel that all I've done has been to trade one costume for another, this one in a jar. I don't like feeling this way...

Stephanie

Sucking up Nate...

I have found that all you need is one of these and a vacuum cleaner for oodles of fun!

Steph

Forgotten Memories Remembered...

I'm beginning to dislike these flashes of memory involving things from the past that I had buried deep inside me. Their coming more frequent now. Most are just additions to things that I have written about before. Today's was.
I wrote about this over on Y360, so part of this is a rerun for some of you, but now has a different ending. This incident was about being chased after school (7th grade) by 5 of my classmates, running and hiding, and running some more, until they caught me, knocked me down and pulled my pants down to see if I was wearing panties again. (I had been, but I took them off before they caught me) While sitting on me, a boy made me perform oral sex on him, the others watching, until it was broken up by a girl shouting at them to get off of me. I remembered all the embarrassment of being seen by her, and being seen doing what I was doing. That was where it ended, 'til today.
Today I remembered it had happened on a Friday, and how bad I felt going back to school on Monday and into the same class with the same boys. I remember also that what had happened had gotten to the teachers, because one of them asked me if I was alright about what had happened last Friday. ......Embarrassed, I said yes. ...I remember looking down a lot that day.....No eye contact...

Stephanie

The Purse...

When I was just a weekend girl, I carried a purse when I was dressed and heading out. It would sit empty all week until I filled it with the make-up I'd need while I was out, my wallet, (mans) with money and my DL, some perfume, and , back then, my drug of choice. When you looked in the purse you could see it was just the basic necessities, nothing else. It was, what it was, a part time purse.
3yrs later I carry 'my purse'. 'My purse' has the make-up I need to do touch-ups during the day. 'My purse' has a wallet (ladies) with money and my Dl, my clinic ID, appointment cards, cards with my Internet information, and pictures of grand kids. 'My purse' has no drug of choice, but does have an inhaler, and a bottle full of otc meds. There are also two mp3 players, a headphone, and a cell phone, in 'my purse'.
'My purse' . ...During the course of the day, I either think, or hear myself say 'my purse' 6 or7 times, maybe more. And every time I do I have a smile on my face, 'cause girls have purses.

The voyeur in stall #2...

Most nights that I go to the local gay bar are boring. It's the same crowd, same drunks, and the same drag queens. Nothing happens. But then you have this:

Friday night after traveling my 20+ miles to get to Jesters, I, as usual had to tinkle. (spiro, +a beer) It was early with very few people there, I wave 'Hi' at my two lesbian friends I've been hanging with, and go straight to the ladies room. As soon as I get in the back stall, I hear two girls come bounding in and go into the other stall. It didn't take long for me to realize they weren't there to pee, "Oh Lisa, right there," being the first clue. At this point, my plan was to do my business, flush, and quickly make my exit, but by the time I was done, the throws of passion had built into the, "Oh Lisa, I'm going to cum now," stage, and I didn't want to interrupt this crucial moment, so I sat quietly waiting. About this time, I realized I'd been in there too long to make any kind of a graceful exit, so I started hoping that (1) either they would finish soon, or (2) someone would come in and break-up this love match so I could leave. Neither of those things happened. After the, "You were great, ...you too," exchange, they left the stall and started up in the mirror/sink area! A second chorus of, "Oh Lisa, Oh Lisa," began and played through until finally, after more orgasms were had by them than I ever had in a week they were interrupted by one of the girls I sit with who had come looking for me. They hurriedly left, but were back in there the next time one of our little group had to go! Jees, the phrase, 'like rabbits', comes to mind! After explaining what took me so long, my girlfriends pointed out Lisa and, 'The Vocal One', for I never did hear her name. Cute couple, smiled a lot! From what I can tell, Lisa is very good at what she was doing, and The Vocal One was, well, that's self explanatory. I know, I should have left, but since the roll of voyeur was thrust upon me, I had to play it as best I could. And I did, they never knew I was there. ....or maybe they did! Hmmm...

Stephanie

Girl friend ...

My relationship with most of the 'cubical' people at work, (mostly women) would be considered an acquaintance. I only see them when they work late, and then I come in to their area, say "Hi", grab their trash, and I'm off to the next one. Other then a cursory, "How are you?", I don't really interact much with them, sort of a don't ask, don't tell relationship. But there are a few that are genuinely interested in me and my life, and they pretty much know everything that you know, the stuff that I've written here. I know a little about their life also, and I make it a point to ask about them. Since I've never had a girl friend, I'm having to learn how to have one, and to be one. It's way different than being friends with males when I was pre-transition. But you girls know that. ...Anyhow...Jamie, I would have to consider, is my best girl friend. She has always called me Stephanie, or now Steph, has treated me like any other girl, and we have talked about everything. But yesterday when she told me she was going to be off for awhile to have a hysterectomy, it left me at a lose for words. I was so surprised that she felt she could tell me this, that I forgot how to be a friend and be supportive. A hug would have helped her, but I just stood there like a dunce. She will still work next week before her leave, so I have a chance to redeem myself, thank goodness. Maybe that initial shock I had of being accepted as her girl friend, one that she could tell this very important news to, will be over and I can be a real friend to her. It seemed to me that she really needs one. I hope I can be that friend.

Stephanie

I'm good, and the bad.

The Drs. words were, "..., just keep on keeping on." Now that's good to hear from your Dr. My calcium level has gone down to normal (fewer Tums) and my phosphorous level is normal. Since the free clinic can't authorize hormone level tests, (too costly) my Dr. is skirting around the rules and checking everything else that my HRT might affect. I've had blood drawn 3 times in the last 6 months and tested for various things. He's a good guy. Yesterdays breast exam was the highlight of my day!

And of course, if you have a highlight, you almost assuredly are going to have a low one. ...I went to the courthouse, they don't have forms for a name change, so they sent me to the law library to look at a petition for a name change. The lady asked if this would be the first legal paper I'd filled out, "Yes". She didn't want to discourage me, but, " ... the Judge hasn't granted any one's petition if it wasn't filled out by a lawyer". Oh please, by all means don't discourage me! ...Oh well, I have a friend that works for a lawyer that told me it would cost about $500 if her boss did it. Guess I'll sell blood, ...or something!

And the dog doesn't want to stay out of our beds! ...Arrrrgh!

Stephanie

Walkin' on egg shells...

Well, the lay off rumors at the plant weren't just rumors. They sent 28 people home today with pink slips and a memo stating the cut in the work force was due to the slow economy. Rumor has it though, that they lost a contract with a major company due to sending wrong and poor quality parts. The parts go through umpteen inspections, and they still got it wrong? Jees! It didn't matter if you had worked there 1yr. or 30 yrs., some of each were let go. The greater majority were blue collar workers, of course. It's going to be hard for them to find work around here. There's not much hiring being done. ...I'm not too worried about my job, yet. The contract that we are working under doesn't expire until June. That's when I'll worry. By then, maybe the economy will show signs of improving. Let's hope!

I go see the Dr. tomorrow. It's just my usual check-up, although he had me go for blood work, specifically, my phosphorous level. I don't know what too much, or too little phosphorous does to your body, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow. If I have time, I'm going to the county courthouse and get some info on changing my name. I found out I didn't need a lawyer to do it, I can fill out the forms and file it myself. Maybe, if I understand the forms. Legal stuff, you know.

I'm trying to diet again. I gained 10 pounds since New Years and can see the spare tire inflating. So, it's back on my special pickle diet. I take those big dill pickles and add hot peppers to the jar to get a pickle that is just barely edible. I eat one for breakfast then two light meals the rest of the day. Works for me! Usually I'll lose about 4 pounds a week, with it taking two weeks to eat a gallon jar of pickles. The trick is, eating a second gallon. By then you really don't want a pickle anymore!

Ok, I'm up late, and I have to get up early. BYE!

Stephanie