Faces...

Patty Lou basically uses this computer for email and games, playing hours and hours of spider solitaire. She knows she can click on this site anytime she wants to, but she doesn't, granting me my privacy I suspect, but I haven't asked. The only time she reads anything here is if I ask her to come see it. She hears me talk about you all the time, but for the most of you, she has never seen your faces. Knowing that adding a face to a blogger here gives the writer a, I don't want to say credibility, maybe realism, how 'bout, gives the writer a personality. You feel you 'know' them. This is what prompts this idea I have. I want to take your picture and use it for my desk top picture. Then when she turns on the computer she will see your picture and ask me who you are. I'll change the picture every now and then giving her a chance to 'meet' all of you. No one else will see your pic, just her, so you can be assured I'm not going to throw your picture to the Internet wolves! Now, I know I could do this without you knowing, but it doesn't seem right if I would. I'm NOT that kind of girl! lol ...If you have a favorite pic you would like me to use, you can email it to me.
.......What do ya think? Good idea? Yes? No? ...Let me know....

Stephanie

Only one Little Debbie to choose from...

There are no bad experiences, for even when something doesn't go like we expected, we still learn from them. That's a good thing, we've become smarter.
I learned some things during this weeks 'hair debacle'. First I learned what didn't work, so I won't try that again! That try, though costly, let me rule out just one hopeful endeavor to fix my hair problem, there are still more options. Second, one of those options is a wig, a last resort option, but one that I know will absolutely fix said problem. A cure, fixed, a working solution. True, I will have some discomfort with wearing a wig, both mental, which I will become adjusted to, and some physical, which won't be, or never has been before, as great as having those hair pulling, head itching, not being able to brush your hair properly, pieces of hair attached to my own hair. Sleeping was hell! At least the wig comes off when you don't want it or need it, extensions don't. ...See how smart I've gotten?!! ...sigh
Something else I learned was, as I realized that the extensions weren't going to work, my reluctance to wearing a wig dwindled. ...If you only had one Little Debbie to choose from instead of 15 different varieties, and you absolutely had to have one for your munchies satisfaction, that one would do just fine, and may even become your favorite, given time!
...Do I think way too much? Ya, I analyse everything in my quest to learn 'why'. It gives all those voices in my head something to discuss, which as you can see, didn't leave me alone long enough so I could take that break I said, and know, I need. I've thought it through, it's written, maybe I can put it to bed.

Stephanie
...Oh, I did go get my drivers licence re-newed before the extensions were taken out. A pretty pic for the next 4 years. woohoo!

I'll be singin' the blues 'til further notice...

Friends, or more like my extended family, I love y'all...
...I'm taking a break.
...I'll be back soon...

Stephanie

Trial, error, and accepting one's fate...

Hair extensions should be used for what they were intended for, extending the length of ones hair. (that's probably why they call them extensions! duh) Trying to use them to fill-in thinning areas on top will leave you with an unsatisfying look which will cause you even more frustration over your hair problem. So much frustration in fact, that your thoughts automatically jump back to that old safety net, or safety it seems, of returning to that shadow of a man you were.

..."If I can't be comfortable with the way I look as a woman, why not be uncomfortable as a man where looks are less important?"

Of course it isn't as easy as that, I couldn't go back, but there that thought was, right out front. Yep, and me having told many of you that it isn't how you look that matters, it's how you feel. Forget what I've said, I'm an old fool. For on this day I would gladly, without hesitation, exchange any chance of ever having SRS and acquiring a feeling of being whole, for a full head of hair and looking like I was whole.

...Sorry, today my thoughts are all about my hair and trying to come to terms with the knowledge that I'll have to wear a hairpiece or wig, as bad as I hate that. The extentions will be washed out as soon as possible. It looks like I'll be living in my 'gray' world for awhile, down an out. I'll try not to poop in your comment section...

Stephanie

Hair...

...it's twice as good as I expected, but half as good as I hoped for.

(Ok for now, but it's painfully clear that I will be wearing a good hairpiece or a wig soon...)

Stephanie

Do you see what I see?

So, after 'hanging ten' surfing tonight, surfing this transgender wave of all you beautiful women in transition, I find myself wondering. Why is it since all of you women are just like me and were born of the same mind and body as me, when I look at your pics you all look so feminine, and when I look at my pic all I see is that male flawed face of mine staring back at me? Those brief flickers of me seeing nothing but a female face looking back at me are too far apart and never last long enough.

Oh well, that's enough confidence shattering for me tonight. ...sigh ....on to tomorrow. Good night...

Stephanie

Bits and pieces...

Let's see, the weekend. I did nothing all day Fri. Primped a little during the day, then went out Fri. nite. I should have stayed home. Everyone stayed home waiting for the Miss Gay Hot Springs Pageant on Sat nite. I went home early opting for a good night sleep. Sat., I met Patty Lou at Wal*Mart after she got off work, a normal Sat. How can two people eat $120 worth of groceries in a week, every week? When we first got married, that would have paid a weeks worth of groceries, ...and a house payment! Ahhhh! Time flies...
Since I'm not fond of pageants, we went to Patty Lou's favorite restaurant Sat. nite. and then rented a movie, (Milk) and went home and relaxed. And no, this wasn't a, "gee I feel so guilty for spending $500 on hair" date, although we did joke about that. I had already told her I was taking her before I set the hair appointment, which got changed to Tues. so you'll have to wait 'til then for pics! While we were at the restaurant, a man from work who has been noticeably avoiding me, stopped at our table and said hi, wife and two daughters with him. Surprised me! There were quite a few workers from the restaurant stop by to say hi too. It's as though we are celebrities! ..."You love me! You really love me!" ...Who knew trannydom could have it's rewards?!
Today was a work day. ...yuk, ...but easy. Now your caught up on this exciting life of a girl in transition. It's becoming too frickin' normal!

Stephanie

Oops!

I walked in on someone tonight. Yep, into the men's bathroom only to look straight at, um, well he was hung, let's put it that way! I didn't think anyone was in there, I'd been cleaning around the entrance for at least 10 min. without anyone going in. I don't know what he was doin' all that time, but he was tucking things away when I walked in. I not so quickly hide my eyes, (it seemed like a long time anyway!) and said, "Oops!" "Sorry." Apparently, I had on a little too much blush because when he was coming out, he stopped and said he didn't mean to embarrass me. (Believe me, I didn't blush! maybe a tingle and a shutter! a hot flash or two!) I looked myself up and down, done the finger point, and said, "If I wasn't able to get over a little embarrassment, I wouldn't be able to leave the house." We laughed, and went our separate ways. Then I realized it's been a long time since that statement was true. It was true before I stopped wearing the 'bimbo' look, which coincided with the HRT kicking in, which decreased my sex drive, making it seem pointless to have a butt showing skirt on. Jeans and a top took it's place. I never was embarrassed about appearing as female, but was embarrassed for what I was wearing. Testosterone made me do it! Evil stuff!

We all have to learn how to handle embarrassment, get past it, otherwise we couldn't take that first step out of the house. That's just one of the things that bonds us all together. ...I wonder. Is there any other group that can say that?

Stephanie

Prayers answered...

I stopped praying the, 'please make me a girl' prayer a long time ago. In fact, other than asking that my family be alright, I stopped praying FOR anything. When something good happens, I've found that saying thank you to whoever is in charge up there works best for me.
Monday, in my excitement about my hair, I neglected to tell you that my Florida daughter had wrecked her car. She hydroplaned, hit the guard rail, then flipped her '07 Mustang 4 times. She was wearing her seat belt, unlike the girl she was giving a ride to, but both of them were able to walk away with only cuts and bruises. My thank you prayer came right after I heard that she was alright. I never felt that I had a very good relationship with whoever or whatever is in charge up there. I haven't been the best person in the world, breaking most commandments, so I won't ask for anything for myself. All I'll keep asking for is that my family be safe and healthy, and say my thank yous when something good does happen for me.

Stephanie

Are the men in white coats here?

Yes, it's time for me to be put in the padded room, ...again. I had to throw in that again 'cause of one night spent in there when I told the Army all about Stephanie. They weren't amused! ...Anyhow, I'm sure I've lost it, it being my sanity. For when my new hairdresser explained to me how she was going to add hair to my thin spots and then said it would cost $500, I said, ..."When can you do it?" Knowing that this will not last long, knowing also that I won't have the money to re-do it when it comes time, and me not having a clue as to what to expect when done, I still went and gave her 5 one hundred dollar bills that I had hidden in my pretty little wallet, all the time thinking, "What will Patty Lou say?" ...sigh

She thinks I'm crazy too, but she didn't give me any grief over spending the money. Ain't she a sweety?!!! ...So Monday the 23rd, at 9am, I'll be in the chair getting 'something'? done to my hair. It's suppose to take about 6 hours so I'll be going straight to work when Jessica is done. ...BIG SIGH...I'll be surprised, they'll be surprised, and I hope you'll be surprised when I post a pick later that night.

..............OMG! I've posted a blog with a cliff hanger! lol

.......................(there's the before pic)

Stephanie

Last chance...

Well, tomorrow is D-day when it comes to my hair. I've got a consultation appointment at the best place in town with the best hairdresser experienced in hair extensions and such. I imagine that even if she can do some magic with it, it will cost so much that I can't afford it. But I want to find out for sure, not knowing would haunt me. My next alternative is going to a better wig store and see if a hairpiece will be acceptable to me. I have a thing about not wanting anything 'fake' about me. I was fake when I was a man, it just seems right that now that the real me is here, everything about me needs to be real. And yes, I know the extensions would not be real, but they would function and look as if it was my own hair. That's important to me, I just hope it's feasible. You girls who are lucky enough to not have a male hair problem may not understand, but this hair issue is infinitely more important to me than even SRS. I will feel as though I have arrived, a coming out party WILL ensue. There will be no more remnants of my old life exposed to the world, I will be free of that old self. The baseball cap will be buried and tears will be shed, most assuredly before I leave the salon. Wish me luck!

Stephanie

Dog tired...

We, my daughter and I, found out late Friday that the people from corporate headquarters were coming today, (Monday) so we cleaned that nasty airplane plant from top to bottom yesterday. Having worked 11hrs, today I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I haven't had more than a 7 hour day in nearly two years. Add to that, my sedentary lifestyle, (I sit on my butt a lot!) not being in shape, cleaning places that even your mother wouldn't look, and every part of this ol' girl is hurting. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should get myself on at least a minimal exercise program. I never had to do any extra exercises when I was doing construction work, it kept me in physical shape, although I did weigh 40 pds heavier. (due to excess beer, excess herb, followed by excess munchies!) HRT probably has something to do with me being so tired today too. I've never heard of anyone in sports going on a no testosterone, pumped full of estrogen regimen for endurance! Me sitting here writing isn't going to help in any quick recovery either, least I forget that I have to be back at work at 4pm. Falling in that 'silver lining' category, the place is clean, it should be an easy night! I'll empty the trash cans, resupply the paper products, and say goodnight. That's the plan for now anyway. Who knows what my daughter has in mind! ...sigh

Stephanie

One of the voices wants to know.

"Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?"

Did I turn off the 'on' switch, or turn on the 'off ' switch? Either or, neither nor? Did I lose my panties, expose too much, and scare you all away? Maybe I've used too many comas,,,,, and you've become crazed with coma comatosis,,,,, giant comas chasing you through the brambles,,,,, you screaming you just can't take it anymore. Don't be scared, comas don't bite. But watch out for these little things, >>>>>, they're sharp!
What is it? I haven't heard from you in a long time. Did you leave me here alone? Did ALL of you run off with Uncle Joe to Fire Lake? It's a little cold this time of year, but I would have went with.
.....sigh ...Sorry y'all. I'm just feeling a little needy today....
.....I'll just sit here in this dark corner and wait 'til you get back.

Stephanie

Something stinks!

"A man wearing women's clothes was arrested for sexual misconduct in a city park here in Arkansas. He was standing outside a women's bathroom masturbating and trying to lure children into the bathroom."

.......This story ran last night on our local news, the first of it's kind as far as I can remember. What bothers me about this story is it follows the rantings of these religious groups trying to stop transsexuals from getting any legal rights near verbatim. It's just too perfect.

"Men in dresses will go into the women's bathroom to molest our children if we give transsexuals the legal right to be in there."

....... I don't know, call me paranoid, but it seems like this might just be a set up. This man has never been in trouble before so other than registering as a sex offender, he won't get much of a penalty for this crime. A poor man will do almost anything for what seems to be a lot of money to him, when in reality it's just a drop in the bucket for a group of fanatics bent on keeping us from obtaining any transgender rights. Now the citizens of Arkansas have an unfavorable opinion of ANY "man" wearing women's clothes, we're all molesters. Do you think that these anti-rights people would do this? Coincidence? I don't know, but it sure stinks to me.

PS: Went and seen two hairdressers today. Neither of them had a favorable solution for the thin hair problem, so I'll keep looking and gathering information.

Stephanie

Some day...

Yes, I'm one of those people, the kind that keeps saying 'some day'. I'm a procrastinator, I put things off, sometimes indefinitely. The things that I HAVE to do, if it's something that I'd rather not do, or if it might be embarrassing to me, I wait until the last minute to do and then begrudgingly do it. It's come the time for one of those 'have to's'.
My birthday is coming up, and it's time I renewed my drivers license, they expire in 24 days. Knowing that I want to have something done with my hair before the new picture, I've been saying 'some day' for a long time now. My reasons for putting this off are valid, at least to me, but as you know, a 'have to' trumps all reasons. My list of reasons are: First, I will be going into the holiest of places for women, the beauty shop. This and one more time will make two times that I will have been in this sanctuary for women. This alone rattles my nerves. Add to it, I'll out myself as a M-F transsexual with a thin hair problem who has no idea what can or can't be done to fix this problem. And then to top it off, I'll have to SHOW them this problem. Can I chose the firing squad instead? Or maybe allow me a Valium? I promise I won't abuse it!
...sigh ...Tomorrow it's sink or swim, do or die, hair or yuk for a picture which will be on display for the next 4 yrs. Now I've written it here, y'all have been told. I'll feel like such a fool if I don't go through with it. Y'all are my cattle prod. Now zap my a** through the door!

Stephanie

3611 Old Dallas Rd.

When we moved out here in the boonies in '87, it was peaceful. The road was dirt, which that dry summer turned into 8 inches of dust. Thank goodness a car would pass by about every three hours. I had a mother-in-law living a 1/2 mile away, evil woman, but she didn't bother anyone because she was too lazy to go anywhere. Down the dirt road beside us, more like a long driveway, lived an old man in a ramshackle cabin made up of scrap lumber. He was a good neighbor to have, you never seen him other than him going to town once a week. One winter I farted around and left my firewood supply dwindle to nothing. Him seeing me in the snow picking up pine knots to burn in our wood stove, about an hour later, here he comes with a load of firewood. A good neighbor. It was two miles to the next house, I never knew the people who lived there, I was just as reclusive as the rest of the people who lived out here. The road got paved, the neighborhood changed, with houses popping up everywhere. But still, other than a wave, you never interacted with your neighbor because, like me, they wanted their privacy. This quiet, country life was what I needed, sort of a place to be myself, my crossdressing self, hiding from the prying eyes of city life. Over the past two years, my "all girl, all the time" status, has brought many changes, including my need to be with people. I shyed away from them before, now I crave their company. I have at least two more years on a bankruptcy until I can sell this place and find us a house in town. I'd like to buy one now when the housing market is geared for buying, and then sell this house later when the market improves, if it does. But that's not possible, my finances aren't there. Maybe I'm fantasizing what it will be like living in town with houses all around me, neighbors to meet, friends visiting. The neighbors may want to be left alone, they haven't changed, I have, and they may not want to know the transsexual living next door. But I'm going to knock on their door and say Hi, because this girl is slowly coming out of her self imposed exile, out of her shell, and wants to meet the world. I still don't have the comfort level with people that I want to have, but it's a far cry from what it was, and will only get better as time goes by. The male me wanted to hide, the female me wants to be out there. Most people wouldn't understand that, but us transsexuals do. It's great to be real.

Stephanie

Transsexual curious...

When it comes to sex, in the eyes of men, straight men, it seems that I'm an interesting oddity. Both Fri. and Sat. nite I found myself sitting down at the bar with two different men who had walked from the hotel across the street and wandered into the gay bar. Both were suppose to be straight, although how you can say your straight and then want to take a tranny to your hotel room is beyond me. Fridays was about ten years older than me and I believe was under the influence of Viagra. (sweating, eyes that said he HAD to have sex now) He didn't have any chance with me, and wouldn't have had much chance even when I was being a little drunken slut in my pre-trans days. Saturday's was 47, rugged looking, bigger than me, and mmmm, mmmm, good looking. He was kind, considerate, and didn't come-on too strong. My kind of man! Pre-trans, I'd have been dragging him out the door, but I was a good girl. He went to his room alone, and I went home alone. The thing about this is, I want to see what it's like being with a man when I'm not blitzed out of my mind. I've never had sex with a man when I was sober, and I haven't been with a man since my transition started. I am VERY curious to say the least, especially since men are looking a lot different to me than they used to. I'm thinking in terms of which ones are handsome and which ones aren't, which ones I'd like to, and which ones I wouldn't. Sex has been on my mind a bunch lately, especially submissive sex, my favorite, and the only kind I can have now. And by now, I'm sure your saying, "Your a married girl!" And I'm remembering that too. It's all very frustrating.
...I'm sure there will be more on this subject to come.

Stephanie

Unbiased opinion...or not.

I would like to have a girlfriend, a best girlfriend, one that would tell me what I need to work on in my presentation. I have Patty Lou, but I know that her opinion of me has 35yrs of marriage attached to it. I'm sure she tells me what I want to hear and not what I need to hear. When I'm talking with someone at work, I do get that, "I didn't know" line from them, but I don't want to put much into that because what else would they say when I'm standing in front of them, certainly not a list of faults. I want to know that list, correct the faults, improve myself, as we all do. But then I wonder. Do I really want to know? I've purposely kept from recording my voice to see how I sound. I think it's good, it doesn't seem to out me, but I don't know. Maybe I'm better off not knowing, the truth might hurt. Ya, I think I'll just put my head back in the sand and shake my tail feathers when I feel the need. Obliviously happy.

Stephanie

Ask Stephanie...

There are marker, chalk, and cork boards all over the office/cubical part of the plant where I work. They like posting graphs and, well, you name it, and it's on a board for all to see. I was thinking tonight how I'd like to have my own board, sort of an 'Ask Stephanie' board. They could ask me anything, I wouldn't put any limits on the questions. Wouldn't that be fun! Even though I've talked to a lot of the people there, I know that things get assumed and guessed about me. With it on my board the whole plant would get first hand knowledge of me and no gossip or rumors could be spread, not that I've heard any. The board thought came to mind when I saw the new guy being clued in about me tonight. I could see it from across the plant floor. He was told, he goes, "NO, really," while looking at me from about sixty feet away. (Alright!, I look good at that distance!) It made me wonder just what was said, not that I care, but I'd like to get the facts straight anyway. There's 375 people that work there, and I only interact with about 60. Can you just imagine what the rest of them have heard through the grapevine? I'd like to educate them with the facts so they have a realistic image of what transgirls are all about. Not that I'm the best example, but I'm the only one they got. (Another would be nice!)
Yep, the more I think of it, everyone should have a board. But then, most people aren't as open about their life as I am. There would probably be a lot of blank boards or boards with, "Author refuses to disclose." There are very few things that I haven't written about either here or on my old 360 blog, and they would hurt someone else so you'll never hear about them. Guess I lied, there's a line drawn already. ...sigh
...jees, I'm rambling. Time for bed.
So what do you want to know? Just ask Stephanie!

Stephanie

Compound confusion...

I've been back on my spiro since Friday and I still have a thunderstorm of thoughts in my head that I just can't seem to separate. It's all just a jumbled mess. I sat here two hours last night writing how my image of myself is slowing changing. I wrote, I edited, I wrote some more, I edited some more, then, after reading the final draft I realized it was a big mess of confusion and deleted the thing and went to bed mad at myself for not being able to express my thoughts. It's VERY frustrating! Maybe I need to cut back on the meds, even the pain control meds, they could be screwing with my head. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to write something that I feel others would want to read. Or maybe I'm just a blooming idiot with a 10th grade education and shouldn't expect myself to write anything deeper than a Dick and Jane story! (See Spot run. Run Spot run!) Maybe, but then there's this high IQ number they attached to me that makes me think that I should be able to write great things, or at least coherently. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I think too much...

Oh, my body image is changing. I'm slowly seeing myself as a woman. It feels great.
...there, at least that was coherent...arrrrggh!

Stephanie