Somethin' just isn't quite right about me.

Well, I won't start a list of the numerous things that ARE wrong with me, I'd never be able to finish the list. I don't think I'll live THAT long. Tonight I'll just pick one of the many that I don't understand the whys, because ofs, and how to fix it, or, if it even needs fixed.

I don't know why I do it, but when I talk with someone, either one-on-one or in a small group, I find myself mentally backing away from the group, person, situation, and wondering what it looks like, what I look like, from a distance. I've even had dreams where I sit in the shadows, watching myself, watch myself. And it isn't about the way I look, it's more like I'm watching to see if I make a mistake, a blunder. I guess that's the perfectionist in me, I hate making a mistake. I'll even not attempt something rather than to try and fail. This certainly can't be good, and I bet that a good therapist could tell me why I do it. Too bad I don't have one. (I'm working on a remedy for that.)

So all you Lucy's out there with your sidewalk booths set up for 5 cent psychiatry, diagnose my problem. You certainly will give just as good of advise as any of the many high priced shrinks that I've seen. I've never been pleased with any of them. At least you know what it's like to be transgender!

Stephanie

Name change...

Just a note. I'm changing the name of my Dear Diary blog to, 'Just Stephanie, the prequel'. It's a more descriptive title I think.

Stephanie

It's a boy!

Over the long weekend I became a greatgranny! ...Ok, it was just a temporary thing, as my granddaughter had one of those anatomically correct babies to take care of for one of her classes at school. It was programmed to eat, cry, burp, cry, pee, cry, sleep, cry, and occasionally smile and laugh. 3 1/2 days of taking care of "Jacob" and she decided she's NOT going to have children, she'll get a dog. Apparently she did a pretty good job of taking care of it, her teacher said she had one of the happier babies. A friend of hers was in tears when she showed up at school Tuesday. Her baby cried all weekend, her finally taking the batteries out of it and putting it in the shed! Ah if only parenting was that easy! lol

Steph...

Although it's very dimly lite....

...there's a light bulb over my head tonight.

Could it possibly be that transgender stuff is constantly swirling around in my head because I have no other interests to occupy it? DUH!


My hobby used to be dressing up. Guess I need a different hobby.

Stephanie

No help

Since I had to go to the clinic to pick-up my monthly prescriptions, I asked if they had a program for mental health help. I had heard they did, but was disappointed to hear that it was through the Community Counseling Center here in town. They are the same ones that I first went to nearly 40 yrs ago, me having gone to them maybe a dozen times though out the years til now. The last time I was there was almost 3yrs ago, seeking help after looking down the wrong end of a rifle. I didn't get any help, as usual, instead I started my transition. Their reduced rate, if you qualify, was $45 for a 40 min. session, now it's $80, very reasonable if you have money you can spend on that. I do not. I make a dollar an hr. more now than I did then with the cost of living double what it was then. I can afford it only if Patty Lou and I don't eat for a week. Other than that, they have a free 15 min. session on the first and third Monday of the month starting at 5 pm, when I'm at work. There are no GLBT groups close by, and I haven't been affiliated with a church in over 40 yrs. I am at a loss for what to do, where to go. I have an appointment to see my GP on next Tuesday, maybe he can help.
After leaving the multi-million dollar building housing the mental heath facility, a good thing did happen. I had a 15minute cleansing cry, my emotions pouring out of me. It didn't do my make-up any good and my eyes are all puffy, but it relieved some of the tension that has been building in me.
I will survive this as I have before, and I will have to again, it is re-occurring. Big hugs of gratitude to you girls who are there for me. I hope you know you are much more to me than friends.

Stephanie

My question tonight

If I am able to have SRS, will it stop the constant churning in my head about my gender dysphoria? Someone please tell me it does. I would hate to think that I am reaching for a "cure" that would still leave me with a head full of transgender thoughts never coming to an end. I've seen in many girls blogs the words, "I just wish it would end," meaning their gender dysphoria. I've not read in any post-op girls blogs that it does. Do I have to live with this continuous barrage of thoughts all of my life? I shudder to think that is just the way it will be with nothing I can do about it.

Stephanie

Falling apart...

My emotions are running amok. I sat in a crowded bar last night, me in the corner away from everyone, crying because I was alone. I don't know how to be social. If I get enough courage to try talking to someone, they see the uneasy feelings I have and soon leave me to my loneliness. I started out in this world different, I've lived my life being different, and even now after this change I'm still different. I don't want to be different anymore. I want to be like everyone else, I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Today, after not receiving any praise for a miner accomplishment, I exploded at Patty Lou, her being the only one in my life that I could possibly receive any praise from. She is no help, she tolerates my transition, she doesn't encourage it at all. I need someone to be involved with my transition, someone who's not just a passive bystander. She hears me speaking of what I want, what I need, the next step for me, but I get no help in achieving it. I'm more alone now than I was pre-transition. My nervous system is at it's limit, I can't do this much longer. I fear how this will end, for I know I can't go back, I can't go back. I'm going to seek help this week, from where I don't know, I just know I need it.

Sorry about this gruesome entry, I hate writing it more than you hate reading it. Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine and these clouds will be just memories, for that is my world.......



Stephanie

TGIT...

Thank God it's Thursday and my workweek is over. Since I was waiting three of my mornings for the Sat. dish installer, and I don't wait well, I did housework and yard work until it was time to go to work. Today I walked behind a mower for three hours. And since I live a sedentary lifestyle, other than work, all this up and about has me pooped. I'm doing nothing tomorrow! I'm off Friday & Saturday, work Sunday (yuk), then off Monday. We have no special holiday plans, but I'm taking Patty Lou to her favorite restaurant Saturday night. .....Shhhh, ...it's a surprise!

Stephanie

Where's my sledgehammer?!!!

Why must all of these electronic gizmos be so %!^#~!?"ing complicated? ARRRGHHHHH!

Steph...

Is it possible...

...that a man is so dumb that you wouldn't go to bed with him? A day late, my satellite dish installer finally came out this afternoon. He was about 6' tall, really good looking, muscular, 22? yr. old, who had half the tools he needed to do the installation. He used my post driver, reciprocating saw, an extension cord, and needed a 1/4 inch driver for his drill to put in the screws. I didn't have a driver, but I showed him a trick with the chuck on his drill. (gee, that sounds naughty!) As I talked with him, it was very apparent that the only thing he knew how to do was install satellite dishes. The boy was brain dead! I thought, 'Well, a half hour with him might be fun, as long as he didn't talk! Then he'd have to get out of bed and wave goodbye!' Of course, it is possible I might have been disappointed with him there too! ...sigh
(I may have intimidated him just a wee bit, he sure didn't know what to think of me!)

Stephanie

It's too late, you already clicked on here.

Sorry, this will be a screwed up entry. I've got so much going on in my head I can't concentrate on any one subject.

I've been real emotional the last few days, crying at sad things, happy things, nothings. I had to pull off of the road this morning for a good cry. Driving along, a thought jumps into my head. "Ya know, 2 1/2 yrs. full time, things are going real good with this transition. OMG! What if I really am trans?" (ya know, they really need to come up with a definitive test for this) We all look for an explanation as to why we are like we are, even "normal" people. A definite, YES YOU ARE would help me a lot.

I've got umpteen things that need to be done around here and no will to do them. I can't get the trans voice in my head to shut-up long enough to allow me to do them. ...."All trans, all the time!" ... It's a wonder I don't go crazy.

Sex. Sex with a man. Sex with a woman. Sex, sex, sex. I can't stop thinking about sex. I thought these pills were suppose to stop that. .....Hmmm, the satellite dish man comes tomorrow. I'll paint my face early and wear my tight jeans. I'll be ready...

Diet. At work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I lose 5 pounds. Off on Friday and Saturday I gain it back. I need a weekend job.

I heard a joke while I was at the bar Sat. Your riding a horse, a giraffe beside you. You look behind you and see a lion about to eat you, the horse, and the giraffe. What do you do? ....You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

I'll go now. I'll make a better reader than a writer tonight.

Stephanie

RE: yesterdays "family" pic

Looking at that family pic made me think of something.
Since I'm not my oldests biological father, I didn't have this to deal with. But when Patty Lou told me she was pregnant with our youngest I prayed it wouldn't be a boy. I was terribly afraid that if the baby were a boy, it would have all those girl feelings that I had. I was so relieved when Cindy was born. I was adamant after that I didn't want anymore children. I hated that I felt that way, but I just couldn't chance having a boy and him turn out like me. It was sad that I felt that way then, and it's sad that I feel that way now.
Is there anyone else who feels this way?

Stephanie

Family

So long ago. That little munchkin I'm holding turned 35 today!

Stephanie

Just another old pic...

Yes, I know. This blog is suffering with me spending my writing time on my retro diary. Don't worry, I'll be finished soon. Then I'll be back here again to grumble about being stuck in the middle of transition. Can't wait, can ya!

( Picture. A 20yr old Stephanie. again, sorry about the quality)

Stephanie

Well now, here's a big DUH!

While writing in my other blog, I realized Patty Lou knows very little about "Stephanie" growing up. She knows almost everything about "Steven", but not much about Stephanie. After being married for nearly 36 years, the last 2 1/2 of which I'm living as Stephanie, I think it's time we had a talk. .....DUH!

Stephanie

The only good use for "T"

I think of myself as being in fairly good shape, certainly better than a lot of 55 year olds. My work is a lot of bending and walking, lifting, and climbing of stairs. I'm getting more exercise now than I was when I was a welder! Something I never did before, I'm even taking vitamins. (prenatal*) So adding a little more work to my normal workload shouldn't make me feel so tired and run down, should it?
And then it hit me. There is very little "T" in my system. That drug of male sex addicts, energy enhancer for professional bicyclists, and the cruel joke that was played on us trans girls, has been purposely zapped from my system and is being replaced with estrogen. Add to that my poor sleeping pattern and it's no wonder that I'm tired!
So there you go girls. Other than helpful in making babies, giving you strength and stamina is all I can find good about testosterone. I'll stick with the plan I'm on. If I get too weak, I'll find me a big, strong, testosterone infused, muscle man to help me out!

Stephanie

* It was suggested by quite a few people to start taking prenatal vitamins with the idea that some women who take them experience hair growth. In my quest for a hair cure, I'll try anything! Besides, it can't hurt taking them, and if by some chance there would be a miraculous pregnancy I'd certainly want the baby to be born healthy! LOL

Tonight...

I'm getting here about 1 1/2 hours later tonight. I told my daughter I needed to make more money. She gave me more work. That really wasn't what I had in mind! Oh well, I'll be gettin' about 6 hours more a week, 24 a month. That will cover the taxes they take out every month.

And while we're in the money department... I jokingly told Patty Lou Saturday that I should just put my whole monthly check (it was payday) on a long shot in the Kentucky Derby. If I would have picked the one that DID win, I would have won about $60,000! ...sigh ...it wasn't meant to be. (I don't gamble anyway, too hard to earn it)

I've already decided that my Dear Diary blog will be renamed, to what I don't know yet. Maybe, 'Stephanie, Yesterday'? I don't know. I know I'm just not happy with Dear Diary. Suggestions?

Tonight's pic... I must be getting better with my camera. I only deleted one pic tonight before I got the one at the top of here. (The first one the flash washed everything out) I like the lighting at that coffee station, it's weird florescent tubes. I'm not suppose to have a camera or a cell phone cam in the plant. ...Uh huh ...That's why you've seen the bathrooms so much! lol

Ok, it's bedtime. I've got a busy day tomorrow, it's tire buying time. Since my favorite tire guy figured out the last time that I was trans, I don't think he'll be putting his arm around me and telling me to, "Come on in here little lady and let's see what kind of tires I've got on sale." About ten minutes after he said that, I saw his face go pale and he got real quiet. Serves him right. He needed a lesson on how to treat a lady!

Stephanie

Something to write about, ...

...although, I don't have anything worth writing about, but I have a need to, therapeutically speaking, so here goes. My need? I write, (usually dribble like this) you read, maybe send a comment, by that I'm assured there is someone out there like me. It's a belonging thing, something I'm part of, and not excluded because of who I am.
That sarcastic me of yesteryear, featuring that "who cares" attitude, has returned for some time now. It worries me that it feels so much like before transition, I thought I was passed that. It eased up, nearly disappeared, when the hormones kicked in years ago. I'd feel it when I'd have to cut back on dosage, but I haven't had to in over a year. I don't know why it's come back. I sure don't like it.
"Nate" gets to go to the Doggie Dude Ranch for a grooming Thursday, his first time. That should be fun! He's getting about half of the 4" of hair cut off for the coming summer. He's already been panting, well, (wait for it!) LIKE A DOG! lol ....Hey, I'm tryin' to cheer me up here!
Work today was fun. Someone "borrowed" the keys from us that opens all the office doors and didn't put them back. Fortunately, the directer of sales came in to gather some papers and let us use his key to open everything. I left this note for the "borrower" when he brings them back.
..."Leave your name to receive your Public Flogging, the punishment for not returning my keys!"
He may think that's funny, but wait 'til he sees my flogging uniform!
OK, see, I warned ya. Just dribble...

Stephanie

Still alive...

I'm having a hard time of things right now.
(Wrote, then deleted the rest...)
Steph...