Rambling

I've been talking to Teddy Rat tonight, asking him the same question over and over again. "What should I do now?" He doesn't have an answer. He's a good listener though. I tell him my problems and no matter how I drone on about them he sits and takes it all in. Telling all these problems to someone else would have them leaving me. Nobody wants to hear or sit though such a long list. They would bore even those that are paid to hear them. ...Maybe a good bartender could stand hearing my troubles. That's it! Since I have no therapist now (nobody has heard from her) I'll tell all to a my bartender. I'll get pissy drunk in the process too. Bonus! ...Well, that won't solve anything....(sigh) I understand how some people try to run away from their problems. My feet are itching. I have a wife though, and I won't drag her down with me. I wouldn't be afraid to leave everything and run if it was just me I had to care for. I could sleep in a tent or under a bridge, need be. I don't need much, although, a laptop would be high on the list of luxuries. I have an addiction! I also have a strong urge to be free of all responsibilities. I'm guess I'm just tired of trying. I want all these bills to stop. I want all these things that keep breaking down to stop. (electric problems again) I just want to be responsible for me for once in my life. I want to quit, quit everything, but I can't.

Stephanie

Just a pic

"If there's a smile upon my face, it's only there tryin' to fool the public.__Smokey Robinson

I wish I could have been Daddy's girl.

The fact that today would have been my fathers birthday didn't slip past me. It's been on my mind all day. Some of you know that I have father issues. He was there, but was absent, if you know what I mean. He doled out the punishment, sometimes on the side of my head. As the years go by, it seems less of a problem to me, the 'no praise, just punishment' way he was. He only lived 40+ years, he was young. I don't know if it's an excuse to forgive him or just me getting older and understanding better, but I have reconciled my problems with him. I feel we all make mistakes, and if he would have lived longer, I want to think that he would have become more understanding of me. He's been gone for 30 years now, it's time I let it go.

It's been a hard day.

I do miss him today.

Stephanie

Breakfast Pizza

I went to our little country store this morning to get some breakfast-to-go. I was glad that there wasn't a crowd there since I went without make up, no bra, nothing but my blue jean purse to distinguish me as female. I had a sleeping pill hangover going too. After the, "Good morning", "That's a damn lie", exchange we had, I get to the counter and tell Robert (owner) I felt like I was somewhere between hell and a hard place. He looks at me and says, "You look like shit", and then breaks out in nearly a tearful laughter. Now, most girls would be offended, but I've known Robert for about 10 years, and I knew he was playin' me. I did look like shit, and he knew I knew I looked like shit. There was no mean intention. We both laughed. As I left the store, a man held the door open for me and gave me a "Good morning" with a big smile, quenching my need to be seen as female.

This has been a 5 minute stop in my morning. Nothing special.

And "Good Morning" to you too!

Stephanie

Thoughts because of extra time on my hands.

I'm slowly weaning myself off of my hormones, not because I want to, but because of my financial problems. So far, there hasn't been any major explosions of anger out of me like the last time when I ran out. I cut back the spiro to one (100mg) every other day for a week until I ran out Friday. I'm down to 2mg of estrogen every day. I'll be going to an every other day dose in 10 days from now. I guess it seems strange to you that I would rather pay for a used computer than buy my hormones for two months, but there's logic behind my decision. The decision? Two months of hormones and no computer, or computer for much longer than two months? The computer won out because of the therapeutic properties it has to offer. And, finding even a small job will afford me a minimal dose of my hormones, whereas a computer still wouldn't be affordable. And too, my Invega I'm on is causing me to lactate so maybe there are properties to it that helps a girl like me.lol I'll see how this med regimen goes and then go from there.

This 'lady of leisure'/unemployed thing is getting old. I don't see how people can do it. I miss my friends that I had at work, even if they weren't really true friends, the interaction with people is what I crave. I used to hide from people, me feeling unworthy or less than acceptable to be around. GID and all, you know. I was slowly building my self worth up when I lost my job, which put it back a few steps again. I feel I may never be the confident type of person I long to be. It's a slow process. And in this world of throw away people, there's always something that will lurk around the corner to crush your spirit. Building confidence in oneself is hard to do when your constantly looking over your shoulder. I've been looking behind me all of my life. I want to look forward.

The new shows are on television now. Yeah! I watched Cortney Cox in Cougar town the other night. When I was young, I used to like older women, especially the well made-up women. It was more of a longing to be them, look like them thing than a sex thing. I guess I could be the cougar now, but young men just seem so silly, and for me to crush on a cougar now, well, she'd have to 80! ...(sigh) ...time marches on.

Stephanie

A night out and life learned

I took Patty Lou with me to the bar last night, sort of a late birthday night out thingy. It's hard getting her in and out of places with her wheelchair. I have a new respect for those who are confined to one. We watched a drag show, had some birthday cake they improvised for her, and got home about midnight :30. We had a good time, as the pic suggests. (like my mans shirt/lesbian look?)

Something I've come to understand during this time of my caretaker position is that I could actually take care of myself if I had to. I've never had to. But for a few brief times alone before marriage, I've always had Patty Lou to take care of me. She did all the bookkeeping/paying of bills, running the house type of things though out our 36 year marriage. We've always joked that if she died, I'd be right behind her 'cause I wouldn't be able to do any of the necessary things for daily living. The most I did was to wash a dish once in awhile or do a load of laundry. Bill paying? Paperwork scared me! I'm still intimidated by it. (one reason I was only a 'c' average student in school. the other, I never studied!) Now with her ankle broke, I've not only been taking care of me, but her too. And if I do say so, I'm doing a good job of it, I'm really proud of myself. I guess life really is a learning process. What you don't know today, just live long enough and you'll have to learn how to do it. Necessity is a demanding teacher.

Stephanie

To the Birthday Girl

Tomorrow, Sept. 25th, is your birthday, Patty Lou. You'll be ...younger than me. In my eyes, you'll always be that cute little blond girl of 12 years old that I met way back when. You still have that laugh all day attitude you had when I met you, and that little evil grin you can give when you want to be mischievous. Though faded somewhat, your blue eyes sparkle just as they always have. Your still a friend to everyone, naive to the trouble you could find. You told me not long ago that you was put on this earth to have fun, and fun your going to have, saying this with a broken ankle throbbing! I knew when we first met we were going to be together forever, and as hard as I made it for you to stay with me, you remain by my side. You love me, and I love you. Happy Birthday Patty Lou! xxxxxxxx

Stephanie

Ignorance isn't bliss

It will be three years on Christmas that I will have had a computer. (prior to that, Web TV) All of them used, this is the third one that I've bought. Seems I get a virus every year even with all kinds of protection. The other two computers were bought from a place that is out of business now, otherwise I would have went there again. But I understand why they are out of business now. The older man that ran the place was nice, friendly, and treated me no different than anyone else. I liked him. Every time I bought anything, he would say, "I'm sure you'll be pleased with it." And I was, but only because I didn't know any better. This computer that I bought yesterday ($185) is just so much more than what I had it makes being online really fun. The old ones were slow, really slow, 21.6 kbps slow, me being on dial up. Sometimes I would click on something and go do something else while it was loading! This computer runs at 32.6 kbps, not the fastest you can get, but I'm still just on dial up. I still haven't tried to run Youtube or download music yet, but I'm well satisfied with what I've got for what I've spent.

It makes me wonder what other things in my life that I have little knowledge about would shine amazement in my eyes if I were enlightened.

Now, about those viruses. Along with Mozilla, I'm going to get this computer both a regular and swine flu shot, feed it penicillin, and make it wear a mask continuously!

Stephanie

Different computer

So my computer crashed, or rather, I crashed it. It was giving me problems booting up sometimes, and sometimes it would shut down windows saying that it had detected an error. And under the category of "two errors don't make a right", I tried to fix it. Bad move. So someday I'll try and get it fixed, but for now I'm on a different, much better one that has me scratching my head for a bit of understanding. I'll learn how to use it. 'til then you may have to bare with me for awhile. I'm kinda like a reborn virgin here, I did it once, but it's all new to me now! I'll be good at it again! Practice, practice, practice!

Now, in the category of Too Much Info, I've got to talk to my therapist like real bad. Seems these new pills have me lactating! Cream in your coffee, anyone?

Stephanie

Drinks disguised as desserts should be banned!

I thought my Saturdays spent worshiping the porcelain gods were over. But nooooo! With the mood I've been in the last few days, I should have known better than to go out drinking. I only had 2 beers and 3 chocolate martinis, but the martini's were killer. So, I suffered today. I did find out that after not shooting pool for over 20 years, if I had to, I could still hustle a dollar on the tables. (didn't know that about me, did ya!) I won 6 straight games not losing any against the bars best. My teen years were spent in the pool hall next to the bowling alley. In both places I was real good at making a dollar. It should be easier now. I can put on a short skirt and a low cut top and distract them! lol



I apologise for not commenting on your posts. I've been in my gray world for awhile, and I don't like leaving comments when I am. I say things I really don't mean, or things I mean to say, I show no tact in expressing them. It's best I keep my thoughts to myself.

Like Arnold said, "I'll be back!"

Stephanie

Cancellations

Are you like me? Do you hate it when someone cancels an appointment, especially when they cancel at the last moment?

I had my appointment with Dr. H canceled today, about an hour before time for me to leave the house. I had my make up done, dressed, ready to go and then I got a call. I guess it could have been worse. No call and me drive for 40 minutes just to be told then. But still. I don't do that. If I have an appointment, or have to be somewhere, I'm always 10 minutes early. Always! In the three years I had my janitor job, I missed 2 days, one of which I showed up and my daughter sent me home 'cause I was too sick to work. The other, I called in with a terrible sinus infection. I just believe in being where I'm suppose to be when I'm suppose to be there. I don't want to disrupt anybodies plans or schedule. It's rude to do so.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining. After all, it is a free clinic, with volunteers doing the best they can. It's, ....well, I guess I just really wanted to see the dr., I need a therapy session, and now I don't know when I'll see her. The nurse said maybe next Wed. ...sigh Guess I'll just have one more week of frustration to vent about. Tonight? You'll have to do. Hmmm, at least the price is the same! Wait! They get $5 for paperwork. Y'all are better!

Stephanie

It's a dream, girl.

There is a torch song singer inside of me dying to be set free. A woman with strong feelings, feelings that can only be expressed in song. Deep within me I feel it, the soul of a songstress, wanting desperately to escape the confines that holds her voice back. It's there, been there for all my years. A gritty, soulful, painful sound. A scream, a tear, no, many tears that have built an ocean of pain. Pain that can only be turned lose with the accompaniment of music. Music to be heard and felt by many, by those that have the same pain as I do, the same ache, frustration, disillusion within them. She must be set free.

Ok, so where did that come from? I watched Dreamgirls last night!
...but the feelings are real, the woman is real. And she desperately needs to be heard. Sadly she still says, "Perhaps someday."

Stephanie

I'm just a big Dufus!

My never planning ahead has gotten me in more trouble than I could ever write about here. I've let opportunities past by me over and over again. I always put the blame on me being transgender and, in doing that, I can take the guilty feeling off of me. It's all my own fault that I am where I am in this world. Other transgender people have made something of themselves, I should have too.

I got a call from the job placement people this morning. There was a welding job available if I had been a certified welder. I'm not, due to my own stupidity. I could/should have been. I had the chance to go and take the test, free of charge even. But I didn't. Back toward the end of my 11 years of welding at my step-brother-in-laws welding shop, he needed all the certified welders he could get to go to Magic Springs Amusement Park to weld. But I opted to stay at the shop and build all the parts that went out there for others to weld together. I say opted, but really it was because of, (1) my thin eyebrows causing me to shy away from people who didn't know about me. (Yes, I know. When I say I couldn't let them grow, it sounds stupid!) (2) Me wanting to be sure I was off at 3pm so I could get drunk and even higher than I was all day. (3) Get drunk and play dress up on Monday, Tuesday nights. Wednesday and Thursday I primped getting ready for the weekend. In other words, my life revolved around me being transgender so much, that the things I should have put first, I gave a back seat to or sometimes no seat at all. I'm a big dufus! That's a dumb ass for those who don't know what a dufus is. Now if I went to get certified, I'd have to pay to take a class and pay for a test, with money I don't have now. So what do I do? I raise my hands in the air and scream, WHY ME!

I'm a DUFUS!
Patty Lou should have thrown a blanket over me and beat me with a broom handle long ago!


Stephanie

Ups and downs

When my therapist added Invega (nerve calming) to my med list, she told me one of the side effects in males was breast growth. "But you won't mind that," she said. (MIND IT! Bring it on!) Of course, I thought it was like other drugs that had that warning precaution on the label, there only for legal reasons, applying only to the .000000002% of males that got sensitive "bumps" who wanted to sue for a large settlement. I took the two week, once a day, "let's see if you have any side effects" dose, and I kinda thought there was something happening in the boob area, but I wasn't sure. I had lowered my hormone intake trying to save money, and I thought that the sensitivity I was feeling could have been attributed to that. But now with the increase in the Invega the doc prescribed, 4 days into it I know that the breasts are "perking up". WooHoo!! .........I think, I don't know, maybe? ....If I don't get a job because of them, that WooHoo could turn to a, "why the hell did I do this to me", damn!!

I hate this, this every step forward being met with doubt. Not doubt that I should be female, that I'm sure of. But doubt that transitioning at this stage of life with my very limited resources, wasn't something I should have undertaken. That maybe I should have let it lie where it was as just a dream. And all this goes though my head with me knowing that I wouldn't be here today if I wouldn't have started transitioning. I feel like I've become the poster girl for, "Damned if I do, Damned if I don't".

It's raining today. S'pose to rain tomorrow too, and the next day. Today it's raining in my head too, with a gloomy outlook.

Stephanie

A discouraging day

Patty Lou's appointment with the doctors UAMS was a bit discouraging. We thought the cast would come off today, but no. They said her diabetes is making the healing process take about double the time for the bone to bond. They put on another cast and gave her an appointment for the 7th of October. So, she's down a little today.
While I was there, I checked to see if they did have a transsexual research program that I could get into. Nope. I'm being to think my therapist is full of..... . So, I'm down a little today too.
I was aware of it being 09-09-09, and I watched the clock pass 09:09 this morning. Good thing I'm not superstitious.

Stephanie

Clown No. 13

There are days when I feel I'm just one of the clowns coming out of the clown car.

This morning I had to pick up the second half of my new prescription for Invega. They only gave me a two week supply to see how I would react to it. The drug costs $782 for a months supply,(I pay $5) so they didn't want to give me the whole months worth if I was going to have a bad reaction to it. How 60 pills that you don't even get high on can cost that much is beyond me! Anyway, I didn't sleep much over night. It was my own fault, I played here until 2am. I came to at 7, half asleep yet from the night time pills, fixed the make-up I'd slept in, zapped some previously made eggs, ham, and cheese biscuits, and climbed in the Jimmy to make the 25 mile trip to the clinic. As I'm walking in, I notice I have a glob of cheese on my pink T-shirt that when pulled off leaves an orange stain. Great, I'm already self conscious about my hands peeling from washing the car in pure , well, it's a degreaser from my old job. (Perks!) Today I found it strips paint too! So anyway, I look and feel a mess, and it seems I have to see EVERYONE in the clinic before I leave! Geez!
After a not so quick stop at Wal*Mart for spray paint, (ran into an old friend while there) I get to the house, get out of my town clothes, put on work clothes, and went to work stripping the old paint off of a two step kitchen high chair. Two hours of stripping, two hours of painting,(forest green) and it's finally done. I clean up, sit down here to read, and remember that I forgot to get Patty Lou's cigarettes when I was in town. Ahhh, THAT"S why she's not talkin' to me! (I've been after her to quit) So I change clothes to go to the little country store, glance in the mirror at my make-up, not bad, I'm off for the 6 mile trip to the store. After buying the cigarettes and getting in the car, I have to pull down the sun visor and I see it. The whole underside of my nose and top lip is forest green! Oh gawd, just shoot me now! I wipe it off, then I tell Patty Lou when I get home so she can laugh hysterically at me.
I guess I'm getting too comfortable in this full time thingy. I learn by mistakes. You can bet I'll look myself over a little bit better from now on. But I know it will happen again. It happens to GG's too!

Stephanie
P.S. I've noticed my writing has a much more upbeat theme to it lately. The Invega must be working. ...And I get to double the dose today!

We get smarter as we get older

Yah, right!
Some things I've recently learned.

1. Just because the rose bush is dead, that doesn't mean the thorns won't stick you.
2. Before bathing your dog in the bathtub, close the bathroom door.
3. When the label reads, "Wear gloves when using", wear gloves. Some cleaners will eat the skin off of your hands.
4. Skin pealing off of your hands should never be pulled.
5. Never fry bacon naked.(I already knew this from past experience. But I took a refresher course yesterday!)
6. After cutting a piece of metal, it is hot. (This I already knew from previous experience. Aren't refresher courses wonderful!)
7. Never say anything bad about your wife's child, even if it's your child too.
8. Always smell your milk before drinking.
9. If you go outside without your dentures in, someone is sure to drop by.
10. Never pick your nose after handling jalapeno peppers. (again, a refresher course)
11. .....and the list will keep on growing!

Stephanie

Groundhog Sunday

Have they added more hours to Sunday? Or do the clocks move slower on Sundays? I guess I'm just not going to be happy on Sundays, I used to be. Back when I worked M-F, (that's Monday through Friday. lol) I liked my Sundays, well, some of them. Some were spent with my head under the covers hiding from light and sound after too much drinking on Saturday night. There were a lot of those. But some Sundays, we would get in whatever old car we had, pack a lunch, a couple joints, and just drive. With no map, no destiny, just turn down this and that road, it was fun. We don't do that anymore. I guess we could, now that I'm not working on Sunday again. But then once we get home our aches and pains would begin to shout at us. It's just not worth the pain.
I liked working Sundays with my daughter the last 3 years. Oh, I complained about having to, when I had to. But now with no job, well, I'd rather be working. You know what they say. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. ("And the big yellow taxi pulled in the parkin' lot")
So today I made breakfast, watched 3 movies, the names of which I couldn't tell you, (boring!) sat here at the computer twice, (y'all need to write more!) zapped a lunch, and took the dog out twice. Oh, and I think I ate about 10 in-between-meal snacks! (12 pounds in 11 days!) And it's only 25 minutes after 6pm!!!!!!! I'll never survive this being out of work!

Stephanie

Busy, very busy!

I'm not one of those people that are multitask masters, I do things one at a time. When I get done with one, I go on to the next. I've always been that way, giving my full attention to each chore. In doing that, I feel I've done my best, which is necessary to appease the perfectionist in me. Once I get started, I don't stop. And getting started isn't a problem anymore, now that I've stopped smoking the herb!! lol! I get up, get started, and keep going non stop until I sit down here usually before bed. (I'm early today, going out tonight!) That's how I've always been on any job I've worked at. No breaks, keep going 'til finished.
So while I was still employed, things around the house backed up considerably. (One thing at a time.) Two sheds desperately needed sorting, both our bedrooms had things stored in them because the sheds were a mess, and a large, 5 sided breakfast nook had more than the bedrooms. So far, I've cleared everywhere but one shed, and it's exclusively for storage. (The other doubles as a workshop.) Along with that mess cleaned, I've washed (hand scrubbed!) a neglected car, mowed an overgrown lawn, built a handrail on the steps leading into the house for Patty Lou, and cleared the weeds and old veggies out of the garden. All of this was done this week along with 7 trips to town for appointments, and the never ending housework/caregiver/dog walker job I acquired when Patty Lou broke her ankle. Phew!, I'm tired! I need to get a job so I can get some rest!
Seeing the results of my hard work is rewarding, giving me a sense of accomplishment. I need that now. It fights off depressing thoughts.

Stephanie

Your brain and gender

There's a story being reported by MSNBC that a woman in Germany had a seizure, causing her to think that she was a man. It was also reported that she was perceiving other women as changing into men. The story said the scientists were saying, "Although this is just one incident, we are now thinking this is proof that your brain is connected to your gender perception."

Ahhhhh, DUH! Do they not listen when the multitudes of M-F transsexuals tell them they have a female brain and see themselves as being in the wrong body?

Maybe my new job classification should be scientist. I'm obviously intelligent enough!

Stephanie

Easy Rider

Patty Lou had her regular check-up at the clinic this afternoon. Pushing her around in her wheelchair was difficult because of narrow halls and doorways. I was running into everything, although, not once did I bang her broken ankle. Even so, she was grumbling telling the staff that I was a terrible driver and nurse, all in jest. So when we got to Wal*Mart, I took her picture in one of their zoom, zoom machines. Since Wal*Mart is her favorite place to shop (shopping in one in all 50 states would thrill her to no end!) if you see this coming at you, run, run away. Run as fast as you can! lol

"Danger! DANGER!!, Will Robinson!" ...(guess I dated myself there!)

Stephanie