Cowboy up!

We are not cowboy type of people, so I don't know what the attraction is that she finds in them, but Patty Lou just loves watching cowboys riding bulls. She doesn't like any other rodeo competition, just bull riding. It couldn't be that the cowboys are big macho kind of guys, most bull riders are small. (low center of gravity) And she's not rooting for the bulls, which she can tell you the names of the best bulls as well as the cowboys too. I don't have a clue as to what she sees in them. I just don't understand that girl sometimes. I've found that there are times it's best not to try. I mean, it isn't like it's NASCAR!

And people think I'm strange!

Stephanie

Clicking the delete button

Well, I tried writing tonight.

I started writing a post about hating my mailbox because all I get are bills and junk mail.

Then I wrote one telling about how when I was a kid I'd hide in a dark, quiet place and withdraw into myself.

Finally I tried asking the question, "When you leave manhood, what will you take with you from your male days when you change to female?"

Everything was deleted because I couldn't hold a thought long enough to get any real content to post.

You would not believe how much it pisses me off that my mind is not functioning right! Arrrrgggghhhh!!!

Stephanie

faux pas

I took the dog to the groomers today. He has hair in his ears that has to be removed periodically otherwise it tickles him and he scratches until he has his ears raw. This was the first time I used this groomer so I had to give the girl all of the pertinent information, name, what kind of dog he is, my name. When she asked me my name, without thinking I said, "Steven Flettshock." As soon as it came out I wanted to snatch it out of mid air and say "Stephanie", but the dirty deed was already done. Jees ...How can I expect anyone to get it right if I can't even get it right? I need a good butt kickin'!

"Stephanie"!!!

The biggest lap dog you ever saw!

This critter, Nate, is suppose to be Patty Lou's dog. I got him for her for company when I was working evenings, but somehow he's become my dog. Oh, he still jumps up in her lap both mornings and evenings so she can brush his hair out, but other than that he's taken up with me, under my feet all the time or in my lap. Usually he's a great friend to have, but......

This picture was taken Wednesday when he wanted to be outside most of the sunny day. Today it rained almost all day and he didn't want to go out, not even when he had to pee so bad he was hurting. So about a half-a-dozen times he'd come to me whining that he wanted out and we'd go out in the rain get soaking wet only to come back in after not peeing. Needless to say, this stressed girl was ready to just leave him out in the rain until he did his duty, Patty Lou telling me I couldn't do that. Well, it finally stopped raining around 3pm, so he took his morning pee then. Ahhhh!

With the troubles I've had lately, he's a great friend to have around. A hug is always appreciated by him and it helps to relieve my stress. I think I need to put him on a diet though. A 35 pound lap dog jumping on you is painful!

Stephanie

Stress relieved, stress received

The visit to the lawyer this morning eased some tension. As long as we make the payments on time we won't get into any more trouble. We found out Patty Lou's employer hadn't been making the payments on time like she was suppose to, so now the bankruptcy trustee will turn to us to see that they are. That's a good thing 'cause we always make our payments on time. The first payment doesn't have to be paid until the 27th of Dec. so we have a little time to get Patty Lou or me back to work. Getting all of this told to us by our lawyer gave us some comfort. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight!

But then again...

I saw my therapist this evening. I realize now that this woman has told me a pack of lies. She hasn't a clue how to treat a transsexuals needs when it comes to medication. She insists on me staying off my HRT and letting my anti-depression drug Invega (which she up'd the dose) do it's thing. I kept telling her how the crazy, swirling thoughts in my head calmed down when I was on my hormones, but she wouldn't listen. I'm to see her in two weeks to let her know how I'm doing on the higher dose. I think I'll have to explain to her how the female brain I have needs estrogen with no testosterone. If she'd just wrap her head around me having a female brain it would get through to her. It's the same as if you put a female that has had a hysterectomy on testosterone. She'd become an angry, frustrated woman who couldn't function. That's what I am right now. Spiro with the estrogen stops all of that. But then, you girls on HRT know that, learned in transsexual 101. When I got home from my appointment tonight, I told Patty Lou, or rather, in my ranting at Patty Lou, I said I should become a therapist treating transsexuals. If I had the patience to get through schooling I would. There is an obvious need for someone who knows what a transsexual is.

Stephanie

A bigger pile of do-do

I've been trying to hold off writing until I had something good to write about, unfortunately, this won't be a happy post.
We got a letter from the bankruptcy court saying we were in default. We didn't know it but you can't just tell them you can't pay for awhile and then pick it back up. Silly us. So now we have a meeting with our attorney Wednesday so he can tell us what's going to happen. From what I can understand, we will be put on a strict probation period of 6 months making our own attempt to pay the $151 a month payment. It was being taken out of Patty Lou's check automatically, but without her working it stopped. We didn't know the place where they're holding her job for her was suppose to pay it and then get it from us. It's all screwed up. So if we default on the probation, the creditors (mostly the IRS) will sue us, take a lean on our property, and ...well, we lose the place. I still haven't found work yet so making payments and living too is getting all the more difficult. Stopping living has entered my mind on many occasions lately. I just can't keep being this sad about everything that's jumping on me much longer. It hurts. I hurt. The question was asked, "What does it mean to be a woman." All the transgirls that answered failed to realize they brought their job and their knowledge that was acquired when they were men. Strip that away and try and start over from scratch and life as a woman isn't near as much fun. I can't fall back on my old life, and my new life is tearing me apart. I'm truly stuck in the middle.

Stephanie

Taking a break

Seems everyone is making plans for their soon to be GRS and I'm having trouble just existing. I just can't read any more for awhile. Sorry

Steph....

Sorrowful apology

I feel the need to apologize for my lack of commenting on your writings. I do read them, but after clicking to comment, I sit here with my train of thought jumping around so much that nothing makes sense once I've written it. So I delete what I have written, get mad at myself for not being able to thing straight, and go on to someone elses post where the same thing happens again. To make half sense of what I'm reading , I must read it at least three times to get your meaning, and even then I may not. It's the lack of Spiro in my system blocking that poisonous T that's causing this. I've had this happen before on the few occasions that I've run out of meds. It's as though my thoughts overlap each other, each one never being completed. When I try to back up and complete the thought, more jump in and ...well, it just turns into a jumbled up mess. To give you an idea of the problem this is, it's going to take me at least an hour to write this explanation, writing and rewriting until it makes sense. And thank goodness for spell check, it affects that too! This is how I lived all those years pre-transition. That's why the only thing I ever wrote during those years was my name, and if you were to find my old y360 blog, which I've lost, you could see the difference between the early ones and the later ones, the early ones being at a third grade level of reading, and this after 7 months on hormones.
Telling you this causes me much embarrassment and shame. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I just want you to understand that I'm not a friend that abandons you, I read and feel your happiness and sadness. I just don't want to convey something stupid that I don't mean in a comment.
I've ordered up my meds again and will be back on them shortly. I couldn't wait and see if the clinic was going to help me, if they do, good. But getting back to being able to think straight was a necessity, so I paid for them. I'll be back to what passes as normal soon! lol
Thanks for listening.

Stephanie

Applying the lyrics

Although Ready for Love by Bad Company has nothing to do with being transgender, the main song lyrics are quite apropos.

Walkin' down this rocky road
wondering where my life is leading
Rollin' on to the bitter end
Finding out along the way
what it takes to keep love (on) living
You should know how it feels my friend

.....

Now I'm on my feet again
Better things are bound to happen
All my dues surely must be paid
Many miles and many tears
Times were hard but now they're changing
You should know that I'm not afraid

Stephanie

Transitioning update

First, today was a much easier day around the old homestead. Patty Lou was in a better frame of mind, so was I, even the dog seemed better. If you are arguing with your loved one, a word of advise. Quiet and calm talking works magic. Enough said.

You already know how the world has been treating me lately, it hasn't been very friendly. You would think that I would be discouraged with the transition part of my life. After all, I'm off hormones, stuck in a middle ground, no money to pay for things to go forward, no job either. Let's see, is there anything else?!!! ...Anyhow, I'm really in a good place with where I'm at. I mean, here I am with all of this trouble hounding me and I'm still being myself. I thought that when all this hit me that I'd retreat back to the comfort of boydom. Well, come to find out, it is much more comfortable going through this as I am now as it would have been if I'd retreated. ...Am I even making any sense here? I hope you get what I'm trying to say. One more time. ...These same troubles would have been much more troubling for 'Steven' as they are for 'Stephanie'. ...By gawd I think she's got it!! lol

Troubles are what made Steven strong. Troubles are what is going to make Stephanie strong. I'm getting stronger every day.

Now, just as long as a meteor doesn't smash me flat....

Stephanie

Ding! And the light bulb comes on.

I'm a little slow sometimes when it comes to figuring out what's going on when Patty Lou seems all out of sorts, but I catch on eventually. She's been a beast to live with today, mad one minute, crying the next. It finally dawned on me that she hasn't smoked a cigarette today. Duh! She's going through withdrawal. Our oldest daughter and a friend of Pats bought her a bunch of cigarettes for her birthday. She's smoked them up. She had said just before her birthday that she wasn't going to buy anymore. I guess she's trying hard to hold herself to that promise. If today was any indication on how that will work out, I doubt she'll be able to keep it. I do wish she would have told me this and not let me sit and wonder what had turned her into a crazy bitch from hell! Nate, our dog, would have liked to have known too. Even he's been catchin' hell from her! I hadn't thought of this before she went to bed, but I did ask her to please wake up in a better mood. Tomorrow I'll let her know what I see is the problem. Of course, I may catch hell for that too! I see this as a situation that won't get better for some time to come. I doubt it will be soon.

Stephanie

Doctors, doctors, and arguments

Yesterday I had my usual check up at the clinic. I let them know that I was off my hormones and the Spiro. I've been trying to talk them into prescribing them to me there, but it's been to no avail. I have an appointment with my therapist the 21st,(if she shows!) and it was said she may prescribe them then. I hope so. My anger and anxiety has reached the level of pre-transition. Not good.

Patty Lou had her cast removed and her ankle x-rayed today. But they still don't like how it's healing, so they put another cast on and gave her an appointment for the 4th of Nov. Another month! Her diabetes and her SMOKING! are the reasons she isn't healing very fast. We got into a screaming match a bit ago that left both of us crying. I was accused of helping too much! She's stressed, I'm stressed, we need space between us. I'll be at this end of the house the rest of the evening.

And to top things off, today I got laughed at by two young guys while I was waiting in line at Wal*Mart. This usually doesn't bother me, but the way things are right now ...well, it hurt today.

Oh, and the dog pooped on the floor over night! That's only the third time since we got him New Years Day. Why now? ...I guess he's stressed too!

Stephanie

The Transsexual Jeckyll and Hyde Experiment

Here's the experiment. You start with a mess of a human, someone that is on the verge of total destruction of them self. Then through the science of hormonal therapy you create someone that is not only functional but is thriving in their new found happiness. Then, when their confidence is soaring, you take away all the things that they cling to for life and you sit back and see how long it takes for them to fall apart. Dr. Jekyll would be proud of the Ms. Hyde you've created!

Note: The rate and amount of destruction in test subject is in direct correlation with the amount of denial of hormones. Your mileage may vary!

Stephanie

Rainy Sunday

Ahhh, there's nothing like the smell of wet dog when you bring him in from his morning pee. And nothing like the smell of stale cigarette smoke that isn't exhausted because the house is closed up.

This mornings breakfast dishes are still waiting for me. I probably gained another 2 pounds from the glut of bacon I consumed.

Although I wouldn't be doing anything outside anyway, just knowing that it's raining and I can't go out brings me down.

Maybe it's not being on my hormones that's bringing me down. Or maybe it's no job to go to. Or probably a combination of both. Life is sucking lately.

Can you tell I'm not a happy camper? (no need to answer that)

Nothing seems to be going right.

Gee, I hate writing these stupid sad posts. I have no happy ones to write.

...(sigh)

Stephanie
ps: (2hrs. later) It turns out, it's a perfect day to put the headphones on and sing at the top of my lungs to Pink Floyd, much to the dismay of Patty Lou! lol

Back to reality

And then tonight's trip to the bar brought me right back down to reality. I'm different than the drag queens. I'm different than the gay men. I'm different than the lesbians. I'm so different that I sit by myself in my own little world.

It's best if you keep your head out of the clouds and your feet on firm ground.

Stephanie

Stroking my ...ego

I went to the bar last night, as usual. It was a good thing I did 'cause I may have a job cleaning it and two other bars. More on this later.

The bar owner has a titty bar down the street from Jesters, and last night he brought the girls up to strip for the lesbians. Watching six 20+ year old girls simulate sex on stage is a big hit with them. While they were working the crowd pre-show, one pretty little lesbian dancer came over to me and danced, twisted, rubbed, handled, nibbled, pawed .........mmmmmm. I thought she was just working me for a dollar, but she asked me for a date after the show! I couldn't believe it. She thought I was one of the lesbians looking for a date. Me! Talk about an ego boost. Although it took me awhile to turn her down, I did. (something kept telling me I was married) I never did tell her I was trans, no need to unless your headed for bed. She stopped by my table and tried to get me to come with her again before she left, but no, I was a good girl. I'll probably never get an offer like that from another 21 yr old. ...sigh ...Damn conscience!

Stephanie