Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Christmas is not my favorite time of year. During those early years of my life when Christmas only meant a time to receive toys, I was always disappointed. We were among the poorest of families and there was never a time that there was a great bulk of toys under the tree for us kids. And then what I did get was something a boy would get, a truck, a tractor. The Christmas that stays in my mind the most is the one where I got almost nothing. The one when I was about seven or eight when I got a rubber ball from my parents and a coloring book and fruit from the church. That one seems to have sucked all of the good feelings out of every Christmas after. At least I don't remember anything about the ones that followed. I wish I knew why I can only remember the worst one.

And now Christmas is about who can sell you the most stuff... Sale, sale, sale!
It all just sucks!

So forgive me if I say I'd rather Christmas not even come. I guess I'm the epitome of Scrooge himself.....Bah-Humbug




Steph

Absurd

Airport security.

I heard a report yesterday that said
for every 1 million people that either
go through a scanner or go through
the pat down process at the major airports
there are only 700 complaints. 700!!!

The media has blown this all out of proportion.
As for the 700, ...let them take the bus!

Meanwhile...Have a happy Thanksgiving!



Steph

Just So You Know

So today I finally got up on the roof and fixed the leak that had appeared between the add on part of my house and the main part. It's only been leaking for about 10 months, but since I'm on all kinds of drugs to control my depression, I haven't wanted to get up there for fear of falling off. I've gotten used to them so I went up there and fixed it. No problems.
But.....Isn't there always a but!
My carports were in need of being swept off so I crossed over the peek of the house with the broom in my hand. I was struggling to maintain my balance by the time I got to the bottom of the house part and needed to put my left foot down to keep upright. The problem is when I did this I put it right through the fiberglass panels of my skylight and went crashing down through to the ground below, about a 12' drop. OUCH!...I landed on an ice chest with my left shoulder, which is skinned raw and hurts like hell. After that I bounced off the chest and landed on the back of my head. (good thing it's hard!) Patty Lou came around from the side of the house, saw me laying there and thought I was dead! Not quite, but OUCH again! It doesn't help either that I've gained almost 40 pounds since I've been on these drugs.
So, just so you know, transsexuals may be a bit different from your "normal" run of the mill people, but we can't fly and we still bounce the same as everyone else!
Just so you know!

Stephanie

Hirayama Disease

Over the past 15 or so years, my hands have become weaker and weaker. The sensitivity in my fingers has deteriorated until simple things like opening and closing resealable bags, holding on to a pencil, toilet paper, has become harder and harder to accomplish. The use of hand tools and picking up and holding on to heavy things is getting to nearly impossible to do. Each time I would bring this up to my many doctors that I have seen, they would say that it was arthritis and prescribe an over the counter drug of some kind.
I now have the best doctor that anyone could ever have. Not only does she listen to what you are telling her, she is not afraid to order tests to find the cause of your problems. She is the one that brought me out of my severe depression when two other doctors couldn't. She has also prescribed my hormones when no one else would, understanding my need for them. She's been great!
About my hands , she had me first go to the hospital here in Hot Springs to get an EMG (electromyography/nerve conduction study) where they put electrodes on your fingers and then zap your nerves in your arms with electricity to see how much damage has been done. Then after the zapping, they stick a needle in your muscles and record the electrical impulses in them. (You really, REALLY! don't want to have one of these done!) It takes about two hours to get to ALL the places they do. OUCH!
When the results came back, like she thought, my problems would gradually get worse over the years. Not being content to just give up, she sent me to the University of Arkansas Medical Center to have a more intense test done along with an MRI to see if anything could be done to help me. I was zapped from head to toe, stuck from head to toe again, and then taken to get the MRI. That didn't work out so good, seems I'm very much claustrophobic! In fifteen seconds I was screaming to get me out of that blasted machine! So now I've been prescribed a super strong Valium to take when I get my next appointment. It better knock me out or I'll come apart again!
So, they've diagnosed me with having Hirayama's disease. Supposedly they can tell for sure after they do the MRI on my neck. It will be nice to finally know for sure what's wrong.
Anyway, that's what's been happening to me the past month. I have yet to put on my make-up or clothes to go back to being Stephanie. Maybe soon. Maybe not.....

Hugs,
Steph..........

Is it over?

During my 30+ years of being a weekend girl I could always see the potential of what I could be if I only did a little "fixing" of my looks. Nothing major, just a few tweaks. When I went full time living female for 3 years I felt that I still had time to look like what I could only say as more feminine. I still saw the potential there. Now that I've gone back to living as a male for the last 9 months all I've seen is this ugly, old face staring at me in the mirror. I can not see any potential of anything even remotely feminine looking back at me. I don't know why, I used to see it even when I didn't have my make-up on. But it's gone. I desperately want to get back to being myself, Stephanie, because I know that I will never be happy again unless I return to presenting as female. It is not like I'll ever be able to be complete, but that's alright, I just need people to see me as female. It confirms what is in my head. My brain is female.
Now you would think that someone who always lived by the rule of "just do it" would be able to sit down at the mirror, put on their make-up, change clothes into something more feminine, and see how they feel about themselves. It's not that easy. I have a fear of the what if. What if I do that and then I see looking back at me the face of a man wearing make-up? The "man in a dress" thing. Seeing that will mean the end of "Stephanie". I don't think I could survive that, so maybe it is better if I don't even try. But still my GID remains. I feel like I've turned down a one way street that has a sign saying "dead end". What to do, What to do?

Stephanie

An attempt to write

Here it is 12:30am and even after taking my sleep meds 2 hours ago I'm still awake. I'm back to sleeping only 3 or 4 hours a night again. But if they up my meds I'll have a pill hangover in the mornings that I don't like, so, what's a girl to do.

Yesterday (Sat) was Patty Lou's birthday. Her friends from work took her out to eat lunch and then me and her went to her favorite place for dinner. We went there a lot when I was "full time" and the wait staff only knew me as Stephanie. I kept praying that nobody that knew me would see me in my drab self but of course that didn't work out. It went fine 'til we were ready to leave and then a waitress came up behind me and said "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile." I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. This back to drab presentation is so hard to do. And really the only thing that is keeping me from being full time again is my hair. During my severe depression last winter my hair became even thinner than it was. Now I absolutely have to wear a wig. I hate that. And yes I know there are many women that have to wear wigs, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them. It is just getting my mind to accept that realization that's holding me back. Both my dr. and Patty Lou are encouraging me to do so, so I'm going to try and get back to "normal" soon. I'd better. This de-transitioning thing is not going to work for me. I see that. After 3yrs. of being full time you can't go back. Your a changed person. The cork is off the bottle.

Stephanie

Mercy, Mercy, Me

In my 5 years of browsing transsexual web sites, I can't remember ever seeing a site that was about a m/f transsexual that had lived as her real self for a period of time and then had to return to her old life. Christine Daniels/Mike Penner is the only one that comes to mind and her/his life story does not represent mine in any way. I feel I'm alone again in this world and would like to find someone to talk with. After 3 years of being my true self I found that in going back my GID is ten times worse than it ever was.

Thanks,
Stephanie

The different faces of hell.

December 4th, '09 was my last post I wrote. I stopped writing because I didn't want the depression that I was feeling to turn this blog into a boo who, woe is me type of think. At the time my feeling down was just that. Feeling a little down, sad all the time. I found out I knew nothing about depression. As the days turned into weeks, weeks turning into months, my depression became so severe that it took over my life. I sat most of the time with eyes closed, quiet trying to block out any kind of stimulation that was going on around me. My nervous system was at its peek. Other than seeing my doctor, I was housebound going nowhere. In the next 6 months I went through 3 different doctors and 3 assortments of medications. Nothing was helping me. More than once during this time I pleaded to my wife to let me go and end my life so I could end the torment I was going through. Of course she would see none of that. Finally I was passed off to a doctor that knew what she was doing and put me on meds that helped me to regain some sanity. I'm still not working, but I am able to take care of the house , go shopping, doing everyday things. But this sanity came with a big price. When I started on the first round of medications, 'Stephanie' got lost somewhere. The meds did it, the depression did it, I don't know which, but that feeling of being female is not as strong as it was. I still cringe when I see myself in the mirror. When I see other females I still long to be one. It's just a different type of feeling. I don't like it, but I don't know how to get back to where I was. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to stop my meds and that I'll be back the way I was. I understand now how having to go back to being male causes some to take their life. It is much harder going back than it ever was going forward.

I won't be posting much, my days are all the same. I have started reading your blogs again. Sometimes that is hard to do. Thanks for listening to me.

Hugs...