Paging Doctor Atta

Since Dr. Atta is the only doctor I could find locally that had an opening for my medicaid, I went to see him today so I could get my prescriptions re-new'd. Actually, I didn't see him. I saw the nurse practitioner Cindy. Everyone gets to see her the first visit so she can get all the paperwork taken care of, medical transcripts forwarded to her from my last clinic, and as much medical information I could give her about me. I made it easy on my "coming out" to her by not wearing a baggy shirt. The girls were right out there! So when she saw I was on hormones and she asked why, telling her I was transgender sort of had an attached addendum that came with it. Boobs! She never missed a beat though. She asked the right questions. Am I going to have surgery, (I would if I could) was I on hormones just for the feminizing effect? (yes) When she went to put my status into the computer, (all electronic records) strangely there wasn't a transgender or transsexual category in the system. She asked me what else it might be under so I told her it was a Gender Identity Disorder. Yep, there it is. It's strange how I have been educating medical professionals about GID throughout the years. I asked if I could up my hormones since I'm on a low dose (2mgs Estrodiol, 50 spiro) and they're going to get back to me after they do some research. I was given a referral to a therapist so as soon as I can get an appointment I'll have my head shrunk. WooPee!

So, it was a prosperous day.

Stephanie

Searching in the Lost and Found

Well, as the picture shows, I tried to "find" myself today. I didn't, it all felt so awkward. Every step of my make-up process felt like I was putting make-up on a face that it just didn't belong on. I can't understand why it felt like that. It used to feel soo right. I haven't tried being 'Stephanie' since the start of '10. I knew that the make-up wouldn't go on easy like it did when I wore it everyday. There were times when I was just a weekend girl that I would go for a few weeks without wearing it. It would take me extra time to get it right, or right in my eyes anyway. Today it never got to that point. I had hope that I wouldn't feel like a 'man in a dress' when I was done, but there it was, that feeling. I hate it. I never felt like that for all the years of being a weekend girl and then 3yrs of being full time. It's just since I fell into the depression and was put on lots of meds. I HAVE to get off of them! Somehow! I have to be the person I was. I wasn't a man, I wasn't a woman either, but I was closer to being a woman with feelings of being a woman than I am now. I do not like where I'm at.

I have an appointment with my new GP doctor Wednesday. This will start me on my medicaid card. since I have it I can afford to see a therapist. It's time.

Stephanie

Gibberish

I really should write something here. After all, what is a blog without written words? The words in my head just won't blend in harmony. They're just a jumbled mess of quick thoughts. It's probably the meds.

My GID is keeping my brain occupied all the time. Since I can't work anymore, I have too much time to think about it. I need a hobby.

I want to see if it would help if I did my make-up, put on a bra and wig, and ......that's just it. Sit here? I don't see the point of it. Plus, I remember how I felt when I took it all off before '06 when I was a weekend girl. One of the reasons I went full time was to avoid that dual life. Now, me having to wear the wig will necessitate that. Girl on, boy off. If I could just work that out in my head I'd feel much better. Well, maybe. Now if I could get up the gumption to do it.

OK, so I've written something. Gibberish....

Stephanie

Public Service Announcement

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Snowing, Again!

Well, wouldn't you know it? Friday is the only day I leave the house and I get up to find snow piling up. We're suppose to get about 3 inches, not a whole lot, but enough to stop me from making a 25 mile trip to town. Today was my doctors appointment. That's been canceled and re-scheduled for the 23rd. Maybe it will be a nice day then. We've had more than our fair share of snow this year.

Steph