Who's that girl?

I found this going through some old paperwork.

Stephanie, 22yrs old.

(poor quality, pic of a pic, sorry)

Waiting impatiently!

I've thought for sometime now that Nate has an internal clock that tells him when his beloved Patty Lou is due to arrive home from work. Around 2pm he gets all antsy, goes and sits on the stool for awhile, runs to the door, then goes back to the stool to look out the window some more. Let her be late and this will last for hours. Patty Lou gets home about 2:10, (unless stops have to be made) and when he sees her pull into the driveway he goes running to the door in a fit of ecstatic ecstasy. (Her getting in the door is a trick in itself.) Today I caught on as to what triggers his alarm to ring telling him it's almost time for her arrival.

He was playing by himself, not a care in the world, when the introduction song for the afternoon soap opera General Hospital started playing. He looked at the TV, he looked at me, looked back at the TV, then at the window, then back at me, jumped up all excited and started bouncing around like he'd gotten a new lease on life. Seems the song is his alarm! This is one smart dog! Now all I have to do is get smart enough to train him to do something, .....other than eating snacks!

Stephanie

One more into the pot.

41yrs ago, (seems like yesterday sometimes) I thought I was the only boy in this world who felt like I should have been a girl. I was 14 and alone with my thoughts. Then I read about 2 men who had become women and I was three. There were at least three people in this world who had feelings like I did. You can just imagine my joy at knowing this, I wasn't alone anymore.Through my aging years, shall we say, I learned that there are many more who are like me, but not until the Internet did I realize that there are so many. (we could start our own country! Hmmm lol) With me living in a smaller town, that feeling of being alone still lingers. I've only met one other girl transitioning that lives here, and we are so opposite from one another that after 3 meetings we drifted apart. Two others that I've heard about don't what to be contacted, so I'm still alone, in a way. That's why YOU! ..get so much of me.
...Betcha wish I'd find someone else to bother sometimes! lol
Ah, well your wishes may have come true! One of my bar friends, C. J. (he works at a convenience store), told me he had a girl come in the store the other day that was going through transition. Telling her about me, she seemed interested in contacting me, but had to get her phone turned on first. That's maybe an excuse, maybe not, there's lots of maybes involved. But just knowing there is someone else close by that I may have a connection with is somewhat satisfying in itself. Who knows, she may need me as much as I need her, so I've decided to make it as easy as I can for her to contact me. With all my info on a card, I'm giving it to C.J. today to pass along. I'm really not expecting to be contacted, I understand about being afraid to come out. Fear paralyzes us sometimes. Maybe she needs a girlfriend to sit with her, (and SCREAM!) on this roller coaster ride of transition. I know I sure do sometimes...

Stephanie

Another bathroom story.

We read all the time about how bathrooms can be a nightmare for trans girls. Employers don't what them in the ladies room, making them feel like second class women by demanding that they either use the men's room, a unisex bathroom, or a single stall one. Here's another bathroom story that happens to me at least twice a week.
Since I have 7 multi stall ladies rooms to clean, it is inevitable that someone will come in to use it while I'm in there cleaning. It happened again tonight, only this time it caught me while I was having a happy moment about myself.
Thursday, I'm almost always in a good mood since it's my last day of the work week. Tonight was no exception. I was listening to Cher singing ancient disco through my headphones, grinning at myself in the mirror, still amazed that I'm able to be myself and have a job. In walks a woman who I know, but we don't talk other than to say Hi. I take a little time to clean up the spray on the counter top, it being painfully obvious that she is going to stand there watching me, and certainly wasn't going to go into a stall while I was in there. I wanted to scream, 'I'm a girl, go ahead and pee!" But no, I hurried up and left, feeling the knife in my back penetrate my heart. Sometimes it doesn't matter that I have to leave like that, but tonight it caught me with my heart open. I went from a joyous beaming to misery in about 3 seconds. And the woman didn't even realize she'd done it to me.
Yep, life in transition is a hormone induced, emotional roller coaster ride. You better buckle your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Stephanie

Finally, GOOD NEWS!

My Florida daughter, Cindy, is coming for a visit. YIPPEE! She's bringing my granddaughter, Stormy, with, the son-in-law staying at home to work. He wouldn't have come even if he didn't have to work, but, so be it. They're coming on the 18th of June, (mine & Patty Lou's anniversary) and going to stay 3 days, staying here with us instead of renting a motel room. I imagine her sister, Shelly, will be trying to get her to stay in her big new house, but it's nearly an hour away in a very small town and Cindy can't understand why she's moving there. (I haven't figured out that one either.) Her mother told her that I wasn't going to change my look just to suit her and she said that was OK, she didn't have a problem with it. I guess it took a couple of years for her to realize that I was serious about this transition, that I wasn't going to live two lives anymore. I hope in the three days she's here, she sees how me and her mother are happier together. Patty Lou has that week off so they're planning places to go, things to do. I have two of those days off, so I'll be right there with them. Another YIPPEE!
I know, it's nearly two months away, calm down, plans can change.
But, ... yippee!

Stephanie

The Reoccurring Dream...

I'm walking down this wide, wooden stairway, the sun beaming through a window over my left shoulder. It illuminates the landing where I stand, the rich wood tones from the stairway and the bright orange of the sun complimenting each other. I recognize this stairway, it is a mirror image of the one at my old grade school. Three landings, I'm on the second. I'm wearing a long summery flowered print skirt, a red blouse, and sandals, my hair a brown wig I owned back in the 80's. I'm in my early twenties, carrying school books in my right arm, children running everywhere. I'm smiling, descending the stairs, staring straight at me, but it isn't me, there is no substance to this watcher. Just a dark entity, being watched from behind. ......I wake-up....

Stephanie

To whom it may concern...

Dear Reader,

I have been cheated, but just important, or maybe more so, you have been cheated too. When I was born transgender, it set into motion a pattern of failure for me. It isn't that I'm not intelligent enough to have been a success, on the contrary, I let myself become engrossed with the constant thoughts of wanting to be female distract me from everything that would have helped me be a success. I never studied in school, and still was a 'B' student, but I quit before I graduated because I couldn't take anymore ridicule from my classmates. (In a crazed fit, I'd plucked my eyebrows into the thin lines you see today and wore a little make-up. Showing up at school was nearly the death of me.) I joined the Army with the intention of learning a trade and not being in the family business of masonry work, which I hated. I quit the Army before my 2yr enlistment was up, because, on a 30 day leave, I let my trans issues sneak into my life and I had to tell, (too much plucking again) and they were glad to see me go. My work history was sporadic, to say the least, again because of having to try and satisfy those trans issues. This is why at age 55, I don't have the resources to transition completely. My trans issues kept getting in the way.

So why tell you this. In 1969 I was taken to see a psychiatrist. Granted, back then they didn't know much about transgender issues, but too, we were poor, and when they wanted more money than we could afford, I couldn't go anymore. (after the Dr. felt me up, I didn't want to go anyway.) This is 2009, they know a lot more about being trans than before, but still, if you are poor there are no resources for help. (our community counseling center charges $60 for 40mins.) I wonder how many grew up like me, and how many more will grow up like me, an intelligent individual that never reaches their full potential because, being poor, they can not get the help they need to control the gnawing in they're head telling them they are in the wrong body. Here in the USA, we need services provided by other governments that deal with this issue. Who knows what contribution a well adjusted, intelligent trans person could be making to the betterment of society today.

Stephanie