Mercy, Mercy, Me

In my 5 years of browsing transsexual web sites, I can't remember ever seeing a site that was about a m/f transsexual that had lived as her real self for a period of time and then had to return to her old life. Christine Daniels/Mike Penner is the only one that comes to mind and her/his life story does not represent mine in any way. I feel I'm alone again in this world and would like to find someone to talk with. After 3 years of being my true self I found that in going back my GID is ten times worse than it ever was.

Thanks,
Stephanie

The different faces of hell.

December 4th, '09 was my last post I wrote. I stopped writing because I didn't want the depression that I was feeling to turn this blog into a boo who, woe is me type of think. At the time my feeling down was just that. Feeling a little down, sad all the time. I found out I knew nothing about depression. As the days turned into weeks, weeks turning into months, my depression became so severe that it took over my life. I sat most of the time with eyes closed, quiet trying to block out any kind of stimulation that was going on around me. My nervous system was at its peek. Other than seeing my doctor, I was housebound going nowhere. In the next 6 months I went through 3 different doctors and 3 assortments of medications. Nothing was helping me. More than once during this time I pleaded to my wife to let me go and end my life so I could end the torment I was going through. Of course she would see none of that. Finally I was passed off to a doctor that knew what she was doing and put me on meds that helped me to regain some sanity. I'm still not working, but I am able to take care of the house , go shopping, doing everyday things. But this sanity came with a big price. When I started on the first round of medications, 'Stephanie' got lost somewhere. The meds did it, the depression did it, I don't know which, but that feeling of being female is not as strong as it was. I still cringe when I see myself in the mirror. When I see other females I still long to be one. It's just a different type of feeling. I don't like it, but I don't know how to get back to where I was. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to stop my meds and that I'll be back the way I was. I understand now how having to go back to being male causes some to take their life. It is much harder going back than it ever was going forward.

I won't be posting much, my days are all the same. I have started reading your blogs again. Sometimes that is hard to do. Thanks for listening to me.

Hugs...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, if that's true, y'all should really love me! I've been away from here for 22days now, a new record. I've been away trying to get my will to survive back to surviving. What I'm doing doesn't seem to be working very well, I'm depressed as ever. Falling apart is much easier to do than building back.

Patty Lou's doctor visit was Wednesday. I drove the 2 hundred mile round trip in a cold driving rain. Truckers were passing me at 70 mph like I was standing still. By the time I got home I was a bundle of frayed nerves. The doctor told her she could put a shoe on her foot and start walking again. She's trying, but after having a cast on it for 14 weeks, and then a stiff boot on it for 6 weeks, it doesn't want to function very well. She's due to go back to work in 9 days so she's pushing it hard. I hate seeing the pain on her face.

So, Patty Lou's OK, I'm OK, and the dog is doing great. I'm going to try and be here a little more often and catch up on all your blogs. Bye for now.

Stephanie

Rumors of my demise are greatly exaggerated!

It's been eight days since I've posted anything, a new record for me. I don't think I let my blog slide like this even when my computer was down. I have nothing to say that is of any value, not that that kept me from writing before. My days are all the same lately, boring, do nothing but watch TV days. I've seen countless numbers of commercials that keep reminding me that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. Commercials telling me that to be happy I need to spend large sums of money of which I don't have. It all makes a girl want to say "bah humbug" and be done with the whole thing. I never did like the holidays anyway, now depressed it's even worse. I have seen one commercial that made me laugh though. It's for the pistachio growers association. Remember Levy Johnston, Bristol Palin's (Sarah's daughter) babies daddy? The commercial shows him with a muscle bound guy and the voice over says, "Levy Johnston does it with protection" as he cracks a nut and eats it. Bet he wishes he'd had some protection when he got his nut with Bristol! lol

Patty Lou's ankle gave us a scare Monday. Her foot and half of her leg swelled up and turned an ugly shade of purple. She called the doctor and was told to elevate it , which helped. By Tuesday it looked almost like a normal foot again. We don't know what caused it, she'd not been on it much. I guess she's just pushing it too hard trying to get back to work. I'll sure be glad when this is all done. It's really getting to me.

No news on the work front. Patty Lou even said how dead it looked in town yesterday morning at a time when it should have been busy. This is a tourist town with no tourists. Bad, very bad.

Ok, I just wanted to check in. Not to worry, my world hasn't come to an end and I've not been captured by aliens as depicted in movies and TV! lol

Stephanie

It ain't easy

About this time of year three years ago, I went from being a weekend girl to full time. Actually all I really did was start wearing make-up all the time and started wearing jeans and tee's with a more feminine flair to them. I was a bit nervous at first, but when everyone treated me nice with only a slight discord among them, my confidence soared and the butterflies in my stomach went away. I wrote about it in my old Y360 blog, everyone praised me and said how brave I was for being my true self. It really didn't take much courage to do something that I felt (and still feel) was a natural thing, something that I should have been able to do from birth. There are things that take much more courage to do than to "come out" or be "full time".

For weeks now I've known that it is highly unlikely that I will find a job and remain a full time girl. People in this area are not as liberated as they are in other parts of this country and abroad. They may have seen a changing world on television but they do not embrace it's change here. People tell me that it shouldn't matter how I dress as long as it is within standards and I can do the job. But when you ask someone for a job you get a different attitude entirely. It would be OK just as long as it was somewhere else. I guess they fear repercussions. I do understand.

Yesterday my truck quit on me and I had to have a friend (my only friend from pre-transition) tow it home for me. Luckily he has a car dolly. Of course that sent my depression into a spin. I know that with us living 23 miles from town and having only one poor vehicle that could quit on us at anytime, it is imperative that I get work immediately. Bills are overdue, we are in deep trouble. So, last night I made up my mind that I was going job hunting this morning as "Steven". I'd take off the make-up and nail polish. I'd wear jeans and a shirt that was as "male" as I have, and hope that my breasts didn't give away too much information.

......I am not a brave person. .....I have no courage.
This morning came and I couldn't do it. If you think that it is hard to come out to your family and friends or go full time, try going back after three years of being your true self. I still don't know what me a Patty Lou are going to do, but I can't go back.....and I feel sooo bad about it.

Stephanie

Bits of life, such as it is.

The new higher dose of my anti-depression drug is not working for me. The depression isn't quite as bad, but now I have no feelings at all. My ambition to do anything, anything at all, has left me too. I sit like a zombie planted in front of the television. Even sitting here checking out how you, "the girls", are doing hasn't been interesting me, and that's way different from me being my normal self. I'm quite the curious type. (OK, I'm a nosey person!) My writing has dwindled to a trickle, not that I have anything to say, but that never stopped me before. Commenting on your posts has all but stopped too, and I'm very sorry for that. I just can't hold a thought long enough to form an opinion about anything. I have an appointment with my therapist in 9 days and I hope I can get through to her the importance of my HRT and my need to at least cut way back on this dose of Invega or stop it all together. I feel that if I can get back to my full dose of HRT, I wouldn't be needing an anti-depressant, and especially this one that's prescribed for bi-polar patients. Why she thought I needed that I don't know. I'm believing like some of you that I'm being used as a guinea pig being used for research. Well, it's time for the experiment to be over, I need my emotions back, even if some of them are bad. Not feeling is just as bad.

On a better note, Patty Lou is pushing herself pretty hard to get back to walking again. She tells me that there's just a lot of stiffness to her ankle and very little pain, but I know she's pushing herself so she can get back to work. She's the one that deals with the bills and she knows how deep of a hole we are in. My job search continues. Putting applications in gives me less and less hope that I'll get a job as Stephanie, I see the look in their eyes. ..."YOU want a job, like that?" ...It gets very discouraging.

I don't watch much football, but my Arkansas Razorbacks may have a chance to beat South Carolina so I'll be watching that this morning. Pre-game is coming up soon. Bye for now.

Stephanie

Patty Lou's mobile, almost

After fourteen weeks of having the blasted thing on her ankle, Patty Lou finally got the cast taken off and to stay off. Wednesday was our trip to Little Rock and she was trying to be calm about going, not wanting to get her hopes up, but I could tell she was in a nervous excitement. She just knew she would get a walking boot and couldn't wait to be able to walk again. She had it in her mind that with the boot she'd be up and going. For any of you who have had a broken foot/ankle/leg you know that isn't so. I've been telling her that her ankle would hurt like hell when she did get on it, but that seemed to go in one ear and out the other. She knows better now. Still, she's pushing herself to limp along with the help of her walker and I'm sure she'll be headed back to work in record time. Yeah! I love the woman, but 24 hrs. a day for 3 & 1/2 months and I'm ready to kiss her good bye for at least her 8 hrs gone for work! ...Oh, truth be told, we probably got along better than most spouses would being together like that.

There's nothing going on with me. I've put in a few more applications but haven't heard anything back. I envision the person taking my app laughing as they make a paper airplane out of it and flying it into the trash can. If they are, I'm happy I made them laugh. Hey, maybe I could join the circus and be a clown! Everybody loves a clown.

Later...

Stephanie