Changes...

As you can see, I've been playing around with the blog layout and the color, rearranging the furniture, if you will. Maybe it will carry over onto me. I could use a little rearranging, something a little different. Man didn't work at all. Woman is alright, but getting to the complete stage is so costly I'll never make it. I think I'll try beast next. Yes, that's it, beast. Beast is an open category, there's not many of them around. It should be a cheap way to go. You just get hairy, stay unkempt, and growl a lot. Easy. And hey, beauties like beasts I hear. Oh, but wait, I forgot. I already was a beast, sort of a sub category of when I tried being a man. Dang. And there I thought I'd found my place in life. ...sigh. ...Back to more rearranging. Maybe I should try buffoon next, they wear make-up!
......Hear me screaming?

Stephanie

Maybe some other time...

Well, I felt like fooey all day, mad at myself for not getting my butt in gear with this transition. I had planned to write this gray, dismal, ugly blog, yes, like some of the other hundred or so that I've written, but instead, I filled the bong up and watched Amber and Teresa pop bubble wrap. Aren't cha glad!

Stephanie

What's the caption?

Hmmm ...Chilly Dog, or Hot Dog?

... He seems to be fascinated by the red glow, spending about six hours every morning in front of here while waiting for Patty Lou to come home from work. The other two hours are spent begging snacks from me, pee breaks, and going bonkers the last thirty minutes when his internal timepiece says she'll be home real soon. Me? Well, his squeeky chicken gets more respect! When I get home, he greets me at the door, then it's right back to Patty Lou. Maybe I should get me a cat and cause a little jealousy!

Stephanie

Big burly construction workers...

At one of the buildings where I work, they are adding a new section, a rather large section. Apparently they are in a hurry to get this new part on-line because they are working around the clock to get it done. This means that there are a bunch of new construction type workers, welders, electricians, metal workers, that haven't been privileged to have met me. As it usually is, when my daughter and me get to this part of the plant it was break time for them. We have to come in one end of the building and walk maybe 500 feet to the other end where the bathrooms and offices are. When we walked in, I noticed that it looked a bit 'busy' down at the other end, but I never expected a dozen big, burly, and some, beautifully handsome men all lined up so they could get a good look at little 'ol me. And yes it was for me, their eyes were glued to me. I guess word had gotten around about the tranny and they just had to see. ...Ok, I can handle this, just keep smiling,...wish I'd have worn the tight jeans. ... ahhh, what?, something has changed... There were no laughs, no snickers, not one hint of anyone even thinking anything bad about me. Two even said Hi! Big, burly construction workers said Hi to the tranny and didn't laugh when they did it! And believe me, I watched their every move right up until the buzzer for the break to be over sounded and they went back to work. They were gentlemen, every one of them. Now, you know how a group of men can be, and for this to happen, well, I wanted to kiss them all, which I'm sure that wouldn't have gone over very well. lol...
So, here you are men. I apologise for the many times that I've said that all men are pigs. I was a pig when I was pretending to be a man, and I let my shortcoming affect my opinion of all men. It still amazed me though that a dozen good ones managed to be in one place at the same time! You sure made my night!

Stephanie

Coming to terms with 'Why'...

In that big file of mine marked Why, there is a long list of questions that I had no answers for back when they were first asked, but even now I still look for. Most will never be known. Questions like; Why did so many of my fathers friends say, "Look at the pretty girls", (meaning my sister Joyce and me) when it seemed obvious to me that I wasn't a girl? I didn't look like one, I wasn't dressed like one, but there were many times, by different people, that they would say this. Did they see something in me that I hadn't seen? And too, by them saying this, did it plant the seed of transsexualism in me? Or was it there before? Since I have no memory before the third grade, caused I believe by a beating after showing the boys at school 'my' panties, I can't look back to when the first signs of my dysphoria began, so I wonder if I'm a product of circumstances. In my teen years, there were a lot of men who wanted to have sex with me, more than what I would think other slim, young males would have been propositioned for. It made me think that there was something about me that brought this towards me. I said yes March 31, 1967, three days before I was 13. I was sorry I did, and didn't do it again until I was in my mid twenties. Why at age 14 did my first therapist come on to me? Was it that he saw this girl in me? This I doubt, he was just a pervert, but it did reinforce that feeling that I was supposed to be a girl. There were many other things like this. So, how much of me started out female, and how much has been forced on to me? This question has no definite answer, and only I can come to terms with how much was there before. To be honest, I don't think there was much there, I think it was thrust upon me. Am I any less transsexual? Our environment shapes all of us. I just happened to turn out this way and I'm doing the best I can with what I was dealt, just like everyone else in this world. I like where I'm going with this, I'm a happy girl, not an angry shadow. That's all that matters.

Stephanie

Patty Lou update...

Well, today was the day that Patty Lou had to go back to see the Dr. After being worried out of our minds, not sleeping much for a week, sitting in the waiting room filling out papers concerning every medical thing that has been wrong with her her entire life, all he wanted her to come in for was to, ahem,.....feel her up. Yep, he had her lay on the table, felt her breasts, said the breast tissue felt normal to him, and said to come back in 6months if something felt different, which it never did, otherwise, come back in a year for her normal check-up. I'd like to bitch slap them people. They shouldn't scare people half to death with this not telling what's going on thing. It takes to much life out of a person. Since Patty Lou's and my health care is provided by a free clinic, I think the only reason he had her come back was to get the easy money that comes from programs for the poor. It's easier for them to get that than going through insurance companies of the middle class. Less hassle. Now a days, if your not rich, when it comes to health care, it's better to be living in poverty, which even though we are both working, we still are below the cut-off line. Just another example of the rich got richer and the poor got poorer.
....So now we're breathing again, 'til the next scare.

Stephanie

Phases...

Reading through the blogs of transitioning girls, you see different phases to transitioning. There are girls at that first step of finding themselves, deciding that they are indeed transsexual. They find relief, solace in that realization, which is quickly followed by the fear of going forward. Then you can read about the girls who have taken that next step and told someone of their thoughts and their desire to change their gender presentation, the coming out phase. The decision to start on hormone therapy usually follows shortly thereafter. In this coming out phase, with hormones changing their body and their mind, they find the acceptance of most, but not all. That's the same in any one's life, not just the transgender. Some people like you, some people don't. Next comes a big step, presenting themselves as female, a nervous, scary step to say the least. But in just a short time they find that it really wasn't as big a deal as they thought it would be. Soon they are in that same 'ol routine that they were in before their big leep. They go to work, they have a home life, they live a life very similar to what they had before, with very little changing but for their appearance. They find that being accepted as a transsexual is very comforting, a calming takes place within them. I'm at this phase. We know what the next step is, SRS for those who physically need to change their body, but there is a step before that. This step I didn't think I needed, but it seems to be taking on a greater importance as of late. By everyone at work, I'm looked at as a transitioning transsexual, still male, but presenting as female. Their knowledge, and my appearance, is keeping me in a middle ground that, quite frankly, I'm not liking at all. I want to belong, I want to be one of the girls, not just a close facsimile of one. I want to take the acceptance that I have received one step farther. I didn't think I would ever want to be totally stealth about this change, but I my be changing my mind on that. I need this acceptance. Right now, I don't think I need SRS, but this may change too, because, as you see, as I go through these steps of change, my mind is changing too.

Stephanie

Two of a kind!

After years of saying I'd never have a dog inside, I finally said OK so that Patty Lou would have company when I was at work in the evenings. I didn't know that she would be needing him to keep her mind off of her worries. Seems that big book where my life is all written out in has great timing.
...A question. If you could sneak a look at your book, would you?

Stephanie

Patty Lou...

After telling her that everything was good with her breast scan, the Dr., a surgeon from the Women's Health Center, wants her to come in next Thursday. He called her at her work and didn't give any explanation, but it certainly can't be good. She was crying when I talked to her a few minutes ago. Now I'm crying.........................
................................................this sucks

Stephanie
Update: ...it's been 10 hours since Patty Lou came home from work. I've been to work, been home for 2 hours, and the only thing that has gone through my head is hearing her say to me as she walked in the door this afternoon, "Don't worry, everything's going to be alright." ...I love that woman.

Work related thoughts...

Lately, it seems like one worry passes and another takes it's place.
...Everything was going along as usual at work tonight until I see the contract for the cleaning company I work for on a desk and along side of it there is a post-a-note with the name of another company on it. Whenever a company tries to save money, one of the first places they look at is the janitorial services. I think we are cheaper than anyone else, but now I'll be worried about my job for awhile. ...sigh
No R-E-S-P-E-C-T
...Under the heading of 'Men are Pigs' comes this. I was cleaning one of the men's bathrooms tonight when a guy comes in, eases up to the urinal, pulls IT out, and pees. I never heard him come in, so imagine my surprise when I turned around and there he was. Most of the men there give me a chance to leave before they do their business, but there are a few who don't. And it isn't just a tranny thing either. They have done it in front of my daughter, but I get the least respect. When the next one does it, I think I'll walk over, give IT a good look and say, "Mines bigger!" Maybe he won't be so apt to show it off anymore.
More from the 'Men are Pigs' category.
...Why is it that men not only don't respect women, but they don't even think about the next man. There are a couple of these goofs that paper the toilet seat, trying to protect themselves from the little critters I assume, and then when they're done just get up and walk away. No removing the paper, no flushing, nothing. The next guy either has to clean up after him, or find another stall. In this same bathroom, two out of three were papered without flushing and a mess waiting for me to take care of. In the 28 months that I have done janitorial work, there has never been anything like this in the ladies rooms. They respect the next person in line. This is just another good reason for me to change sexes. Who would want to be associated with a group of knuckle dragging neanderthals like this? MEN!!!

(Oh, as you can see, the hair is darker. Not quite as thin, but still with the ugly comb over. yuk!)

Stephanie

A-OK!

After sitting in the waiting room at the hospital for 2 1/2 hours, pacing in the hallway for at least half of that time, and after a very nice older lady telling me that they took her to get an ultra-sound, (OMG!, WHAT!!!) I knew the moment I saw Patty Lou that everything was alright. She came out smiling like she always is. Her breasts only have multiple cysts, which was the reason they had her do the ultra-sound. There were about 20 people waiting for their test, most of them with someone for support. I don't know what they thought of me, but then, I didn't care either. I was there for Patty Lou. Only the one lady as she and her husband were leaving was kind enough to give me an update. I think the nurses and receptionists were too put off by me to say anything to me. They made sure that they all got a good look at the tranny though. Just wait until the clinic sends me for my mammogram! lol...

Stephanie

Keeping composure...

I don't know if anyone else does this, but the only way that I can cope with the stress of potential bad news is to run every scenario that could possibly come up through my head. In doing that, I feel I have at least some control of the situation. I look at all the 'what ifs' and even plan on what my response will be given each possibility. I do this for my self preservation and to try and show strength when it's needed. I'm going with Patty Lou to see the Dr. tomorrow.(Tuesday) It will be a few days until we know the results, a long wait, I'm sure. I've prepared myself for the worst, but I'm hoping for the best. Even though my insides are a churning mess, I will be strong, I will be strong.

Stephanie

Learning how to be normal...

Even though most people who know me wouldn't say that I'm anywhere near normal, this life I'm living now is as close to normal life as anything I've ever known. Most of you know, my years of pre-transition were foggy workdays waiting for weekends of crossdressing, more drugs, and more alcohol, sobering just enough to go to work on Monday and doing it all over again. Those days are over, and now I find myself not knowing how to do the 'normal' things that most people my age learned years ago. I didn't grow-up, my biggest problem being, I didn't learn how to be in a social gathering, conversation eludes me. I feel so inept, like a teenager in a group of adults, wanting to contribute, but utterly afraid of saying the wrong thing. So I keep to myself, a wallflower, dying on the inside. I don't know how to change this, but I must. It is keeping me from becoming whole.

Stephanie

"I'll take, 'What are you' for $2000, Alex"

Of course it's going to be a daily double, and me being without money the house rules would apply. So I'd get to wager $2000 anyway.
"The answer is, ...'This is the category that Stephanie fits into'."
(cue the music)
...'What is_____?'
Yep, there goes the money, now I'm 2k in the hole, because there is no word to put into the blank. Doctors only have 'boy' or 'girl' to choose from and the middle ground is not recognized, yet. Someday tests may be made before the declaration is made, but not yet. That leaves me, and people like me, transsexuals, with only the two to choose from, and society dictates that we must choose. We have to be one or the other. But do we? Could we not have our own 'middle' category, and be proud of it, and work to make society accept us as that, as we are? By working to change societies view of us, we could reduce greatly the amount of importance that is put on the way we look, now a detouring factor for thousands of transgender people who do not live a fulfilled life. Those of us who have transitioned know how much better it feels to be our true selves, and this with us living with the stigma that society deals us. Imagine it gone, freedom for all of us to be ourselves. Bliss.
Society is changing, slowly. Acceptance is much better than just a few years ago, but it could be moved along much faster. I think if we, the transgender, didn't put so much importance in the final goal, SRS, and be proud to be a middle gender, a bi-gender, society would accept us sooner. We are finding out that there are millions of people considered transgender, but in the big world we are still just a small percentage, rare, and anything that is rare is special. We are special, we should be proud of that.

... just a dreamer,
Stephanie

Quick Update...

Patty Lou has an appointment for next Tuesday for a diagnostic mammogram, one that's more thorough than the first one she had. She seems to be taking this pretty good, while me, well, I'm a basket full of frayed nerves. Hormones sure heighten your emotions, nervous tension being one of them. So, I wait, we wait...

Stephanie

Reality...

Yep, I'm livin' in the real world, and it jumped up and bit me on the ass. Just a few days ago, I wrote that I don't like surprises. Now you'll see why.
After she got off from work today, Patty Lou had her 6 month scheduled appointment at the Drs office. A pap smear and a breast exam were done. When she got home I could tell she'd been crying so I knew something was wrong. They found a lump in her right breast. 25 yrs ago, she had a biopsy performed on some lumps that turned out to be benign cysts, so with that in mind there is a little hope that everything will be alright. But I feel like we're one of those ducks at the fair that float around waiting for someone to pay their dollar and pick them. Sooner or later your going to get picked, and we've been floating for a long time. She's 52, I'm 54, every little scare is causing more and more anxiety. It is inevitable that someone is going to pick us up and look at the bottom to see if they are a big winner or if they just wasted their dollar. It sounds real bad, but I'm hoping that there were a lot of losers that paid their dollar before we get picked up. Couldn't they pick another duck so we can just float some more?

Stephanie

Cover Girl Liquid Make-up, with Noxema

Can you smell that smell? I can smell it, but I don't need a bottle to be able to smell it, it's engraved in my olfactory senses. It was the first liquid make-up that I ever put on. Yeah, it's been around that long! It's still being made today, and although I don't use it now, Patty Lou does. 'Clean make-up', that's how it's advertised. I'd have to say, it hooked me. Yep, that's what did it. Not the red lipstick, nor the blue eye shadow, not even the black mascara that came in a little red box. Nope, it was that liquid make-up with it's wonderful smell that made me the make-up wearing girl I am today. Somewhere around the age of 14, I put that creamy solution on my face, and even my flawless complexion looked better. (Hey! I was 14, it was flawless then!) I'll admit it, it was a turn-on, and I guess in some way, it still is. The memory of that first time, that first smell, every time I sit down to put on my make-up I remember it. Through the years, I've tried to get that feeling back, but like all first times it can never be, first times are special. Do you remember your first time you did all your make-up? Is it the smell you remember?

Stephanie

Privately...

As the gray days continue, today's little ray of sunshine warmed me from head to toe. Just like most of you who have someone special in your life, when we are alone, my wife calls me by a pet name that no one else does, Skeeter. That was what my mother called me when I was little, (I WAS all arms and legs!) Patty Lou picked it up from her. (my mother hung that name on her too) Anyway, today, while she was trying to get the dog to leave her alone for a minute, (he's very demanding) she says, ..."Go see what Steph is doin'." ...I became Steph. WOOHOO! She's been real good about calling me Steph or Stephanie in public, but at home this is a first. I haven't heard a 'she' or 'her' yet, other than when we are at the bar, but I'm pleased. Small steps forward are still steps in the right direction. Yeah!
OMG! Now you know my pet name. Alright, but if we should ever find ourselves locked in the throws of passion, I'd better not hear it!!!

Stephanie

She's come undone...

WARNING: DOWNER BLOG.

Is there anyone else out there that can be getting along fine, everything just great, your smiling at the world, then you go to bed and wake-up feeling like you would end your world if it wouldn't cause such pain with your loved ones? I swear, it's like a switch is turned off in me. There is no reason for it, nothing I do, eat, or drugs that I change that causes it. It just happens, poof! Today was a gray day. I could care less about me, the new dog, the wife, nothing matters. How can that be? This has been my way of life all my life, and somehow, someway, it has got to change. I get real quiet and to myself to deal with it. In that way I try not to let it effect the people around me. (if there's a smile upon my face...) The only good thing is, since I started transition, and the farther I go with it, the duration of this gray period is getting shorter. It used to last weeks, now it's only days. But still, the ugliness is bad. I'm on an anti-depressant, but it was prescribed for sleep and I couldn't function if I took it at any other time of day, it knocks me out. ...OK, 'nough said. I'll deal with it.
...And through the dark clouds of gloom, there is one bright spot of light. The new dog, after two poo poos in the house made his first poo outside. Hey, on days like this, a girl has to bask in the only ray of sunshine she sees! ..............Later

Stephanie

New Year, New Addition

Happy New Year!

....I was debating weather to go out or stay at home all day, finally, at the last minute, decided we would go out. Since it's a 23mile trip to town, Patty Lou picked me up at work and we went directly to the bar. Why we went, I don't know. We sat there complaining about the loud music, the drunken people, and the crazy idea that someone had about tying ribbons to balloons that hung down in your face as you moved about. Dumb! I drank two beers, Patty Lou had a coke, and we left at 11:15 getting home just in time to see the ball drop in New York. Happy New Year! I swear I'm staying home next year.

....Ahh, but we started off the new year in a good way. Today we went and got ourselves a new puppy from an animal shelter so I would have company in the mornings while Patty Lou is at work, and her company at night when I'm at work. His name is Nate, a Lhasa mix, 7 months old, and very friendly. I said some time ago that I wasn't going to get another dog to become attached to, and I said I'd never have an inside dog, but I'm an old softy with a big heart and when she showed me his picture on pet finders, I couldn't resist. ...sigh. His messes on the floor may make me crazy for awhile, but he'll learn, or rather he'll train me to know when he needs to go out. Maybe I can learn!

....I hope everyone had a safe start to the new year. Let's be optimistic that this year will be a better one than the last, and that all our wishes for this year come true.

Stephanie