I don't have time to cry

I made it to the hospital today to get my blood work done. It will get sent to the clinic so my therapist will have it on Aug. 19th when my next appointment with her is. Once a month appointments, too slow for me, but beggars can't be choosers. I really needed to see her any one of these past 3 days, but you get what you pay for. While I was in town, I went to the clinic to pick up mine and Patty Lou's monthly meds. While there, the Dr. she saw had me give him an update. I had already talked to his nurse yesterday explaining that the consultation with the orthopedic surgeon they wanted her to see, was going to be so expensive that we were going to fore go it. Her Dr. is worried that the ligaments were torn and she would have problems even after the bone sets. I left still wondering how I was going to pay for the consultation. Then later today, the clinic called telling Patty Lou that it was an absolute certainty that she needed surgery. The good news is that they are arranging for the surgery to be done at the University of Arkansas Medical Center where they have a program for poorer people. We will only have to pay a token amount. Again, it's better that we are in the poorer class of people than middle class. We were middle class when I broke my leg. The $22,000 it cost took about 7 yrs for us to pay off, but we did.
Now, if I can just get a new job lined up starting in September...

Stephanie

Taking care of each other

I've never had to take care of Patty Lou before, except for something like the flu. She's had to care for me twice in our marriage. The first time was when I had a disc problem in my lower back causing me to be bent over at a ninety degree angle and laying on my stomach on a hard fold out couch for 4 months before they decided to remove the blown disc. She even had to wipe my ....bottom, as I couldn't reach back there. The second time was for another 4 months when I broke my leg and the Dr. put a screw through a nerve causing my foot to feel like it was in a vise. After removing the screw it slowly got better. To say that both times I was a bitch to care for would be an understatement. Unlike me, she has been the perfect patient.
Now, I'll tell you that I knew and appreciated that she does nearly all the housework, with me doing all of those typical things a husband does, mow, fix things, car repair, but knowing and doing what she does is two different things. It's only been two days and I find I don't have time to get everything done. I'm busy until it's time to leave for work, which might be a good thing, because I don't have time to dwell on my problems. Already I feel like I'm going to get through this tough time. I have people at work who are trying to pick up my spirits, offering me hope, understanding my situation. I just need to be a bit more optimistic and stop thinking that just because I'm transgendered that I'll never be able to find work again. Pre-transition when I would be out of work, it always seemed that something would come my way just in time to keep us afloat. Patty Lou would worry, I would be confident. With my transition, it's just the opposite.
Taking care of each other is a big part of a marriage. Seems we both picked the right partner to make it though this life.

Stephanie

When it rains, it pours

Monday evening it rained, a thunderstorm knocking out the electric about 1am Tuesday morning leaving us in the dark. I lay in bed not sleeping waiting for it to come on. At 5am when Patty Lou's alarm rang, I got up to help her navigate the dark house with a flashlight. Knowing that I don't sleep well, she sent me back to bed telling me she could get herself ready for work. She took the dog out so he could do his morning business, her sitting on the step waiting 'til he was done. He finished, she got up, missed the bottom step, twisted her ankle, fell in the mud breaking the small bone in her ankle. Amazingly, I hear her calling for help. I jump out of bed and find her crying, laying in the mud, unable to get up. Somehow I get her inside and cleaned up. I see it's real bad. Because we don't have any kind of insurance, she wanted to wait until I went to the clinic to pick up my blood work papers. At 8am we loaded up, painfully, and made our way to the clinic. The clinic is really just for basic care, and they don't have an x-ray machine, so after 3hours of phone calls,(trying to keep us from paying thousands of $'s) they made arrangements for her to be seen at the hospital. 3hours later, after putting a boot on her and a prescription for pain meds, we made it home in time for me to go to work. She will be off from work about a month. I get to work and find out that we lost the contract and I will be un-employed on Aug. 30th. At a little before midnight, I am in a state of shock as to how the last 24 hours have gone. I can't even cry. I know soon I will be in that dark corner I hide in watching life go by. My doubts about being able to remain presenting as female are overwhelming me. Please forgive me if I am absent from here, I need to mend myself, for I am broken.

Stephanie

A little story tonight

I've written that it's been looking like I would be out of work. Well, now there is a glimmer of hope that we will get the contract.
All last week, emails sent to the woman in charge of our contract were being ignored. We were sure we were out of the door with someone else taking over. Last Friday morning, the president of the company needed his sport coat dry cleaned and pressed and low and behold he went to the cleaners where my wife works the front counter. She saw he had a Triumph shirt on, so she asked him what he did there. He told her he was the 'head'. She asked which department, again he said the head. (She had no idea he was the president!) She told him her daughter had the cleaning contract there, but she may not be there after the end of this month because it didn't look like the contract was going to be re-newed. He seemed interested, but didn't ask any questions. Late Friday, the emails were being answered, and a meeting is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The presidents secretary has been well pleased with our eagerness to help her out when she needed something special done. Seems that, just maybe, the president said something to her about the cleaning contract and she started asking questions.
There's no way of knowing, but if we get this contract, I'm near 100% sure it will have been because of Patty Lou. The girl likes to talk, and this time she may have talked to the right person. I should know this week.

Stephanie
Oh! The clinic OK'd the expense for my blood work, so I go get that done tomorrow, well, it's today now!

Surprises on date night

On our way back home from 'date night', Patty Lou and I were discussing Cloe's and Rene's marriage. She could see that they didn't seem happy just like most of us did. She said Rene was still mourning the loss of 'Ted'. And then she told me something that about floored me. She said she had to mourn my death, (Steve's) before she could move forward with Stephanie. She had never told me this before. She also reiterated that Stephanie and Steve were two different people entirely, Steve being a rotten bastard of a husband, and Stephanie a loving, gentle, caring partner. (everyone who knew me even in my crossdressing days said this also, I didn't think so) You've read the same from me, so you know that I already knew that, but to have her say it to me, well, it was another big surprise. I didn't have a clue she felt like that. It seemed to me when I went full time, that after a few months of slight tension between us, things started to get better and kept improving. And they're still getting better every day. I thought I knew Patty Lou, and I thought I could tell everything that went on in her head. 36 years together and I missed something as important as that. And now I wonder what else could I be missing. Am I so wrapped up in myself that I don't see how my transition affects my wife? This is one scary thought. One that needs much more examination. We , or I should say, Steve and Pat, never talked about things together, we kept our thoughts to ourselves, or screamed them at each other once an argument started. Actually sitting down and discussing what's on our minds is a new concept to us, one that needs to come more often, and much more freely. Since we know we will be together forever, this new communication between us can only make our love for each other grow stronger.
...This life I'm now living can be sooo different at times, but sooo much better than before.

Stephanie

Riding with Dr. H

After a long and trying day yesterday, I couldn't stay awake long enough to include some things in last nights entry, so here's more.
The mechanics of my visit, what is going to be done, is to try and get me my baseline blood work tests so she can switch my meds. I say try because the clinic usually doesn't authorize these tests due to the cost. They are going to try and make an exception just for me, since I'm one of a kind! lol ..Dr. H wants the blood work done so she can switch my meds, off of Serequel, and switched to either Risperdal or Invega. (An on-line search didn't make me happy about using either one of these drugs) She also wanted to take me off both my Spiro and Estrogen, the reasoning behind that I don't know, but I flatly refused to do it. I explained what happened when I went on them, (nearly stopped all drinking and illegal drugs, anger departed) and told her how I felt when I had an on-line screw-up getting them. Three weeks of pure hell ensued. I was THE bitch! She decided I could stay on them.
Of course I couldn't leave without a new appointment, so we went to the front desk to set things up. In doing so, Dr. H was explaining to the head nurse, Sharon, who shows great care in trying to help me, what tests she wants done and the drugs she wants me on. You would have had your head spinning on your shoulders listening to this conversation. Both of them inter-changed the 'he' and 'she' pronouns so much that anyone would have been confused about which they were by the time they were able to walk away. Once I was back in my car, I wished I'd have jumped in and told them to get it right. Next time it happens, I politely will. The world needs an education on this matter. ..."Hey world! If it looks like a duck, call it a duck! ...The duck will correct you if you are wrong."
As I really have no other options available to me, I guess I'll ride this roller coaster with Dr. H and see where we go. If it goes into that dark, scary tunnel though, I will be the only one coming out of the other end. She will have been thrown overboard!

Stephanie

Transsexual Therapy, class of ......

My therapy session. Well, ok, gee, what to say. This is going to be different, different from all the rest of the psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, ..head shrinkers that I've been to in my years of trying to find who I am, what I am. I'm even wondering if I want or should keep seeing her. Let me explain.
Dr. H is not only a therapist, but also a research type ...whatever, (I'm not sure of the word) that sees me as a project to study. I don't know if I like this or not. She's wanting me to meet a professor at one of our major teaching hospitals in Little Rock, so I can take questions from learning therapists. This has me feeling like I'm going to be put under a microscope. Some of you know of my fear of being 'on stage', and this looks as though it's headed in that direction. ..."See the tranny? Jump tranny, jump!" ... I keep thinking though, that this may be my only way to move forward. I don't foresee any time in the future when I will be financially able to afford SRS, not that following this though would lead to that, but closer. I don't know what to do. All I wanted was someone with a little understanding about being transsexual to tell my problems to. What I got is a new set of problems. I guess the question is, "Do I want to be a guinea pig, in trade of moving forward?" Right now, I just don't know.

Stephanie

"I'm just a little hormonal today!"

My best girlfriend at work asked me how I was doin'. I said something like, "Oh, I'm alright." The way my voice cracked with emotion she could tell right away that I'm a bundle of nerves. I nearly broke down crying. I told her I was just nervous about this work contract thingy, which I am , but then add to it everything else that seems to be going wrong, breaking down, or just everyday stress, and my nervous system is frayed badly. (I could use a little yellow pill!) She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call if I needed to talk. That nearly got me crying too. .......And then she went back to talking with some of the other women in this cubicle. They were talking about a party for someone being held at a local bar. All the girls were invited. ...I wasn't. I doubt if I ever will be. (damn tears)

Tomorrow is my therapy session, and even though I've seen countless numbers of shrinks, this woman has me very anxious. Scared to death is more like it! This is the first therapist I've had that actually has knowledge about transsexuals, and even though I've lived 2 1/2 yrs full time, knowing that she can and will be advancing me on my journey is both exciting and scary. She seems genuinely interested in knowing EVERYTHING about me, where all the rest of my therapists just gave me lip service, they were there to draw a check. This woman is a volunteer at the clinic, so monetary gain isn't her agenda. It will cost me $5 a visit to see her. (Sometimes it's good to be poor!) Of course, you know I'll tell you all about my visit tomorrow night!

Stephanie

Disturbing sight

Shortly after getting to work today, I heard that they had laid-off another 39 people. That makes about 90 or 1/4 of the work force since March. And as usual, it's almost without exception, people who were hourly wage earners, the ones least able to survive this depression. I went along cleaning tonight, wondering if I knew any of them, when I saw this in the front office. It's a pile consisting of 39 badges of the people let go today. (pics a little fuzzy, sorry) I just stared at it, nearly reduced to tears. When you see the faces of those people smiling at the camera, happy that they had gotten a decent job, and then you know they are gone now, well, it just hurt me. Their picture put that human touch to those numbers that didn't seem to mean much when first heard. Sad, it's just sad....

I should know something on our contract by the end of the week. They have to give us a week notice before letting us go. A new contract would start Aug. 1st. I'm very worried.

Stephanie

de'ja' vu, adieu

Why would I, a transitioning M-F transsexual, have countless episodes of de'ja vu pre-transition, and then after starting transition have none? I hadn't realized that until today when I heard someone talking about their experience. I used to have them all the time, that strange feeling of being some place before when you know you haven't, that it wasn't even possible. I've made decisions based on how some of those would affect me, they were just that real. I haven't had one since I went on hormones 3 1/2 yrs ago. Could my chemistry have changed so much that I don't connect with that level of awareness now? Or maybe I am alone now, no previous life or other parallel world leaking into my space and time. I can't imagine how and why this would be, after all, I still feel like I am the same as before, the same 'me'. Has the me on the other side lost the me on this side? Hmmmm, I wonder.
I wonder about a lot of things...

Stephanie

Lost

I watch as people rush about, a purpose in their step. Their demeanor focused, going forward, traveling to a planned destiny. I shuffle about, nowhere, somewhere, minutes passing, days passing. I'm alone in a fog, a damp, misty sightless gloom. I see no joy, no ending to the story, no 'happily ever after'. I go without, within myself, one step this way, one step that, turning circles. The dark ever present. I'm lost, not lost, just not awake, not aware. Deceiving myself? Theft by deception. A life stolen, rearranged, unrecognised by those who care. Those who care, but who? Whom?
Alone, by myself in my dark corner, watching people with a purpose....

Stephanie

Engaging self preservation mode

One of these mornings
the chain is going to break,
but up until then, yeah,
I'm gonna take all I can take. ___Aretha Franklin

I'm going to crouch in my dark corner for awhile.
Please excuse my absence.

Love,
Stephanie

What goes up, must come down

I wrote yesterday that I was in a good place with life's happenings. That was yesterday.

It looks like after the end of the month I won't have a job. It's not definite yet, but all but. I found out today, (Wed) that the woman in charge of our contract, has taken to telling lies about our cleaning, giving herself a reason to get rid of us. There's nothing I can do. It's not been said, there's nothing to make me believe this, but it sure seems that it's all about me being trans. But then, that's where my mind goes when I'm stressed like I am. My world is crashing.

Stephanie

This here ain't got no title y'all!

Arkansas language humor! lol

First, has anyone heard a story about a transsexual (Lucie something?) being found dead in New Jersey while doing some kind of a retreat thingy? There was a story on our local news yesterday, (Tuesday) reporting that she was from Little Rock, Ark. I missed her last name and I'd like to see if I can find anything about her and the circumstances of her death. It surprised me so to hear the word transsexual on our local news that I missed most of what they said. It's the first time I've ever heard a story here about a trans person. Television stations just don't cover those stories here, which leads me to believe there was something different about this one. Like maybe she was part of an influential family. I did a search, but without a last name I didn't get anything, and KATV.com doesn't have the story listed. Maybe I can find it in the newspaper.

Now, I wanted to write about a list. I need to make a list. My appointment with my therapist is a week away and I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of things I want to talk about. The problem is, I can think all I want and don't have a clue as to what I want to talk to her about. Seems like I have a dozen thoughts, but not one of them wants to raise their hand to be noticed. Since everything is going good with me at the moment, I'm not stressed out and not in need of help right now. That's the only time I feel the need to talk to someone, when my mind is going into those dark corners when everything seems hopeless. I'm in a good place right now. I guess I'll tell her this and see where she wants to go with it. ...(giggle), it's a week away, by then the sky may be falling!

Stephanie

Updates

I don't know why, but I've been feeling pretty good lately. Since I started this transition, when there has been adversity in my life, I've been falling apart rather easily. I didn't do that pre-transition. Guess the hormones keep my emotions at the top of my limits and I become rattled quicker. It's a trade off. You feel the pain much more, but you feel the love much more. I like where I am.

And the adversity, well, let's see.

The electric problems aren't fixed. It hasn't shut off completely, but I can tell that there are still problems because of the flickering, and dimming of the lights on those few circuits that have been affected. My finances aren't right to have another electrician look at it, but that might be a good thing, 'cause I'm asking questions and getting a better understanding of what it could be and what it isn't. I'll soon have this figured out on my own. Then I'll shut everything off and fix it myself. I took extra precautions though in buying new batteries for the smoke detectors.

The car has been trying my patience lately. ('93 Jimmy) Two weeks ago, I replaced the starter on it. (that was fun) It had been acting up for sometime now, so it wasn't a surprise. I do procrastinate just a little. OK, a lot! Likewise, the front brake pads have been 'talking' to me, telling me, (screaming at me) to please replace them. So, after I got off of work yesterday, in 101 degree heat, I did a front brake job. By doing it myself, I saved about $80. The downside is, while doing it, I saw a nail in the sidewall of a back tire, so there goes the $80. ...sigh

The contract for our janitorial services was re-written and sent for us to look at. It's still a mess. Things that need everyday attention are still not going to be done. In their attempt to save money, they're going to wind up paying more by the time they get it right. The woman in charge of this hasn't got a clue what she's doing, and is too stubborn to ask for help. Oh well, their loss. I'm pretty sure I'll still have a job when it's all said and done. My angst over this problem is subsiding somewhat. YEAH!

And in the 'men are pigs' category.

I went to the bar Friday night and met a man who coincidentally is working at Triumph. He's contract labor for a new addition they're building. He asked to sit with me, saying he had always been fascinated with transsexuals. (tranny chaser) There was good conversation between us for the 1 1/2 hrs. he sat with me, if you overlooked that every ten minutes he would bring up the subject of sex. Tell me. How many times does a girl have to say NO! before a man understands what that means? (I know, they never understand) I guess, in a way I should be flattered by his attention, as I could plainly see (yep, plainly see!) that I turned him on. (HUGE!) The old me would have said yes. The new me is a good girl. He went home alone, and so did I. Guess I'm growing up. It sure took awhile.

Stephanie

Welcome to womanhood

So your on your way to becoming a woman. Be prepared for this.

My electric went off again today, the same circuits, but this time they came back on about ten minutes later. Before they did, I contacted an electrician who promptly came out to see what was wrong with it. I called him back when it came back on, asking him if he was going to be able to find the problem even though it was on. He assured me he could. He got here about thirty minutes before Patty Lou got home from work, so I was alone with him explaining what has been happening. This f***ing sexist S.o.B. would not listen to a word I was saying to him, treating me like the only thing electrical I knew about would be to change the batteries in my vibrator! He wanted to change my entire breaker box (the one on the outside of the house, I have two) for $700. Now I'm not an electrician, but I know if the box outside was bad, ALL the electric would go off, not just certain circuits. For part of the box inside to remain hot, the box outside has to be alright. I tried 4 times to explain that to him, but he just acted as though I was a stupid woman who couldn't possibly know anything about anything. I even went so far as to tell him I worked in construction for 35yrs, all but outing myself. It didn't help. He tightened a couple of connections and charged me $150 still saying I needed to change the outside box. This is not the first time I've been talked down to by a man. I've had car mechanics and parts people try to get over on me too. I can't wait until the next time this happens. Someone is going to see my willy, foul language will be heard, and they will be told just what they can do with their sexist attitude. And I bet they will still call me a bitch anyway!

Stephanie

Work, giggling, and a cute guy

I still haven't heard any news on a contract yet. This waiting to find out if you have a job for another year is torture. I had to talk with the woman who is in charge of issuing the contract, telling her she needed a plumber in one of the bathrooms. I've only had to deal with her once before and she seemed real nervous with me. Tonight she was a bit more at ease. Maybe that's a good thing. OMG! Maybe it's because she knows I won't be there much longer. Arrrrrrr!! I'd be pulling my hair out if it wasn't too thin already!

And tonight I had a little fun at work.
First off, work is about the only place I go where I interact with people. I go to the gay bar, but I'm not treated the same there as I am at work. I think you understand. Gay people treat me differently than straight people do. With the people at work being friendly to me, it bolsters my self image, an affirmation of me being a woman.
Now, some of my women friends and I, have talked about everything that any two women would talk about, and everything about me. Amanda being one of them. She's a 28yr old, pretty blond, with a figure to die for! Oh, and married. Ya, so am I! ...Anyway... I'm standing in the hallway right in front of her cubical, when a very, very, VERY! cute guy comes walking toward me. He says 'hi'. I give him my flirty, big eyed, smiling, sexy voice, 'hi' , then I turn and watch him walk the next 200 feet until he leaves at the end of the hall. Amanda is watching this. I see her watching me and I go 'woo'. And then I explain how most men don't turn me on, But that one... And then we get to talkin' about men, their short comings, basically dissing the whole gender. Both of us are giggling like school girls! Thank goodness there wasn't anyone else within hearing range. She had been gathering her stuff to go home, so we said good night, still giggling. That 10 minutes of girl talk with her tonight was priceless, the part of my job worth having to clean toilets to get. Now, if I could just get 10 minutes (alone) with that cute guy, maybe I could talk him into.......!

Stephanie

And now it gets strange

Well now. So I get up this morning and, low and behold, all the electric circuits that were dead yesterday are now working! All I did was look at things that I knew nothing about, so I didn't do anything to fix the problem. What I have determined is that the outage was all on the right side of my main breaker box, leaving me to believe there is a short in the main breaker on just that side. But I'm not sure, and until it quits again, an electrician wouldn't be able to tell me either. So I wait, ...and start sticking some money back to pay for it when it does occur. (OMG! I'm planning ahead! I never did THAT before!)

Stephanie

Oh, that's just great...

I've got problems. While sitting here writing dribble, my computer goes dead, along with an air conditioner, 6 wall plugs, the drier, and all the overhead lights. When I did construction work, the one thing I never learned how to be was an electrician. I can run a new circuit, but that's about all. I have no knowledge of how to backtrack a dead one. A breaker didn't pop, so I don't even know which one it is. It must be a burned out wire, but I have no idea how to find it. And, without knowing which breaker it is, that means it's still hot up to the break, so I'll be worried about a fire starting.
Maybe it will rain money overnight so I can hire an electrician. ...sigh

Update, 5 hours later: ...I asked, and Patty Lou said she would try to handle this electric problem, dealing with calls and arrangements. She can see that I'm at the freyed end of my rope and I need to just shut down for awhile. Drinking more used to be my solution. Now I just turn within myself, getting quiet, allowing no emotion, my self preservation mode. I feel I'm ripe for doing something dumb.

Stephanie

My pride on this July 4th

This turned out to be a great fourth. I found some pride in myself.

Patty Lou had planned all week to go with me to the bar tonight. She didn't know I was taking her to her favorite restaurant. So we eat, me way too much, (there goes the diet!) and we go to the bar for 2 hours. She had a coke, I had a beer, 1 beer. On the way home, I had to stop at a state police sobriety checkpoint. When the officer asked me if I had anything to drink tonight, I didn't lie, I told him one beer. "One?", he says, "at what time?" I tell him 9pm. (it was 11) He tells me to wait right there so he can check me. He came back with his little breathalyzer machine and had me blow into it. (Been there, done that about a dozen times) So I blow, it goes beep, he looks at it and tells me to get and be safe. I drive off with pride and a grin on my face.

Why pride? Because if it would have been about 2 1/2 years ago, I would have been way beyond drunk, and certainly full of an assortment of drugs. I would have been arrested for the 5th time for a dui. (driving under the influence) They would have searched the car, found a drug of some kind I'm sure, and I would have had troubles abundant. But 3 1/2 years ago, I started hormones. And maybe 8 months into that, I all but quit drinking and doing all those drugs. I attribute my success in that to calming the transsexual beast somewhat, so I didn't have to stay drunk and high all the time. I just didn't need it.

So when I tell you that my transition saved my life, it has. And even in more ways than this one.

Stephanie

What would you do?

Girls going for their SRS, dates set, and I can't move forward.
It's just all very depressing.
It's a very long way from Arkansas to Trinidad, Colorado, but I'd walk every step of the way if I could get my SRS when I got there. Hell, I'd even walk to Thailand if it were possible...
...and today is Independence Day. I'm suppose to be happy. Yeah America!

Stephanie

Pool

After 2 hrs. of cleaning the "pool", I dried off, and took two pics. This is the best.

It was, and I was, (and not in a good way!) just too hot to stay outside any longer.

What did we ever do without air-conditioning!!!

Stephanie

Another wonderful day in the neighborhood!

I had an easy night at work tonight. About half of the plant workers took a vacation day, so it wasn't very messy. On the contract issue, no word yet. ...I hate not knowing if I'll even have a job. I can't do anything but wait and see.

I stopped at the Sonic closest to us on the way home, one that has a lot of the local high school girls working there. Apparently my vehicle, a green GMC Jimmy with a rainbow licence plate on front, outed me. I guess the kids at school have gotten the word spread that that is what I drive. The car hop that waited on me was looking strangely at my Jimmy even before she could have ever seen me. I saw her talking to the crew inside, everyone all smiles looking in my direction. Then she brought out my order, and nearly ran back inside to giggle and point. I don't mind that, in fact, I like that I made people think about transsexuals. I presented myself well. I gave her a good tip. (I always do at Sonic, Patty Lou and the girls all worked at one.) I did nothing negative. If just one of them came away with a better feeling about trans people, I did good.

I got 2 1/2 hours of intense sunning today. Unfortunately, I was hanging onto a lawn mower. In my swimming suit top and short jean cut offs, I looked good doing it! Tomorrow, I'll lay by the "pool". Some of you have seen the "pool", most haven't. Maybe a pic, .....maybe!

Stephanie