Well, as the picture shows, I tried to "find" myself today. I didn't, it all felt so awkward. Every step of my make-up process felt like I was putting make-up on a face that it just didn't belong on. I can't understand why it felt like that. It used to feel soo right. I haven't tried being 'Stephanie' since the start of '10. I knew that the make-up wouldn't go on easy like it did when I wore it everyday. There were times when I was just a weekend girl that I would go for a few weeks without wearing it. It would take me extra time to get it right, or right in my eyes anyway. Today it never got to that point. I had hope that I wouldn't feel like a 'man in a dress' when I was done, but there it was, that feeling. I hate it. I never felt like that for all the years of being a weekend girl and then 3yrs of being full time. It's just since I fell into the depression and was put on lots of meds. I HAVE to get off of them! Somehow! I have to be the person I was. I wasn't a man, I wasn't a woman either, but I was closer to being a woman with feelings of being a woman than I am now. I do not like where I'm at.
I have an appointment with my new GP doctor Wednesday. This will start me on my medicaid card. since I have it I can afford to see a therapist. It's time.
Stephanie
4 comments:
Good luck Wednesday. You know where you want to be so go for it.
I know you will not believe it but if that is todays photo, you did a lot better than you think.
Caroline xxx
@ Caroline
That's today's photo. Patty Lou said it looked good too. Wish it did in my eyes.
Perhaps like me you need close up glasses!
Caroline XXX
I don't see any man, all I see is Stephanie! You have nothing to worry about sweetie! You look great!
Melissa XX
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