Confirmation...

Well, other than a Fri night of drinking, and a quick trip to Wal*Mart Sat, I've been holed up in this house my entire 4 days off. Thank gawd I go back to work tomorrow. That sounds a little twisted doesn't it, knowing that I have the lowly job of cleaning. There's no glamour at the bottom of the totem pole. Ah, but it is what sustains me, it confirms who I am. I am seen, I am real, I'm not just a thought in my mind. That's how I've felt all through these years, even my crossdressing years. Being seen made it real, I am what you see, or at least the image that I am trying to project is what I am. The showing of my panties in 3rd grade, the staying dressed long enough to get 'caught', the slut look I had going for so long, and now the 24/7, it's all been to be seen. You see me, therefor I am. ......I wonder, would SRS and becoming complete stop this need? Suppose I blended in so well that it couldn't be seen what my gender started out as. Would I still have that need to tell? I wonder.
.......I wonder about a lot of things, maybe I wonder too much.

Stephanie
...........Tomorrow is world aids day. I know some of you, as I am, are lucky to be alive. Visit your local aids hospice center.

"After...

...all the Jacks are in their boxes, and the clowns have all gone to bed, you can hear happiness staggering on down the street, foot prints dressed in red."

Well, Glenna's going back to Alabama to stay with my sister Joyce early in the morning. We never did get to party together. We had planned to go out tonight, (Sat) but both of us thought we'd go out "just for a little bit" Friday night and imbibed so much that neither of us wanted to try it again tonight. Damned alcohol. Someday I'll realize that even just a little, screws my life up every time. ...So the few hours that we spent together Thanksgiving day will have to do until I see her again. I hope I get that chance, she's walking around with an enlarged blood vessel in her brain, she told me she wished she never knew about. I understand how she feels, I hate waiting too.

I feel the holiday blues intruding into my world, my gray days, as I call them. .......'That's enough Stephanie.'
..........I'll write later

Stephanie

Surprize!

Well, my sister Joyce's email yesterday was lacking in one little piece of knowledge that she had. She knew that my little sister Glenna was in Hot Springs and was going to be seeing me this afternoon! (Sneaky Sisters!) I'm on cloud nine! She'll be here 'til Sunday, so we've made plans to go out Sat night. I'm going to party with my sister!!! OK, I'm a little giddy, a lot giddy! Unless you know how, like the generation of family before us, we barely hear from each other, let alone see each other, you really can't understand how this makes me feel. ...This is WAY COOL!
...Now, I want to point out something, for there is lesson that can be learned for all of us, me too, I'm paying attention. ...Those of you who follow my blog have seen me go from bitching about my daughters not showing up for Thanksgiving dinner, me all down and out, to me having one of the best Thanksgiving days ever, which really started with yesterday. Down and out to elation. That's how life works. So when someone tells you that things will get better, believe them, they will. ......WAY COOL! I'M PARTYING WITH MY SISTER!!!
(someone please tell me why I can't get a picture to load here! Arrrrgh) wait, I did it!
Stephanie

My sister Joyce...

I have been walking around today with the biggest grin on my face that's been there in quite awhile. I got an email from my sister, Joyce, that said she had read my blog here at Blogger. I sent her and my younger sister the address a few weeks back with a 'just in case you want to read it' thought in mind. I didn't think they would, since I had sent them my y360 addy when I first started writing, but I guess they never went there to read it. There is a lot of dribble there with a few meaningful blogs mixed in. I'm pretty sure they would have commented on some of it. ...Anyhow, today I know for sure. She made reference to the good Dr that felt me up, and along with some memories and talking about our mother, well, it just made my day, especially when the letter started off with,'Hi Sis'. Weather she believes in how I feel or not, her trying to understand me means the world to me. We were inseparable when we were growing up, since we had no neighbors, and like any brother, I protected her and she looked up to me. She ran amuck and got married at an early age (14), and I ran amuck with drugs and alcohol. Starting our own families, we drifted apart, our family not big on showing affection or keeping in touch. With her wanting to get to know me now as her sister, well, I'm sure you understand how that makes me feel.
...So, tomorrow the daughters, their husbands, and my grand kids won't be coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I'll be sad about that, but I'm also going to be thankful that I have a sister that loves me and who wants to know me better, as her sister. ..Love ya, sis
(I'm pretty sure Glenna, my other sister does too, I just haven't heard from her in awhile.)


Stephanie

"Sheeee's out!

I'd have to say that my first time out of the house as Stephanie, although I called myself Cindy then, was a little different than other girls. My mother took me to the community counseling center to see the psychiatrist. After being 'caught' for the umpteenth time, she decided that help was needed, for her or for me, I don't know which. Turned out, neither of us was helped much, and in fact, I was hurt, being felt up by the much too friendly dr. Two more trips there and I refused to go anymore. My mother never knew why. As you can imagine, I wasn't very enthused about going anyway, and only after my mother said that I could go 'dressed', and that I could drive, that was the clincher since I was just learning, I reluctantly went. In my sisters wrap skirt, my mothers sweater, padded way too big bra, and too much makeup, off I went, scared to death. I can only tell you that daddy met us there, other than that I don't know what kind of day it was, if my sisters went with, or anything that was said, other than the way the dr. touched me, I only remember one other thing. I had known my wife to be for two years already, we went with our fathers to the bowling ally on Monday nights, hanging out together from the day we met. After my hour of counseling was over, while the dr. was talking with my mother and father in the hallway, who do I see walking toward me? Patty Lou. OMG, OMG, OMG! Where is a sink hole when you need one! She was with her step father and mother who were divorcing, and they thought she needed counseling. With my head down and trying to be invisible, I'm heading for the door. We pass, she didn't look up, a big sigh of relief escapes from me. Then I see the two men talking politics, comparing bowling scores, telling stories about their crazy kids, who knows what they were doing, all I wanted was for this moment in hell to be over. It finally did pass, and years later when I asked Patty Lou if she had recognized me, she said no. Apparently, having to be there and having anyone she knew see her there, was so embarrassing to her that she retreated into her own little world of hell. Funny how the mind does that. ...Anyhow, after my mother, OH WOW!, my sisters were with us, hmmm ...Anyhow, after we left , we stopped at a shoe store to buy me a pair of girls shoes, sandals with a small heel, so that I didn't have to wear my boys tennis shoes the next time. Momma was already working me!
...So there you go, my first time out as a girl. My first time out by myself would come two years later, when I bought the first makeup of my very own.
....(Oh, BTW, Cindy was changed to April with the birth of my youngest daughter. It was April for about two years.)

Stephanie

Another sex blog...

A warning: This blog may take on an 'R' rating before it is finished. Proceed with caution.

I have had a love/hate thing going on with my penis all of my life. When your brain tells you that you are female, and pleasure is achieved through the thing that you despise the most about your body, it becomes such a huge problem in your life that you would do anything to erase that problem. When the effects of my abuse of drugs and alcohol stopped my ability to have conventional sex, I was somewhat pleased, but it seems the demon beast will not die a complete death and I am still able to achieve orgasm. However, as always, directly after the dirty deed is done, pleasure achieved, there is that overwhelming guilt that comes from the knowledge that I have used 'it' yet again to pleasure myself. You see my problem. Now, with this transition moving along, not that I foresee a time when I will ever become complete, but if I do I question. Assuming, which I understand is iffy, that orgasm can still be achieved after SRS, will I still have this feeling of guilt? I would hope not, but as with many things on that side of the fence that I do not know, I guess, as others have done, I will plow ahead and deal with the consequences. Could it be worse? Not any of this transition so far has been.

.......eh, maybe just a 'PG' rating. We all can use some parental guidance!
.......(this blog was written late, late, last night, after....)

Stephanie

Finally...

Well, it finally happened.






I knew it would.






I've been waiting for it.






It took two years.






There was something written on the men's bathroom wall.






Yep, there it was for all to read.
















"Stacy Kinny is a bitch!"

...Dang, I didn't even get an honorable mention!
I sure thought I'd be the first to be written about!

Stephanie

Black armband...

I was all set to blast the human race with tonight's blog, my faith in it was pretty dismal when I got home. Patty Lou calmed me down some, and then I read some inspiring blogs. I realized that you people who inspired me are part of this group, and I certainly didn't want to include you. So this will only be about the ones I saw at work tonight, a small piece of My world.
...I made myself a black armband today, cut it out of an old headband and sewed the ends together. I even gave thought to what I would say when I was asked why I was wearing it, something short, but to the point, let them get back to work. There were even more people working late than I had anticipated, maybe 40 or so. I was full of hope, I might make a tiny difference. ................Not one person asked .........no one....and in fact I would say they avoided me. Apparently, they are afraid of what a transgendered cleaning lady wearing a black armband will say if they ask her why she's wearing it. The answer could, well, God only knows what she'll say. .....I was hurt, mad, maybe I expected too much. After grumbling about it at Patty Lou when I got home, she put it in perspective for me, "Oh well, you know why you wore it, that's all that counts." .........and it is.

Stephanie

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Since I only know of one other transsexual in Hot Springs, there will be no gathering for the TDOR here. And since the only place that I'll be going tomorrow will be to work, where everyone knows that I'm a transsexual, I've decided that I will be wearing a black arm band. That way when people ask me what it is for I can tell them about the many who have given their life, either by the hand of someone else or their own. There may be a mention of this day on the local news, maybe not, but seeing me and talking to me will be of much greater impact to the ones that know me. There are about 300 people in this plant, and maybe 20 that I will interact with, I hope the word spreads, but at least I will feel that I have contributed my small part in this special day.

Stephanie

Add, a pinch of joy...

In this recipe for this transgendered life of mine, most of the ingredients are the same basic things found in everyone's life. I work, I play, I sleep and do it again the next day. The flour of the cake, so to speak. Mixed in with that flour there are good, sweet, and bad, bitter, ingredients. Bitter, like in last nights post, when the feeling of being all alone becomes, what seems like at the time, too much to bear. And sweet, when I heard my daughter on the phone yesterday include me as, 'one of the cleaning ladies', the first time I ever heard her do that. This good and bad is what makes this cake of life, and all I need to do is to add some frosting to it, maybe decorate it somewhat. Plain cake is alright, but frosted and decorated will make it taste sooo much better.

Stephanie

Isolated...

I'm all alone, by myself, just me and no one else. How I felt in my teens, is still how I feel to this day. Living in the middle of nowhere, there is no one to cry to, no one to that understands, no one like me. The world is passing me by. People protesting, groups, gatherings, people with causes, all of one mind, one heart. I'm so far away, removed, alone. My friend, my comfort? This keyboard. I need more, a hug, a smile, the sound of laughter.
...For those of you who have someone to transition with, listen to them, embrace them, hold their hand. They need you and you need them. Cherish their friendship. It's no fun being all alone.

Stephanie

Thomas Beatie...

I watched the Barbara Walters interview with Thomas Beatie and family tonight. In it, I didn't find anything that I didn't already know. I've read that in some transgendered circles that they are upset saying that this 'coming out', so to speak, will set back the gay and transsexual cause, I guess meaning that it will slow it down. And I feel it may, somewhat, however over the course of our cause, to be able to live without ridicule, I think it is a good thing. After all, if the slaves didn't come out of the fields, if the gays didn't come out of the closet, if no transsexual was visible, not any of these 'causes' would be as liberated as they are today. I was one who always wanted to be seen, a rock the boat type of person. Granted, it was my need only, I didn't have an agenda. But by me, and many others being visible in the early years of our cause, I think and hope that in some small way we made it easier for the next generation to be themselves. We still have a long way to go, but if the boat doesn't rock, no one listens to the cries for help.
...This is just my opinion, your free to agree or disagree. That's the great thing about America.

Stephanie

Search...

In the past 3yrs that I've been on the Internet, ..ya, I was slow to get here, every now and then I try to find what opened my eyes to my GID. ...Let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on way back when. ...(sorry, I just had to do that!) I was 16, sitting in study hall, thumbing through either a Life, or Look magazine, sometime around a '65 edition. Our school library had a large collection of them so the date may be wrong. I wasn't really paying any attention to it, I was just killing time, when what jumps out at me? An article about two transgendered women that had already went through their SRS. ...HOLY CRAP!!! I had already seen the 'shrink' 4 times when I was 14, and he never said a word that it was even possible to do that. (After he fondled me, I refused to see him or anyone else) The story told of how they felt different all their life, the wearing of female clothing, you know, our stories, my story. After reading it, I knew what I was, who I was. To say it changed my life is an understatement. Living with that knowledge turned out to be, well, my difficult life. And now, 38 years later in my quest to understand myself better, I want to read this article again. You have to understand your past if you want to have a good future. So, I'm searching. If anyone knows of this story, I would like to know the mag. and edition, it seems to hold a great importance to me. Thanks

Stephanie

What's in a name...

So, as you can see, I've started using my real last name. I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, I like that I am if only because I know of no one else with this last name. I'm proud of the name. I'm the last, there'll be no more. My wife is through with that phase in her life, and I don't think I'll be getting pregnant anytime soon! ...But then, using this name, reminds me of all of the hurt I felt because my name WAS different. I wasn't a Smith or a Jones or Bates. (There were a lot of Bates in my school) My name was different. I was different. I was treated different than the rest of 'the boys'. I didn't know why, I just was. And I wasn't proud of my family either. We kept to ourselves. My grandfather was so hot headed (German) that he would fight with everyone. If something didn't go his way, he'd go off. It embarrassed me. My father? Well, he was non existent. He was there, but never said a thing until he was mad. Then whack, on the side of my head. Bad thoughts come to mind seeing my last name. ...But then there is my marriage license, and Patty Lou. We will be together forever, and I know she wants me to keep my last name. She's actually hasn't said one way or the other about me maybe changing my first name, but I think I seen an 'uh oh' on her face when I mentioned it. So that's still a question. I really didn't think nothing about my last name until I saw that that was how my niece had me listed when she emailed me. It struck me funny seeing it, don't know why.
So, mixed emotions. Maybe I should go with only one name, like Cher, or Madonna. After all, 'Just Stephanie' is what I'd tell people when they wanted to know my last name at the bar. They always thought I was a drag queen, and they have last names. Nope, I just dressed like one back then!
Ok, maybe some more thought on this later. I'm noddin' out!

Stephanie

Thanksgiving

So, Thankgiving isn't going to be what I had invisioned, it will still be a good one. I'm going to see that it is. I don't know exactly what we'll do, but maybe it's time we were by ourselves. We never have been. I just hope Patty Lou doesn't make a 20 pound turkey and expect me to eat it! Actually, I'd like to volunteer in a kitchen somewhere. I'll see what she thinks about that. For now, it's time to sleep...

Stephanie

"Looks like it's me and you, Babe"

That's what Patty Lou's first words were when she got home from work today. Meaning that now neither daughter is coming for Thanksgiving dinner. Yep, even the one I work with has let her husband come up with an excuse to not be here. So, I'm good enough to work for him but he won't sit down and eat with me. If I didn't need this job I'd tell everyone where to go. They know how important this holiday is for Patty Lou, but they can't see past me. Needless for me to say, I'm in a real bad way right now. My whole world has bailed on me and it's taking Patty Lou down with me. I can live with it, but the thought of my wife hurting because of me is just too much. She says it's alright, but I know better, she's hurting. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to my old life, I just can't. I want to run, I don't know where, I want to hide, the bottle is calling me. I don't dare answer, I may never return. How can family be so hard when the rest of the world is so easy? I thank God for Patty Lou, I thank God for Patty Lou....

I hate me, and I hate writing this. Sorry...

Stephanie

Patty Lou the psychic!

Today was the first of my two days off, my plans of .......doing nothing came through without a hitch. The only thing I did was remove all the old makeup, (I don't take off the eye makeup during the week) take an hour long bubble bath, shave my legs, wash my hair, and soak. An aromatic candle, some classic rock music, and ...Ahhhhhhh! Wonderfull! So when Patty Lou came home with Subway sandwiches my plan of doing nothing was still intact. We eat, then she looks at me, (I knew what was coming!) and she asks. "Do you want to do our shopping today instead of tomorrow?" I look at her and say, "I really don't want to put on makeup today. I need a day with it off." I get that 'I told ya so' look, a snicker, and nothing more was said. She knew I'd remember telling her years ago that I'd never get tired of wearing makeup, or a bra too, if I was ever able to do it full time. "Oh yes you will," she laughed. And now her prophecy has come true. ....Jees, don't ya just hate it when that happens?!!

Stephanie

The final straw...

All of my youngest daughters life she has been causing pain in mine and my wife's life. In a way I have come to expect it. Yesterday was yet another time. (See previous blog) I'm sure she will again, but I'm going to attempt to limit the amount of times this happens. No more phone calls, emails, no communication. I'm not going to let her feed me her laughing voice, lulling me into thinking that everything is alright with us, and then stabbing me in the back again. Transition, for me, has been all about self preservation. Simply put, I was very close to not being in this world before I went full time. And although they say you can't die from a broken heart, it certainly drains the life out of you. No more...

.....Cynthia, someday when you read this I hope you understand, your decisions you make cause pain. The influence your prejudiced husband has on you causes pain. I am sorry it came to this.

Stephanie

A falling meteorite hurts...

I know by now to always stay on my guard, and I do try. Always looking behind me, to the left, to the right. Keep focused, something can jump out and get me. That meteorite can smash me flat. Above all else, I can't allow myself to get blinded by the elation of something good, eyes open. Watch out!

...but I did it anyway. I let myself get caught up in the good feeling of yesterdays election and a better government to come, and I let my heart get smashed today by my youngest daughter. I didn't keep my eyes open. She told her mother that she wouldn't be coming from Florida for Thanksgiving, said it was too hard to travel the 600 miles, stay two days, and then go back. She's done it five years previously, with me even going back to boy mode last year to please her. I made it clear that this year I wasn't doing that. So, it's all on me, I'm too repulsive to be looked at. Patty Lou is hurt, my fault, again. It's always my fault. All I want is to be happy with my body, something I know will never happen. The heartaches in life will keep that from ever happening. ...Although it won't be rushed my me, I won't be sorry when death comes. I only pray that my gender problems don't follow me into my next life.

Stephanie
p.s. ...I've read some of your posts tonight, everything is making me cry. I'll comment tomorrow...

Changing times...

In 1966, in Helena, Ark., my grandfathers helper, Sterling Samuels, a black man, sat down in the dining room with my father, grandfather, and me to eat. A woman started screaming the 'n' word and caused so much stink that the sheriff was called. My grandfather argued with both the woman and the sheriff for quite some time with Sterling continuously saying he would eat in the kitchen. Finally, Sterling just went to the kitchen, with me following. He was my friend, I wanted to eat with my friend. We get to the kitchen and what! The cooks are all 50yr old black women. I can guarantee that we ate better than anyone in that restaurant that day, and I wouldn't have wanted to eat what that screaming woman ate!

... It's been a long time since I've said this, I am so proud of this country today. Granted, the black vote was strong, but there are many white people who have overcome their prejudice and voted for Senator/President Obama. I am however disturbed that there weren't more from the southern states. Prejudice still thrives here, including, I'm sorry to say, some in my family. I despise anyone that thinks they are better than someone else.

Tomorrow, I will try to see my friend Sterling. He's out of the construction business and is a Church of Christ preacher. I feel a need to shake his hand.

Stephanie

The going's on...

Do ya know what? Me neither ....but five days without writing something and I feel that I have to sneak in the back door and at least say hello. ...Let's see ...I went to the "every boy who ever wanted to wear a dress party" at the local gay bar Friday. Most of the new girls looked just, well, a mess. There were a few who looked like they could live the rest of their life as female, (I'm so envious!) looks, body movements, demeanor, everything as if they were female all their life. One especially caught my eye, I have a thing for pretty crossdressers, (another story) and she was just beautiful. Anyway ..I'd never seen her before, she was walking around from table to table as though she were lost, so I thought I'd be the one to try and make her feel welcome. (and maybe!) I go over to her, and try and talk to her. She's deaf. This has happened at least a half a dozen times before and each time I get so mad at myself for not taking the time to learn at least enough sign language so I can communicate, well, it just pisses me off. I swear I am going to do this, no more putting it off! Anyway ..we text'd each other, I'm not very good at it, and did get to meet each other. She's straight and didn't want to, ahem! ...so we danced, hugged, and parted. She said she'd come back sometime, but I doubt I'll ever see her again. Halloween, and a lot of alcohol, makes people brave.
Saturday there was a benefit show for the Gay Pride festivities next June, so me and Patty Lou went to that. Everyone was partied out from the night before, so it was a little boring. We gave our money and went home early. A good thing that we did, 'cause I didn't sleep well, even with the extra hour, and had to work yesterday. This 'ol girl can't party like she used to! I was dragging all day. Ten hours of sleep helped for today's meeting of the world!
Today is my usual 'tweez the hairs day', an hour of pulling what pops out on my face. I don't shave, (a very un-feminine necessary) on Sunday since there is no one at work to see me anyway. Not that you can see anything, but I know they are there. The tweezing keeps the more aggressive ones at bay for a week, so with light shaving I'm smooth for the week. Hormones have helped this a lot.
So, in everything else, this girls life is going surprisingly, scarily, great. I don't think near as much as I used to about that meteorite smashing me!

Stephanie