Thursday, July 29, 2010

The different faces of hell.

December 4th, '09 was my last post I wrote. I stopped writing because I didn't want the depression that I was feeling to turn this blog into a boo who, woe is me type of think. At the time my feeling down was just that. Feeling a little down, sad all the time. I found out I knew nothing about depression. As the days turned into weeks, weeks turning into months, my depression became so severe that it took over my life. I sat most of the time with eyes closed, quiet trying to block out any kind of stimulation that was going on around me. My nervous system was at its peek. Other than seeing my doctor, I was housebound going nowhere. In the next 6 months I went through 3 different doctors and 3 assortments of medications. Nothing was helping me. More than once during this time I pleaded to my wife to let me go and end my life so I could end the torment I was going through. Of course she would see none of that. Finally I was passed off to a doctor that knew what she was doing and put me on meds that helped me to regain some sanity. I'm still not working, but I am able to take care of the house , go shopping, doing everyday things. But this sanity came with a big price. When I started on the first round of medications, 'Stephanie' got lost somewhere. The meds did it, the depression did it, I don't know which, but that feeling of being female is not as strong as it was. I still cringe when I see myself in the mirror. When I see other females I still long to be one. It's just a different type of feeling. I don't like it, but I don't know how to get back to where I was. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to stop my meds and that I'll be back the way I was. I understand now how having to go back to being male causes some to take their life. It is much harder going back than it ever was going forward.

I won't be posting much, my days are all the same. I have started reading your blogs again. Sometimes that is hard to do. Thanks for listening to me.