Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Just So You Know

So today I finally got up on the roof and fixed the leak that had appeared between the add on part of my house and the main part. It's only been leaking for about 10 months, but since I'm on all kinds of drugs to control my depression, I haven't wanted to get up there for fear of falling off. I've gotten used to them so I went up there and fixed it. No problems.
But.....Isn't there always a but!
My carports were in need of being swept off so I crossed over the peek of the house with the broom in my hand. I was struggling to maintain my balance by the time I got to the bottom of the house part and needed to put my left foot down to keep upright. The problem is when I did this I put it right through the fiberglass panels of my skylight and went crashing down through to the ground below, about a 12' drop. OUCH!...I landed on an ice chest with my left shoulder, which is skinned raw and hurts like hell. After that I bounced off the chest and landed on the back of my head. (good thing it's hard!) Patty Lou came around from the side of the house, saw me laying there and thought I was dead! Not quite, but OUCH again! It doesn't help either that I've gained almost 40 pounds since I've been on these drugs.
So, just so you know, transsexuals may be a bit different from your "normal" run of the mill people, but we can't fly and we still bounce the same as everyone else!
Just so you know!


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hirayama Disease

Over the past 15 or so years, my hands have become weaker and weaker. The sensitivity in my fingers has deteriorated until simple things like opening and closing resealable bags, holding on to a pencil, toilet paper, has become harder and harder to accomplish. The use of hand tools and picking up and holding on to heavy things is getting to nearly impossible to do. Each time I would bring this up to my many doctors that I have seen, they would say that it was arthritis and prescribe an over the counter drug of some kind.
I now have the best doctor that anyone could ever have. Not only does she listen to what you are telling her, she is not afraid to order tests to find the cause of your problems. She is the one that brought me out of my severe depression when two other doctors couldn't. She has also prescribed my hormones when no one else would, understanding my need for them. She's been great!
About my hands , she had me first go to the hospital here in Hot Springs to get an EMG (electromyography/nerve conduction study) where they put electrodes on your fingers and then zap your nerves in your arms with electricity to see how much damage has been done. Then after the zapping, they stick a needle in your muscles and record the electrical impulses in them. (You really, REALLY! don't want to have one of these done!) It takes about two hours to get to ALL the places they do. OUCH!
When the results came back, like she thought, my problems would gradually get worse over the years. Not being content to just give up, she sent me to the University of Arkansas Medical Center to have a more intense test done along with an MRI to see if anything could be done to help me. I was zapped from head to toe, stuck from head to toe again, and then taken to get the MRI. That didn't work out so good, seems I'm very much claustrophobic! In fifteen seconds I was screaming to get me out of that blasted machine! So now I've been prescribed a super strong Valium to take when I get my next appointment. It better knock me out or I'll come apart again!
So, they've diagnosed me with having Hirayama's disease. Supposedly they can tell for sure after they do the MRI on my neck. It will be nice to finally know for sure what's wrong.
Anyway, that's what's been happening to me the past month. I have yet to put on my make-up or clothes to go back to being Stephanie. Maybe soon. Maybe not.....


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Is it over?

During my 30+ years of being a weekend girl I could always see the potential of what I could be if I only did a little "fixing" of my looks. Nothing major, just a few tweaks. When I went full time living female for 3 years I felt that I still had time to look like what I could only say as more feminine. I still saw the potential there. Now that I've gone back to living as a male for the last 9 months all I've seen is this ugly, old face staring at me in the mirror. I can not see any potential of anything even remotely feminine looking back at me. I don't know why, I used to see it even when I didn't have my make-up on. But it's gone. I desperately want to get back to being myself, Stephanie, because I know that I will never be happy again unless I return to presenting as female. It is not like I'll ever be able to be complete, but that's alright, I just need people to see me as female. It confirms what is in my head. My brain is female.
Now you would think that someone who always lived by the rule of "just do it" would be able to sit down at the mirror, put on their make-up, change clothes into something more feminine, and see how they feel about themselves. It's not that easy. I have a fear of the what if. What if I do that and then I see looking back at me the face of a man wearing make-up? The "man in a dress" thing. Seeing that will mean the end of "Stephanie". I don't think I could survive that, so maybe it is better if I don't even try. But still my GID remains. I feel like I've turned down a one way street that has a sign saying "dead end". What to do, What to do?