Sunday, September 26, 2010

An attempt to write

Here it is 12:30am and even after taking my sleep meds 2 hours ago I'm still awake. I'm back to sleeping only 3 or 4 hours a night again. But if they up my meds I'll have a pill hangover in the mornings that I don't like, so, what's a girl to do.

Yesterday (Sat) was Patty Lou's birthday. Her friends from work took her out to eat lunch and then me and her went to her favorite place for dinner. We went there a lot when I was "full time" and the wait staff only knew me as Stephanie. I kept praying that nobody that knew me would see me in my drab self but of course that didn't work out. It went fine 'til we were ready to leave and then a waitress came up behind me and said "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile." I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. This back to drab presentation is so hard to do. And really the only thing that is keeping me from being full time again is my hair. During my severe depression last winter my hair became even thinner than it was. Now I absolutely have to wear a wig. I hate that. And yes I know there are many women that have to wear wigs, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them. It is just getting my mind to accept that realization that's holding me back. Both my dr. and Patty Lou are encouraging me to do so, so I'm going to try and get back to "normal" soon. I'd better. This de-transitioning thing is not going to work for me. I see that. After 3yrs. of being full time you can't go back. Your a changed person. The cork is off the bottle.