Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"There's something about Stephanie"

Seems I been called everything but a white woman over on Elizabeth's, Notes from the T-side. It really means nothing to me, the name calling. It shows how petty she and a few others are sitting on top of their pedestal. She and her small group of 'true women' resort to name calling just as children on a playground do. Disagree with her and she'll call you names too!

So hurry over and get your chance to enlighten the 'women' and get your share of abuse! Then comment about the 'true girls' on your own blog. Spread the insanity!

(I'm sure I'll catch hell about this too!)


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Original Blog

Thanks to Calie, I now have my original blog, "Stephanie ...The Prequel" back. Take a look.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

An old new blog

I've had to start over on a blog I had a few years ago. When I suffered my severe bout of depression I deleted it and can't find it again. (Thanks Calie for trying to help)

It's name is, 'The Prequel', about my early memories of feeling different and then finally realizing I am transsexual. I started it today and will try to post regularly.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Ho hum humdrum

I have a deep sense of remorse for not writing in this blog like I did before the big depression set in. I would write nearly everyday, mundane things mostly, (like this!) observations at best. When the depression finally lifted I got back on here and tried to write but the words just don't come as they did. Even now after a year of being "better" I still find it hard to find anything that needs to be said here. I've become a housewife who only ventures outside the house on Friday to get groceries or go to the many doctor visits that I have. I'm back to being "full time" but that doesn't mean what it did when I was working. My full time then meant make-up all the time, interacting with hundreds of people, and generally having a bounce in my step and a happy face on my face. Now it's a once a week trip to town. At home, I just don't see a point in sitting here in full face for no reason. Other housewives don't, why should I? I know I should get out more but the trip to town is a 45min. journey and dealing with the only decent car we have means getting up at 5:30am and taking my wife to work, and well, I am NOT a morning person! (excuses) We are slowly getting our bills paid off so we can sell our place and move to town, maybe next spring. My health isn't going to ever be good enough to hold down a job again but maybe a volunteer job would get me out and about. I need that inter-action.

Well, this writing (if you can call it that) just seems too mundane (as I said) to be anything I'd like to post but I have to put something here.

Life IS good!


Ps: I'm on Facebook a lot now. I don't have to hold a thought as long there! lol
Pss: A very few of you might remember a second blog I had here, Stephanie...the Prequel. I stupidly deleted it (about 18 months ago) and now would like to know if and how I can get it back. Probably not, huh! dumb

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Steppenwolf Lyrics

Taken from the song Monster/Suicide/America

"...The spirit was freedom and justice
And it's keepers seem generous and kind
It's leaders were suppose to serve the country
But now they won't pay it no mind
'Cause the people grew fat and lazy
And now their vote is a meaningless joke
They babble about law and order
But it's all just an echo of what they've been told
Yeah, there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sits there watchin'

Our cities have turned into jungles
And corruption is strangling the land
The police force is watchin' the people
And the people just can't understand
We don't know how to mind our own business
'Cause the whole world has to be just like us
Now we are fighting a war over there
No matter who's the winner
We can't pay the cost
'Cause there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sit's there watchin'

America where are you now?
Don't you care about your sons and daughters?
Don't you know we need you now?
We can't fight alone against the monster

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Taking the T out of GLBT

A good idea or bad?

There are a lot of T's out there ready to break away from the gay community. They want the T to stand alone since it is about gender and not about sexual preference. I understand their position.
Both transsexuals and gay people start off in the closet trying to keep everyone from finding out that they are people with a secret. Most gay people try to keep their sexual preference hidden, transsexuals their belief that they are of the wrong body. Most will have a "coming out" experience at some point in their life with similar reactions to their secret. The difference is that when gay people come out they stay out. The "cure" for them is the coming out, the not hiding any more. A transsexuals coming out is just a starting point for finding that balance between body and mind. And, if they are lucky enough to have the financial means, family support, and courage to reach the end of their journey, then some return to a stealth mode where no one knows their past history. They go back into the closet, so to speak. I understand their reasoning, I really do. But until the ranks of transsexuals who stand up with pride and let their stories be told publicly becomes larger, transsexuals better stay connected to the GLB. There simply are not enough transsexuals willing to be put into the spotlight to make their cause effective.

Just my opinion...........


Saturday, August 6, 2011

If us adults can't play nice together, then how do we expect our children to play nice?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

What could go wrong?

Not all transitions go as planned, not that I really had a plan, I live day to day. So on January 3rd, 2006 when I took my first hormone pill, I thought to myself,"let's see what happens". I knew I was transsexual all my life so this finally felt like I was doing something about this situation. Six months into HRT I was a much happier person. That gnawing in me that kept telling me I was female abated somewhat but was still there. My only plan at that time was to keep working as a man (welder) and only tell people I trusted that I was on hormones. Well, you know how that goes sometimes. Tell one and it spreads like wildfire. On the start of my eighth month on HRT I was fired. I was good at what I did but my trans status wasn't accepted. They knew about my cross-dressing but couldn't handle hearing that I was transsexual. I tried to move on looking for work. After two months of being unemployed my daughter who owned a very small janitorial service (four of us) said I could come work for her. I went to work at a airplane parts manufacturing plant. I presented male for about a month until I decided to wear "just a little" make-up. Nobody called me out on it so little by little it got heavier. Earrings, bra, and female clothes were next. Most of the men in the plant didn't talk to me, some snide remarks were heard, but the women were very welcoming. Of course they asked the usual questions. Why? Are you going all the way? Are you gay?What does your wife think about it? I'd give them the "transsexual 101" lesson and tried to educate them as best I could. A lot of us became work friends and a few became close work friends. It wasn't all roses in the workplace though. There were people in upper management who were not liking my being there but I believe they thought they couldn't discriminate against me so they let me be until it was time for my daughter to renew the cleaning contract. They took the bid but made sure another cleaning company got the contract.

July 28th 2009 at 5:30am my wife fell off the steps leading into our house and broke her ankle which would take 7 months to heal. On the same day I found out that in a month I'd be out of work. Talk about a bad day! Phew

The next six months I spent taking care of my wife and looking for work. "Stephanie" couldn't find work. We lived on $140 dollars a week of unemployment benefits, first mine then hers, and food stamps. By the time she healed enough to go back to work, my nervous system was going haywire. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, but apparently the wrong ones. My depression had me at the door of suicide. If my wife wouldn't have taken the bullets from my gun I would not be here. I sat in my recliner with a blanket pulled up to my chin. Six months later and finally getting the right drugs my depression subsided but "Stephanie" had not been seen in over 8 months. I just did not feel the same as I did before all this happened. It may be the depression or it may be the drugs that have kept me from finding her all this time, but ever so slowly I'm getting back to being myself again.

I have a therapist appointment on Aug. 10th and plan on going as my true self for the first time since all this happened. It's going to be hard to do, but it's time. It certainly won't be as hard as the last two years.

This is just my story, your transition my be smooth sailing throughout. I just want transitioning girls to see that even a flawless transition can abruptly change.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Re: Trans on Trans Bickering

To the moderators of T-Central

When I was asked to vote on what to do with unruly bloggers, I wondered why I couldn't be the one to censor those blogs.

After the latest round of BS that I've read these last few days I've changed my mind. (A girl has that right to do that, doesn't she?lol)

I'm one to give everyone a second, third, even a fourth chance to control their belligerent attacks aimed at others here at T-Central. But it seems I've run out of patience and they've run out of chances.

Since they can't become civilized, respectful people, KICK THEIR BUTT TO THE CURB!


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Yo, T-Central Poll

Why can't you leave the site as is and let me do my own censoring?


Saturday, May 14, 2011


I had my monthly therapy session yesterday. This was the second one with the same therapist. Once I feel I know ya, it doesn't take much for me to get to talking about things in my past so I opened up and saw an hour go by at record speed. I'm not sure how much my 30 something year old therapist knows about transsexualism but she knows a lot more now than she used to. If I keep seeing her she'll be an expert soon!!!


Friday, April 15, 2011

Just a Note

Ok, So I went to see the therapist today. It was only just a "get to know you visit". We talked mostly about my trip through depression and only touched on me being transsexual a little bit. Enough though that I now have another appointment with the same girl and then one with a psychologist. Since I don't have much faith in therapists of any kind, I'll just follow this along and see where it goes. After all, a little therapy can't hurt......


Saturday, April 9, 2011


Can you come out of the closet twice?

Thursday, April 7, 2011


This is just a follow-up on my last post. I had promised that I'd get my appointment to see a therapist, and I went through with it. I see her on the 15th. I just hope this therapist has some knowledge about transsexuals. I usually find myself being the one to teach them the basics and then get annoyed that they don't know as much as me and I stop seeing them. This should be about the tenth one I've seen. Out of those, one was good. We'll see how this goes.

And... I have a bone density test Tuesday so the doc can better understand what's going on with my back pain. It's a disc but I'll humor them along until they come to that conclusion on their own. Besides, I've lost over 2 inches in height somewhere so maybe that will help find out where it went.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm still standing

I haven't written anything since the end of Feb. Writing seems so hard these days. Since I'm a stay at home housewife there isn't much to write about. Add to that the hand full of depression drugs I'm on causing my mind to be a big mushy blob and, well, you get the drift.
Since I wrote last, I've had a follow-up Drs. appointment. All my tests came back alright. Liver, kidneys, heart, cholesterol, everything is running in the normal range. Funny, I don't feel normal. I still haven't made an appointment with therapist yet. I've been putting it off, procrastinating. (I'm real good at that.) This week I'll get one.(I promise!) I've been having problems with my back again. I may have a blown disc, or at least a bulging one. The Dr. put me on a muscle relaxant which means I'm even more zonked than I was. He said we'd go from there then do tests if it didn't do any good. I also went back to sleeping in my bed instead of on the couch. I've been on the couch since the first signs of depression setting in. I didn't want to be in my bedroom because it's an ultra-feminine room with pink everywhere. I just didn't feel "pink" then.
Let's see. We got a different car, one that I feel safe being in. The old Jimmy's front end was about to drop out of it. We still have it but it stays parked. Now it's an emergency car. Living out in the country, you have to keep a spare for those "just in case" times.
And. Somehow we turned our 30 pound lap dog into a 50 pound "mash your lap" dog. He needs a diet just like I do!
Over on Facebook I've connected with some friends from 'way back in the day', school friends. It's good to see that they made it through their crazy, "party 'till you drop" days. Some didn't.
Patty Lou's doing great. She has a page over on Facebook too. Drop by and say Hi.

That's it for now.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Paging Doctor Atta

Since Dr. Atta is the only doctor I could find locally that had an opening for my medicaid, I went to see him today so I could get my prescriptions re-new'd. Actually, I didn't see him. I saw the nurse practitioner Cindy. Everyone gets to see her the first visit so she can get all the paperwork taken care of, medical transcripts forwarded to her from my last clinic, and as much medical information I could give her about me. I made it easy on my "coming out" to her by not wearing a baggy shirt. The girls were right out there! So when she saw I was on hormones and she asked why, telling her I was transgender sort of had an attached addendum that came with it. Boobs! She never missed a beat though. She asked the right questions. Am I going to have surgery, (I would if I could) was I on hormones just for the feminizing effect? (yes) When she went to put my status into the computer, (all electronic records) strangely there wasn't a transgender or transsexual category in the system. She asked me what else it might be under so I told her it was a Gender Identity Disorder. Yep, there it is. It's strange how I have been educating medical professionals about GID throughout the years. I asked if I could up my hormones since I'm on a low dose (2mgs Estrodiol, 50 spiro) and they're going to get back to me after they do some research. I was given a referral to a therapist so as soon as I can get an appointment I'll have my head shrunk. WooPee!

So, it was a prosperous day.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Searching in the Lost and Found

Well, as the picture shows, I tried to "find" myself today. I didn't, it all felt so awkward. Every step of my make-up process felt like I was putting make-up on a face that it just didn't belong on. I can't understand why it felt like that. It used to feel soo right. I haven't tried being 'Stephanie' since the start of '10. I knew that the make-up wouldn't go on easy like it did when I wore it everyday. There were times when I was just a weekend girl that I would go for a few weeks without wearing it. It would take me extra time to get it right, or right in my eyes anyway. Today it never got to that point. I had hope that I wouldn't feel like a 'man in a dress' when I was done, but there it was, that feeling. I hate it. I never felt like that for all the years of being a weekend girl and then 3yrs of being full time. It's just since I fell into the depression and was put on lots of meds. I HAVE to get off of them! Somehow! I have to be the person I was. I wasn't a man, I wasn't a woman either, but I was closer to being a woman with feelings of being a woman than I am now. I do not like where I'm at.

I have an appointment with my new GP doctor Wednesday. This will start me on my medicaid card. since I have it I can afford to see a therapist. It's time.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I really should write something here. After all, what is a blog without written words? The words in my head just won't blend in harmony. They're just a jumbled mess of quick thoughts. It's probably the meds.

My GID is keeping my brain occupied all the time. Since I can't work anymore, I have too much time to think about it. I need a hobby.

I want to see if it would help if I did my make-up, put on a bra and wig, and ......that's just it. Sit here? I don't see the point of it. Plus, I remember how I felt when I took it all off before '06 when I was a weekend girl. One of the reasons I went full time was to avoid that dual life. Now, me having to wear the wig will necessitate that. Girl on, boy off. If I could just work that out in my head I'd feel much better. Well, maybe. Now if I could get up the gumption to do it.

OK, so I've written something. Gibberish....


Monday, February 7, 2011

Public Service Announcement

You can also find me on Facebook now.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Snowing, Again!

Well, wouldn't you know it? Friday is the only day I leave the house and I get up to find snow piling up. We're suppose to get about 3 inches, not a whole lot, but enough to stop me from making a 25 mile trip to town. Today was my doctors appointment. That's been canceled and re-scheduled for the 23rd. Maybe it will be a nice day then. We've had more than our fair share of snow this year.


Saturday, January 22, 2011

My health care system

According to the state of Arkansas it's official. I'm disabled. When I found out that my problems with my hands wasn't treatable (severe lose of grip) I filed paperwork for disability. About 4 months later it has been approved. Along with a small check every month, I've been put on medicaid to cover my health bills. Since I'm on medicaid I had to find a new doctor/clinic because the free clinic I went to won't see you if you are on any type of insurance including medicaid. I really hate having to leave from there, it has been the best care I've ever had. Our health system should take note of these clinics and integrate the good they do for so little money.

So I get this list of doctors (about 100) from the Department of Human Services, a list of doctors who will take medicaid as payment, and I start calling to see if there are any slots they have available. One doctor will see me. One!!!, and he ONLY accepts medicaid patients. I'm wondering how good of a doctor he is. Medicaid is notorious for paying less for services than most doctors charge. Why would this doctor only take medicaid patients when he could make more money seeing insurance and cash paying patients also? I guess I'll find out Feb.4th when I see him to get my med prescriptions renewed.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Fool

Don't ya just hate it when you've been reading someone's blog for a long time and it dawns on you that who and what you've been reading about is all FAKE! I've been fooled for almost two years now, and I bet you have been too. Don't ask me who, I won't tell.

It makes me feel soooo stupid!


Saturday, January 15, 2011


Wednesday was Patty Lou's clinic appointment. She has one about every three months for a check-up and to get her prescriptions renewed. Since we still had ice and snow on the roadways, I drove her to work and picked her up for her after work appointment. I knew it would take awhile so I sat in the car waiting for her. I'd rather be there than in the noisy clinic.

The clinic sits on property that had two beautiful old homes on it. Probably built in the early 1900's, you could tell that someone with money had them built by the style they were built in. They were huge, and all you had to do was walk in the door and see the grandiose staircase's leading to the second floors and you knew that someone of class lived there when built. Although they had been vacant for many years, it was a shame that they were destroyed in the early '70's for the clinic to be built.

The parking lot for the clinic had two houses that were torn down for it to be made also. One was a duplex, the other was a single family home. They were not like the other two. They were just plain homes, homes built about the same time but built for someone on a workman's wage. Functional.

I sat in the parking lot remembering days long past. The neighborhood kids and I searching through the rooms of the big houses. Skateboarding on the sidewalks, playing baseball on the too crowded narrow street. I remember this because the sign for the clinic shows the address being "133 Arbor St." When I was 11 years old (1965) I lived at 137 Arbor St., the address of one of the houses. When I was 12 years old (1966) I lived at 133 Arbor St. The address of the other torn down. I never got to live in one of the big houses.

Oh. And I also remembered putting on an old ball type gown (black and shimmery gold) I had found in one of the big houses and showing the neighborhood kids.

Those were the days....


Monday, January 10, 2011

Snow #2

Here's my winter wonderland. The weatherman said we would get four inches but we have 6 inches this morning. Par for the weather man.

Please overlook the junk car. Of course it's mandatory that every house in Arkansas has to have at least one in the yard!


Sunday, January 9, 2011


The news here is that it has started snowing. I know, it's not much news for you who have already been shoveling snow, but we only get measurable amounts maybe once each winter and then only an inch or two. We're suppose to get about four inches between now and Monday morning. Patty Lou is just a big kid at heart so she's all giggly thinking she won't have to work tomorrow. Just a little snow shuts down everything around here. Me, I could care less on whether it snows or not, I have no place I need to be. Just as long as the power stays on I won't complain.

I'll see if I can get a good picture of it when it quits tomorrow.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Before she went to work this morning, Patty Lou left a note for me to unload the dish drainer. Which one do I move that won't have the others land on my toes?


Monday, January 3, 2011


January 3, 2006. It's been 5 years to the day since I went on HRT, except for about 6 months last year when I was in my severe depression stage. There were also a couple of times when I'd ran out due to shipping problems. (InHousePharmacy, in the U.S. we can't get drugs over the internet without a 'script anymore) In my attempt to transition, getting on HRT was easy.(first internet, now by prescription) Going full-time was an easy thing to do.(3 years) Due to the depression, de-transitioning was really hard to do. And now, taking that first step to get back to where I was seems impossible. I used to tell people to "just do it".

Why can't I listen to my own advice?


Saturday, January 1, 2011


Usually I don't make New Years resolutions because it's too easy to break them. Unrealistic goals, lack of willpower, whatever the reason, they get broken soon after making them. It's said that most resolutions are broken within the first two weeks of making them. That would be true for me.

This year will be different.(I hear ya! Oh ye of little faith!) This year will be different because my only resolution is, "Have a better year than last year"!

A lot of people make that same statement. If they've had a good year they make it in hopes that the next year will be even better. Their chances aren't as good as those who've had a bad year. Two good years in a row I'd say is about a 50/50 chance in happening. The worse year you have the chances greatly improve.

I've just had the worst year of my life. Mild depression, followed by severe depression causing me to de-transition. A trial and error period with three different groups of drug therapy. Finally one brought me out of the severe depression but has left me sad all the time. I'm still trying to find "Stephanie", lost somewhere along the way. If you see her send her home.

A better year? I'm not certain of one, but the chances are good.