Monday, August 31, 2009

$131, Beans, Ground Beef, Mac & Cheese

I went and filed for my unemployment benefits today. 3 1/2 hours of sitting, getting on the computer, sitting, interviewing, and sitting, there was lots of sitting, I found out I'll be receiving $131 a week. It will take about 3 weeks before the first debit card will arrive. I'd better have a job by then! Thank goodness I decided that my daughter could pay me only once a month when I was working. I'll have a months pay tomorrow to live on, plus a little from last month, plus a little Patty Lou doesn't know about, so I'm not worried too much , ...yet. Just wait until October and me with no job. I'll be a raving lunatic!

We're getting every federal, state, and local help agency involved with us again. I hate that. I said I'd never do that again, now, here I am. We had to do that about 30 years ago when the kids were little. It was because of me not being able to tame those transgender thoughts whirling in my head. I couldn't stay out of a dress long enough to hold a job, I'd get fired. It's ironic that I've just been laid off from a job after being full time for over 2 1/2 years, and I'll be that way when I go back to work. Yep, made that decision today, no other choice really. But what pushed my decision that direction was today's experience. While everyone could tell I'm in-between genders, no one cared. Every pronoun was correct, there wasn't any giggles, not even a knowing grin from employees or from the clients waiting. Not one thing in the 3 & 1/2 hours I was there could even remotely be considered derogatory. And I even had to be called Steven. (first on the fix-it list!!!) I'll put this lay off/job search in it's proper place as part of my RLE, where it belongs, just like any other girl would have to do.


Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Dilemma

I put in an application for a custodian job at Community Counseling Services here in Hot Springs. A forty hour week with an hour for lunch, it would pay well, and comes with all kinds of benefits. It was an online application in which I used my legal name (Steven, arrrrgh!) and I didn't tell of me being transgender and transitioning.(should I?) If I do get an interview, I'm at a dilemma wondering if I should be proud of who I am and show up as my real self and probably not get the job, or if I should see if 'Steven' can get the job and then transition, ...again. 'Steven' does not look like a 'Steven' much anymore, greatly reducing the chances that he could get the job either. It is a building full of psychiatrists, counselors, and therapists. Shouldn't they understand? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Guess I should wait and see if the horse shows up before I decide if I'm going to ride it side saddle!


Friday, August 28, 2009

I got that lovin' feelin'...

...or, "You love me", "You really love me!"
As it turned out, I had to go back to the plant this evening. They wanted their trash emptied before Sunday when my daughter was going to do it. It only took me 3 1/2 hours, but in the time I was there, both Amanda and Candy, who were working late, gave my hurt feelings a much needed pick-me-up. Both of them said their goodbyes to me, Candy saying, but not for long, that I'd be back. She remembers when the new cleaners had the contract before us, how nasty the place was. They're going with them to save a whopping $166 a month! I have my doubts about us returning even if they see it was a mistake letting us go. The bitch in charge of the contract wanted me gone. And yes I'm sure it was my being transgender that was a major cause for us to go. She's trans phobic, probably homophobic, and every other kind of phobic. Which I can't understand. She has a bi-racial granddaughter. Her prejudice will bite her someday.

So now I'm officially unemployed, laid off, not working (...hmmm, I don't like the sound of those.)

So now I'm temporarily a lady of leisure. (much better!) Monday I'll go to the employment office and let them know. I'll see what kind of pittance I have earned while I'm being this lady of leisure.

Patty Lou's calling, she needs something. I forgot for a brief minute. Housewives/caregivers don't get leisure time! lol


Thursday, August 27, 2009


Although I'm someone whose expectations are fairly low all the time, especially when it comes to other people, I find myself still disappointed with them over and over again. I didn't think there would be a best wishes party with Dixie cups and paper plates, but since everyone knew that tonight was my last night at work, I thought I'd get at the very least a goodbye, or a wish of luck. But I got nothing. No hug, no "see ya 'round", nothing. In fact, it was as though nobody knew what to say to me. Except for one "Hi Stephanie" when I first arrived, they were quiet. I guess I just expect too much. Or maybe I'm a needy person. Or maybe even after all these years of having my feelings stepped on, they still aren't callused as much as I thought they were. Or maybe I got what I asked for when I first went full time there. I wanted to be thought of as "the cleaning girl", not a transgendered cleaning girl, just a cleaning girl. Cleaning girls aren't very high up on the corporate ladder of life. Girls in that low position don't get parties when they leave. Guess I was just one of the girls. The cleaning girl.


A preliminary verdict on the new meds.

With only two doses in me, it's pretty early to judge what the long term effects will be. That is, if I can withstand taking them for very long! The Invega, a nerve pill I take during the day, seems to do it's job without any bad side effects. There's no groggy feeling, something I just can't stand. I want to be fully awake when the meteorite smashes me flat!

Now the Vistaril (oops, got it wrong in a previous blog), hydroxyzine pamoate for sleep, is another story. It puts me at a point of sleep where my dreams are VERY plentiful and vivid, can be scary, both real and unreal happenings, and there is a lot of sexual nature to them. Not that I'm waking up with an overly 'enlarged clitoris', (a term used by Patty Lou's doctor the other day! I've got to get this woman as my Doc!) I think those days are long past! The sexual nature seems to be all about anal sex. (TMI,Too Much Information? yes, I think so) ...Anyhow, if this keeps up, I'll be looking forward to sleeping all the time and won't get anything accomplished! ...ahhhh, just kidding! I'll ask for something different. The sleep is very disruptive and I'm still tired in the morning. Can't the drug companies combine a six pack of beer and two joints in a legal pill form? ..arrrgh

Patty Lou's been in a better mood lately. She's been up more trying to do things around the house. It's been a month since she broke her ankle, so I don't think she can hurt her it as easily as before. With that in mind, I'm not as protective of her as I was. She appreciates that.

And the job search continues...


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm really not vindictive, but...

A little over a month ago, just before I knew I was losing my job, the woman who held our contract in her hands came to me bitching that there had been 3 chewed pieces of gum in the trash can in the last stall in the ladies room for over a week. She wanted them removed. I knew they were there, but since nothing else had been thrown in the can I left them. I told her yes, and went and changed the bag in the can and I've made sure that the bags have been changed every day when anything at all was in them.
I had an evil thought tonight. I sure wish I'd saved EVERY piece of chewed gum I found in all the trash cans in the past thirty days. It would make about a full can. I would leave them in her trash can on my way out! LMAO!


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Doctors appointment

I went to get my new meds from the clinic today. Now they have me on Invega in the daytime, and Invistaril at night. They stopped the Serequel.Yeah! It made me feel like a zombie! I haven't tried the new ones yet. I may be wishing for the old! We'll see.
While I was there, I wanted them to go over my blood work I had done three weeks ago. I thought they ordered my estrogen count, but no, just testosterone and two others I have no clue what they were for, even though two different doctors explained them to me. Doctor language is not part of my vocabulary. My T is at 16, so I'm taking enough spiro (100mg), but I still don't know about the estrogen. I wanted to know because if I was taking a high dosage (4mg orally, 100mic patch changed twice a week) I might could get by with less, financial problems and all. I couldn't see my doctor, so I saw Patty Lou's, a woman doc. She checked my boobs, which when I told Patty Lou, she thought that was just hilarious! I can't see why! Her doctor couldn't understand why my doc wouldn't prescribe my hormones through the clinic. (he gave me no explanation) She did put a note in my file that I should be referred to the trans program at UAMS. It's the big teaching hospital in Little Rock where my therapist wants me to be her subject, Patty Lou's ankle got fixed there too. So, in a long, round about way, maybe I will eventually get the help I need. Why couldn't someone tell me about this 30 years ago?! ...sigh
On the work front, I have three days left. It struck me funny tonight why I'm so upset about losing a job where I clean poop off of toilets! ...I won't miss that! ...just my girlfriends.
Thanks goes to you girls trying to cheer me up. I love y'all!


Monday, August 24, 2009

Implosion, implosion, explosion

This is not going to be a good week for me. With my job ending, I'm at a loss as to what to do next. The girls at work are going to have me crying every time I look at them. They are "Stephanie's" friends, my first friends, not "Steven's". I think you understand. Most of them never saw me before transition, and the few who did, never paid any attention to the goofy looking man that was doing the cleaning. It's going to hurt me terribly to say goodbye, especially since I have no other women in my so called real life but them, oh, and Patty Lou. It's going to be a sad time.

Patty Lou's been a hand full lately. I know she's bored silly having to sit around the house, but she cannot walk using her crutches, so she's mostly confined to her wheelchair or recliner. She's being very demanding, picky, grumpy, ....sigh. This has me holding my tongue as best as I can, but eruptions still surface. I keep thinking, "this will all end, hang on", but it's getting very difficult to do. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. When I do, it will be a train. Hope it's going slow, I may decide to hop on!

My Florida daughter has screwed her marriage up. Some of you know I'm not a big fan of the prejudice, homophobic husband, but he did take good care of her, and I'd like to see them stay together. That's not going to happen now. Third husband, third infidelity by her. She thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. Hell, I'm standing on the other side! It ain't green! ...sigh

That's enough of my drearies. I write this for me as a record. So if I bring someone down (you know who) just quit reading. Someday I'll be cheerful again. Maybe...


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Just another bruise

Vultures circling overhead, doesn't mean the body is a corpse yet. I may be wounded, but if I was afraid of pain, I would never have transitioned. When fists were used to beat me, I absorbed their pain into me, making me stronger. The laughter aimed at me, callused my heart, protecting it from hurt. Evil words were thrown at me, each fortifying my resistance to them. Do I feel the fists, hear the laughter, hear the words still? Certainly. But they are only a nuisance, nothing but a bruise. It's healing will only make me stronger.



For all of you full time girls, I give you this advise. When all your friends and acquaintances smile at you and tell you how glad they are for you that your transitioning, be aware that smiling faces tell lies. When you really need them, they won't come to your rescue, you will be on your own. Suddenly, you won't be seen as a brave girl who is finally being able to become herself, you will be a crazy man in a dress, someone to avoid.


Friday, August 21, 2009

In need of a break

I haven't gone to Jesters (bar) in over a month, so I'm gonna put on my glad rags and see if I can find me a night of decadent distraction.
Wish me luck.


Meanwhile, sing it girls!

Walkin' down this rocky road
wondering where my life is leadin'
Rollin' on, to the bitter end.
Finding out along the way
what it takes to keep love (on) living
you should know, how it feels my friend.

Ohh, I want you to stay
Ohh, I want you today
I'm ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love
Ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love
Ohhh, for your love

Now I'm on my feet again
Better things are bound to happen'
All my dues, surely must be paid.
Many miles and many tears
Times were hard but now they're changin'
You should know, that I'm not afraid.


_________________Bad Company

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Long day

First, Patty Lou had her ankle X-ray'd and they said it's healing fine. She has to keep the cast on for another 3 weeks, then she may get a walking boot. I hope so, she wants to get up and go, anywhere.
On our way to her appointment, I got pulled over by one of our state troopers. I saw that he was giving a ticket to someone, and the law does say that I'm suppose to get into the other lane as not to get too close to him as I pass, but that lane had two cars coming up so fast that I was afraid to get into it. He was nice enough to just give me a warning ticket, probably because he saw Patty Lou's cast. Idiot!

I had my therapy session this evening, if you want to call it that. I'm getting nothing in the way of therapy out of it. She has her own agenda wanting me to be her show-and-tell piece for her class of studying new therapists. Right now, I need therapy, badly. The stuff that is within us that holds us all together is in short supply in me. I'm screaming for help and nobody is listening. Mental health care in this miserable state of Arkansas sucks.

It's almost midnight, I've been up since 4:30 am, and I still want to read your posts. Your my best therapy.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Car update

The nice guy was the mechanic.
The owner of the place was an ass!
$423 for a fuel pump.
He won't be getting my business anymore.

I'm up before the butt crack of dawn tomorrow.
Patty Lou has a doctors appointment in Little Rock for her ankle.
Time for bed.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Strike 3

They say bad things happen in 3's, so I've been waiting for number 3. I don't have to wait any longer.
My old GMC Jimmy has been getting hard to start, well, sometimes. Sometimes it would start right up, then other times it would take awhile to kick off. I got to the second building I had to clean tonight and it decided that that was where it would stay. Not starting, I had Patty Lou call the mechanic directly across the street from the main building I clean, and had him call me. He called a tow truck to get it to his shop, came and picked me up, and I waited for my step mother-in-law to give me a ride back out in the country so I could get my truck and finish work tonight. The truck is on it's last leg too. ...sigh
Patty Lou slipped with my name telling him it was Steven. So while on the phone he talked to me as a man. When I got in his truck he says, "You don't look like a Steven." After me telling him I was transgender, he changed his entire attitude. (for the better) From then on, I was 'Honey' and 'Sweetie', and, "I'm going to help you out, it's going to be alright darling." I couldn't believe how his demeanor changed after he saw me. It was all good. I was a woman in need, and him being a slow talkin' southern gentleman, he was going to take care of me. He's going to call tomorrow and tell me what's wrong. I'll see how much he cares when I get the bill for this! So far it's $60 for a 2 block tow charge.


Just a rant

When I try to sign up for something on the internet and it asks for a user name, if I give it one that is already being used, it kicks it back to me and asks for another one. Why then can a company use the same address as another making it a journey through hell to find them on the internet. Can they not be given a number or something so you can go directly to their site? Apparently, they want to see just how tenacious you are in your search if you are looking to find a job with them. Arrrghhh!!!


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Patty Lou, ten miles high!

Over the years of my drinking and drugging to excess, Patty Lou wasn't just sippin' tea, she joined right in there too. But she was the one that kept things under control. Unlike me, she always knew when she'd had enough. When she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, she quit drinking all together. Her only vice now is about a joint a day, and a pack of cigarettes, which I never smoked, and wish she didn't. I was smoking about 2 joints a day, but since I'm going to be out of work, and most employers want you to take a drug test, I quit the day I found out I'd be unemployed. (damn I want a joint!)

Now, with that said...

When she broke her ankle, they gave her a prescription for percocet. When her ankle has been hurting, she takes them very sparingly, even breaking them in half, so she doesn't just fall asleep when it hits her. Good idea?

If you met her, you'd soon realize that this girl has fun all the time. She's one of those happy people, happy, happy, happy, that laughs and giggles all day long. If I'm still around, I'm going to put on her headstone, "She Died Laughing!"

Now when you take someone like that and add percocet, (which she said she likes a lot!) you get a silly, fun loving, wise cracking woman, who is just looking for someone to have fun with. Trouble is, I'm the only someone here, and I haven't been feeling like having fun. After a while, I just want to scream, "Hey, I'm nursing my depression here!" ...sigh

I don't know what I'd do without her.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will,
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.


My Day, Eruptions of Frustration

I can see myself working the street for a fix. Not the fix of the junky , crack, or meth head, but the fix of a girl who needs her hormonal balance to get back to the calming level it was. I'm an explosion of anger just looking for an excuse to erupt. Everyone, everything is needing my attention. I don't want to give it any more.
Patty Lou needs something, then she needs something else even before the first something is taken care of.
Pee the dog. Quick fix of make-up.
Run to town to copy these papers.
Pee the dog.
Fix lunch? Didn't we just eat breakfast?
Did I get a newspaper when I was out? Damn! 25 minute trip to the little store. Ok, I need the want ads anyway. Same jobs, nothing for me.
Oh shit! Laundry. Change sheets.
Dirty dishes. Great, dried egg.
A minute to sit.
I don't want to play with the squeaky chicken dog!!! Leave me alone!
What am I cooking for supper?!!!! Pleeease!
Pee the dog! (no more water for the dog!)
Shut-up dog. That bunny ain't bothering you!
Clean dishes BEFORE it turns to glue!
Can I help with a bath! ...sigh Yes, then me. Phew! 5 minutes of cool water!
Chill pill. Get ready for bed.
Computer time. ----- Sorry girls. If I didn't take this time to do my grumbling to you, I believe my head would have already exploded days ago. As it is, the small explosions that have erupted out of me today, has had Patty Lou in tears, and the dog looking at me as if I'm a monster sent from hell! I hope to become human again soon.
Oh shit. Where's the dog! ...sigh


Friday, August 14, 2009

My will to live

People just don't understand what it is like to be transgender. In the 3 yrs. that I have worked at the plant, I've tried to explain to the women, and a few men, the importance of this transition. They still just don't get it. One of them that I've talked extensively to, told me that I may have to go back to being a 'weekend' girl if I couldn't get a job as Stephanie.

As open as I am in my writing here, I am just as open with them, telling everything about me. But still they think it's as simple as just putting on the clothes of the gender you portray that day. They can't understand the emotional roller coaster that comes with having to do that. The deep depressing workweek that chews at your inner self, then the great high of the weekend able to be 'real', only to be repeated week after week, I couldn't do that any more when I started transition, and trying to go back to that would certainly destroy me now.

I don't know how I'm going to survive this financial mess I'm in, but I will survive it. I will only be able to survive it if I am the person I was meant to be, not going back to being someone that couldn't remain in this world any longer. I am a woman. I will become a strong woman, stronger than any hardship that life can throw me. I will survive.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Sky is Cryin'

I guess you know that with the way things have been going as of late for me, I'm a little down. Actually, I'm surprised I'm not in a deep hole of depression, but no, I'm doing ok. With all the lay-offs at the plant, the people left working are in a quiet funk too. There's no laughter in the cubicles like there use to be, no joking around, no fun. When there is no fun at work, it becomes a chore to even show up. And then I noticed when I left tonight, even the town seemed to have the blues. There are less cars on the street, less people out walking. Even the one hooker I saw seemed to be in a state of depression, like she knew there was not much of a chance of her making that money for her next rock of crack cocaine so why even try. There's a sadness gripping everyone.
I realize I'm seeing this through my eyes, eyes that are sad also. I complained when the hustle of life was going so fast that you couldn't catch your breath. But I would rather see the world in that fast pace with a smile on it's face, than this grim, disparaging sadness that now has everyone in it's clutches.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

"Hi, my name is ...."

.....and then there is a little pause, I get a painful look on my face, and say, "Steven Flettshock .....". I could kick myself in the bottom for spending that money on those hair extensions I only kept in for two days, when I should have given it to an attorney to help with my name change. Now, since I have to give potential employers my legal name, I get to suffer through explaining myself. ....."ahhh, but please call me Stephanie." Then I explain being transgender stuck in the middle of transition, and from there on , I might as well get up and leave. I can see the wheels turning in their head thinking they will accept my application, but as soon as I leave, it will go into the trash. And this is for a minimum wage job where they hire anyone who walks in!

This, finding a job, is not going to be easy. I'm going to see when the next CNA class starts. (certified nursing assistant) I found out today that it pays $11 per hour around here, in some places anyway. Maybe I could continue studying and become a nurse some day. I think I'd like doing that.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

A Big Thank You

I'm a selfish, unappreciative pig! Yep, that's me. I write my troubles here for, well, for me really, but in doing so, you girls show your support for me and I never say thank you. It would be impossible for me to go through all the ups and downs of transition without the support that I receive from you. Your understanding, your 'like mindedness', gives me the only support I have to get me through the trying times of this unasked for situation I was born into. I wish I could find words to describe how much your friendship means to me. I can honestly say that 'Stephanie' would not exist if it weren't for the support you show me. A simple thank you seems so paltry.
I intend to be more supportive of you when your needing a friend. I will try harder to be that friend, for I know how much it helps just to know someone cares. I do care. I have trouble expressing it, but I do care.
Thank you .....I love you


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Transitioning by the Numbers

There should be detailed instructions in how to transition. You know, do this first, do that second. Don't start here because you can't go back. Did I miss the memo? I would think in all of my blog reading I would have run across it. I passed by #1, have the financial security to continue to the end. Stuck in the middle because you lack the money to go forward is no fun. (been living that one for awhile now) Hair problems should also be addressed, probably #2, no , maybe that should be #3. A gender therapist should be #2. After all, if your not able to keep your head screwed on straight, there is no need for perfect hair! I recommend not starting at #4 like I did. Hormones make boobs. If you have to re-group back to your old self, boobs on a man are going to be asked about frequently. (I may have to deal with that one soon) I don't know how to put the rest of transition in the proper order. I haven't been able to think that far ahead. I didn't pass 'Go', I can't collect $200. Monopoly money doesn't spend well anyway! I do own property, but it's no Boardwalk or Park Place. It's more like Baltic Avenue with a house that's comfortable. If I sell it though, a bankruptcy I'm paying off will eat up too much profits. I may have no choice, as I can't make the payment soon. ...sigh.
Seems I've rolled the dice, snake eyes has come up, and I landed on ...Go to Jail, Go directly to Jail!


Friday, August 7, 2009

The Ghosts of Transgender Return

When it became clear that money was going to be in short supply around here, I started cutting back on my hormones. I went from 4mgs per day orally and a 100mic patch changed twice a week, to 2mgs daily and change the patch once a week. I may have to stop them completely. I feel the difference already. With this chemical reduction, and the troubling anxiety of my situation, there's a boiling cauldron of transgender anxiety brewing in me. I feel it, I see it, I hear it. It is a nervous tension that is screaming for help, screaming for relief. I'm having self doubts, wondering if what I've been doing to my body has been a grave mistake. What will I do, how will I exist. I have responsibilities that I will not be able to take care of. There are dark thoughts of crashing this coaster ride ending it all, an interruption in living, an interruption in life, my real life. A new chance at real life would never happen again. I thought it would never happen, I resigned myself that it wouldn't. Then life, happy life, oh so happy life. Living, breathing, feeling. And now, it's inching away, slipping, sliding, me unable to grasp it, hold onto it. How can I hold onto it? I've seen the darkness, been in the darkness, fought the darkness. I cannot live in the darkness again, for it is not living, not alive, not feeling. Existing is not enough, ...not enough. I've tasted the fruit of life, real life, a sweet nectar not found in the darkness. Life does not grow there, it lays dormant, the fruit without taste. It exists, but questions why, ...why, ...why.

I cannot go back...
Existence is not living...


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A day of extremes

Patty Lou has a very pretty purple cast on her ankle. No surgery! Yippee! The Doctors decided that since the bone was almost perfectly in line, they would just put a cast on it and not plate it securing it with screws. They did have to 'reduce' it, meaning that while the cast was still pliable, the Dr. compressed the swelling in her ankle, pushing the bone into a better position. He molded the cast with his hands as it got hard, keeping things in place. Patty Lou was a real trooper through this painful ordeal, one without the benefit of pain medication, well, other than a Percocet (oxycodone) that she had taken earlier. Not a tear was shed!

My experience while there today, was a bit different. I had to continuously keep outing myself, telling Dr.'s and nurses that I was her husband, her transgendered husband, so I could remain with her throughout the 5 hours we were there. They all treated me with respect, but once one knew, there was an endless line of gawkers passing by just to take a look. So the good feeling of hearing "yes ma'am", was ruined by the stares of the curious. It was a day of both extreme highs and extreme lows. I know I'll never live long enough to see it, but someday the transgendered will not be seen as a sideshow oddity. What a glorious day that will be.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Busy day ahead

Patty Lou has an appointment with the University of Arkansas Medical Center at 12 noon tomorrow. We don't know if they're going to do the surgery tomorrow or just examine and schedule it for later. We'll be leaving about 3 hrs. earlier for the 100 mile trip, early so if we get lost..... She's not someone that likes to sit still, so this not being able to get around is getting her down. Maybe once she knows what and when things are going to happen, her smile will return. I miss that smile.


Sunday, August 2, 2009

Smilin' Patty Lou

I got a huge smile from Patty Lou when she was able to get into the wheelchair that her father used in his last months of life. She's only able to navigate the living room and kitchen area since this house started out as a 12x65 foot mobile home. Yes, I'm trailer trash! lol (was called that once by the uppity neighbor) The hallway is too narrow for the chair to fit, but at least she can get herself something from the fridge and make herself coffee. I know how she feels, as I've been reliant on her help before. Being able to do something for yourself, you cherish your freedom much more, even though it may be small.

My son-in-law (the redneck one) and daughter in Florida have been arguing as of late. So much that she has been staying with a friend for a little over a week. But when he heard about Pat's ankle, and about me losing my job in a short while, (it may be sooner than I've said, more later ...sigh) he gave my daughter the money to pay our electric bill. No one asked him to, he just did it. The guy has a good heart. If he could just get past my trans situation he'd be alright with me. He's the best of the three husbands she's had. He's been emailing me for updates on Patty Lou, which is something since me and him haven't shared words when he refused to come up on Thanksgiving almost three years ago. I've made it a point to bring up my gender issues. He said he's trying to work that out in his head. Being an ex-alcoholic biker who is way into guns, he's got all those redneck qualities that trans people avoid having to deal with. I'm going to try and enlighten him in the true facts of being transgender, explaining the difference between she males, crossdressers, and drag queens. If you know of an address I can link him to that does a good job explaining it, please send it to me. The more info he has the better. I've never went looking for sites like that, I've lived it, I know it pretty well! Coming from somewhere else other than me would give it more credibility though.

Guess I better get in bed, I've a busy, long day tomorrow.