Thursday, July 29, 2010

The different faces of hell.

December 4th, '09 was my last post I wrote. I stopped writing because I didn't want the depression that I was feeling to turn this blog into a boo who, woe is me type of think. At the time my feeling down was just that. Feeling a little down, sad all the time. I found out I knew nothing about depression. As the days turned into weeks, weeks turning into months, my depression became so severe that it took over my life. I sat most of the time with eyes closed, quiet trying to block out any kind of stimulation that was going on around me. My nervous system was at its peek. Other than seeing my doctor, I was housebound going nowhere. In the next 6 months I went through 3 different doctors and 3 assortments of medications. Nothing was helping me. More than once during this time I pleaded to my wife to let me go and end my life so I could end the torment I was going through. Of course she would see none of that. Finally I was passed off to a doctor that knew what she was doing and put me on meds that helped me to regain some sanity. I'm still not working, but I am able to take care of the house , go shopping, doing everyday things. But this sanity came with a big price. When I started on the first round of medications, 'Stephanie' got lost somewhere. The meds did it, the depression did it, I don't know which, but that feeling of being female is not as strong as it was. I still cringe when I see myself in the mirror. When I see other females I still long to be one. It's just a different type of feeling. I don't like it, but I don't know how to get back to where I was. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to stop my meds and that I'll be back the way I was. I understand now how having to go back to being male causes some to take their life. It is much harder going back than it ever was going forward.

I won't be posting much, my days are all the same. I have started reading your blogs again. Sometimes that is hard to do. Thanks for listening to me.



Renee said...

I've visited the blog several times over the last month or so to see if I had missed's good to see you back. I'm sorry things are so hard, but I'm glad you're still around. *hugs*

Calie said...

Stephanie, frankly I thought we had lost you, so it has absolutely made my day to see that you are healing.

You have many friends out there and I'm sure Renee and I aren't the only ones who have been concerned. Just look at the comments on your December post.

Calie xxx

Calie said...

By the way, I do relate somewhat. I go through short periods of depression and work through it. I have learned to read my body. Generally when I do not comment on blogs, that is when I am down.

Melissa said...

Stephanie, its so nice to hear from you again! I too thought we had lost you. Especially when Patty Lou had to answer the emails I sent you. I'm so sorry that you have been going through such a horrible time, and hope that you are finally climbing out of your depression. Please remember that your friends are always here for you.

Big hug!
Melissa XX

Lori D said...

I, too, was heartwarmed to read this. I don't have much of a chance to read anymore but am glad I chanced onto reading this today.

All I can say is it's good to have you around, even if you're not feeling like you want to be. *hugs too*

Leslie Ann said...

Steph, I'm so relieved that you are still with us, even at less than 100%. There were a lot of folks worried about you.

Welcome back to Blogistan! We missed you.

Caroline said...

Must be a psychic thing! I had given up checking your old blog and feared the worst and was going to email you when suddenly you made a comment on a blog.

Having spent most of my life in purgatory I do know that there is a way out the other end even if all signs seem to say otherwise.

You and Patty Lou hang in there, we want Stephanie back.

Caroline xxx

Angel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Thank you girls for being concerned about me. There were times when I didn't think or want to carry on. I went from having the best 3 yrs of my life being full time to over 6 months of pure hell. I never knew depression could get as bad as it did for me. Thank you again for your kind thoughts.

Love, Stephanie

Anne said...

This is my first visit here, and to say that you are seriously depressed would be an understatement. Based on what I have read from your last comment here, July 30th and your last post Aug. 22, it seems that the cause of the depression has something to do with your "going back to male mode", or as you put it from the "happiest three years of your life to 6 months of pure hell".

Well, not to sound to clinical, but it seems that it was this "going back" that has intensified the depression.

The obvious question then that comes to mind is "WHY?", did you go back?

You need to understand that
transitioning is quite difficult. You need to have all your ducks in a row, BEFORE you take your shot. Just because you "missed" the first time does not mean that you cannot succeed. It just means that you need to be better prepared.

Step one is to understand what happened. What went wrong. Then make sure that will not happen again. However, before you even try that, though, you MUST, for your own sake and the sake of those you love, get out of your current funk.

Doctors and Meds, can only help so much. YOU are the one that must do the heavy lifting.

You have my best wishes and my prayers. Hang in there.