Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Reflections of my life, '08

....The end is near, the end of 2008 that is. All in all, for me it was a pretty good year. But then my idea of good means that there were no major catastrophe! I'm one that likes the same 'ol, same 'ol, day in and day out. Mundane is alright with me, I don't like surprises. Surprises for me have been, "SURPRISE!", the swat team is in your yard. Or,"SURPRISE!", remember me? I'm the cop you sold pot to! Or, "SURPRISE!", you just came to and your upside down in your truck! Oh, and let's not forget, "SURPRISE!", the IRS has finally caught up with you. Mundane? Yep, it's alright with me.
....So transitionally speaking, it's was a mundane year. I took my meds, lived each day with no surprises, and made it through the second year of my transition. YEAH! Now, let's move on to number three.
....Financially speaking, like everyone, I took a hit. But it was only in part due to the economy of our nation. Gas and groceries going sky high were my biggest problem, like everyone else's. Mine and my wife's wages stayed the same, and everything got more expensive. When gas was over $4 a gallon, we were spending 1/4 of what we make to get back and forth to work. Thank goodness it went down to $1.35 per gallon here, I doubt it will stay there though. And in the middle of the high gas prices, there was my car fiasco. After taking up payments and paying off a note, a friend, an ex-friend, took the car back with me no recourse to get it back. (lesson learned, get it in writing!) That left us with one poor, poor vehicle living 23 miles from work. Every penny we could make went on getting another car, one that you wasn't afraid would break down every time you left the driveway. But we managed, it's paid off now. It gets 100 miles a day on it, so a different one will be needed sometime this coming year. Jees, I'm planing ahead, I never do that! I finally must be growing up!
....Marriage. We are doing better than we ever have. Patty Lou still says my transition is the best thing that could have happened for our life together. We started out 35years ago as friends who feel in love. For 33years, I was a mess of a person who was a bitch to live with, why she stayed with me I don't know. My transition has caused a 180 degree turn around in my life, causing me to become the loving spouse that I should have been. This second year of me full time has been better than the first, and three should be even better than that.
....So out with '08, not that it was bad, and on with '09, I'm sure it will be better.
....I wish everyone a Happy New Year!!


Monday, December 29, 2008

A can't fail New Years resolution.

All of those resolutions to do better at dieting, eating healthy, stopping any addictive habits, you know are going to be broken before the first week of the new year is past. So my New Years resolution for this year is.............
...I'm going to do more of the same things I've been doing.

Can't break that one!


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Cover girl...

In music, they do it all the time. An artist will 'cover' a song that another artist has recorded. Some of those, well, they aren't very good. You remember the original and wonder just why in the world they tried to remake it. But every once in awhile, there is one that turns out better than the old one. That's me, better than the old one. Re-formatted, a new beat, a little more seriously structured than before, an entirely new updated version, something you can dance to. So put your dollar in the juke box and go out there and dance. That's where you'll find me dancing through life. It's so much better to dance.


Saturday, December 27, 2008


Some of you may have noticed there was a Jeffrey that left a comment on my blog a few days ago. Well, here he is with yours truly at Jesters Friday night. He finally found my page after looking for it for awhile He's a great conversationalist, we talk about everything. Last night we covered religion, politics, religion in politics, ...oh, and of course sex. Somehow sex always comes up. (pun intended) But then, when your a tranny it's all about the sex isn't it! lol! He's single girls, and if I wasn't a married woman, I'd ........yep, I would!
...Love ya, Jeff

(don't look at me, I look like poo poo!)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Home, Alone...

After 35yrs of having Christmas with at least some of my family coming home for Christmas, this year, Patty Lou and I were alone, all day. If I'd have known that me changing sexes would keep them away, .....I'd have done it sooner! lol
Oh, but really, Patty Lou and I had a great time today. We opened presents, had breakfast, made and ate the ham and German potato salad, (leftovers in freezer) I put on my makeup, we went for a ride, got two movies, The Women (laughed) & The Bucket List (cried) and just relaxed. It was a big change. Instead of craziness, there was calm. ...Old girls like us like calm! ...Thinking about it, everyone staying away because of me, might just turn out better than I first thought. It's about time the wife and I were able to do what we want instead of entertaining the family, which we were always glad when they left. Rowdy grand kids, the sons-in-law making me uneasy, daughters trying to one-up each other, who needs it? ...OMG! I'm bitchin' like some ol' granny! ...sigh
Oh well, I was always told to act my age, guess that's what I'm doin'! ...or that's my story anyway.


"Yeaaaah Santa!"

I won't know if Santa helped me with my Christmas list, it will take time to tell if he did, but on my 54th Christmas what he did bring me he finally got the gender right. You rock Santa!

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Santa,

My Christmas list this year is a short one, I only want one thing. It doesn't cost anything, so in this time of recession that's a good thing, right Santa? It's more for my wife than it is for me, although it would make me very happy. I don't know how to do it on my own, but would you help me make my family understand about me? That would allow my wife to see her grandchildren more often. That's all I want. I know I haven't been as good as I should be, please overlook that, Patty Lou has been very good. Does that count? I have milk and cookies waiting for you.

'til next year, Stephanie

Monday, December 22, 2008


Just a pic tonight of me at work. Yep, I still have a job, but the talking between my daughter and me tonight was kept at a minimum. It was a cold and quiet night...

(well, I can't get the picture to load so no pic. I'll try later) Ah Ha!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Somebody take this 'screw me' sign off my back...

Well, I guess I could start at being born with a male body and a female brain and then list all the times that I've been screwed over because of it, but I don't have enough time to make the list, and you don't have enough time to read it if I did. Let's just say that I have been screwed in life, over and over, and leave it at that. Here's the latest time.
About 6 months ago, those of you who read my y360 blog may remember me saying that my daughters little cleaning company had moved up the ladder when the middle man was cut out between us and the Jan-Pro cleaning company who has the original contract with Triumph the airplane parts company were I clean. I was told at that time that I was going to get a 'substantial' raise in pay since it meant about 2k a month more in my daughters pocket, but I would have to wait until the first of the year. Their, her and her husband, having to buy into the Jan-Pro franchise was the reason for me waiting. I waited, expecting maybe 4 or 5 hundred a month more on my check. Today I was given a 100 dollar Christmas bonus and told at the same time that my raise was a f****** 100 dollars a month! That's before taxes. This isn't the first time I've been lied to by them, it's happened time and time again. I worked the rest of the day pissed, and as we were walking out I explained, in a very calm way, that I thought it sucked. Apparently, after she called her a** h*** husband, she then called my wife, her mother. She told her to let me know that that was the best they could do, they had bills. I make less than 1/4 of what they get for this job, my only job. I put in 80% of the labor, which the money is for only labor, supplies are furnished by Triumph. The entire situation boils down to them knowing that it would be next to impossible for me to get another job here and remain in transition. So I get screwed yet again, and again by part of my own family. Y'all girls who lament about your family not wanting anything to do with you when you transition don't know how lucky you are. It is much better to have that a done deal so you can get on with your life anew, than it is to be used by them because they know they can do it and you have very little recourse. I'm going to try and find another job, and until I find one try and keep my mouth shut to keep the one I have. But believe me, new job, bye entire family. And Patty Lou is in agreement with that idea. God I love that woman...

(anybody own a cleaning company? I will re-locate, far from family)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Too early, or maybe too late...

Well, apparently I went to bed too early, my eyes popped open at 3am and my mind won't stop whirling to let me go back to sleep. Most of the redundant thinking stems from me finding out that it will be just Patty Lou and me at the dinner table for Christmas. I guess I haven't become any less hideous in the eyes of my two daughters husbands since Thanksgiving when they stayed away. Hmmm, a thought. Maybe I could sport a pair of DD boobs and show alot of cleavage next year. Men like cleavage! Ahh, the sarcastic jokes are still there, and they come out when I try to cover up my true feelings. Really, I hurt, for me, yes, but much more because I am hurting Patty Lou. I'm the cause for her holidays to be, well, if not dismal, less than what they always were, way less. And with both of us not being in the best of health, there could be but a few left. We need to be enjoying each one as if it were our last, each day as if it were our last. Grandsons and daughters should be seen more often, not kept from us as they are now, all because of me. It isn't right, and I don't know what to do to fix it.I guess all I can do is muddle on, hoping that time will cure some of the problems. I just hope that there is enough time.
...Anyway, there is going to be a huge ham and a large pan of German potato salad, (grandma's recipe that can't be beat!) on the table at noon on Christmas day, just in case your in the neighborhood.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Glitter intolerant!

This is a public service message, or a rant, whichever you prefer.

It's bad enough that I have to vacuum up little pieces of aluminum at work every night from the 10,000 sq ft of carpet that is in the offices and cubicles, but now with it being the holiday season, I now have tinsel and glitter to get out of the carpet. And if you don't know, glitter is not the easiest to get up, even with a commercial vacuum. In fact, there still will be glitter when the carpet has to be shampooed around Easter, and even that may not get it all. Keep this in mind before you break out the glitter in your home.


Sorting the Eggs...

After they gather the eggs at the big chicken farms, they are taken to the processing plant where they are culled according to sex. They do this because they gain weight at different rates. It takes a trained person to be able to tell one from the other, and even these trained people make a mistake every once in awhile. That's why after they hatch these eggs and send them back to the chicken houses to raise, you will find 10,000 hens and a few roosters, or 10,000 roosters and a few hens. But what about a third house? A house for the roosters and hens that, even though they have all the makings of a rooster or hen, they 'feel' they are the other sex. There are some. Roosters steal a nest from a hen and sit on the eggs, and hens mount other hens just as a rooster does. What about having a place for these chickens, a place where they can live until their day is up? ....Why? Because they don't want a special place. They want to be able to be themselves with all the other chickens, without being singled out for being different.


Public Relations...

No, I'm not talking about doin' IT in public, although, there was a time me, a crossdresser, and her niece went to the parking lot at Wal*Mart, and ....Oh, never mind. You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Besides, it's almost Christmas, I have to be nice.

...No, this is about some PR work I did just for me last night. Every year for Christmas, Patty Lou makes chocolate and peanut butter fudge to give to all of our friends and fellow workers. Well this year I asked her if she would make enough for me to take some to my work. We bagged up 40 little bags with five good sized pieces in it and I distributed them to all the people that have been both nice to me, and those that aren't quite enthused about me being around them. The fudge was a big hit. It brought a hug from the more friendly ones, and caused the ones that don't want to interact with me to at least say thank you, and some of those were down right chatty. I loved it! They are slowly finding out that this girl is a real person and not at all what they have had shone to them through television. I am not a Jerry Springer episode! Although..... I'm sure Jerry would have loved having a camera the night I was at Wal*Mart!


Monday, December 15, 2008

"Oh, can you validate my ...being?"

"Yes ma'am, can I help you?" I hear that all the time now, and it sure feels good, however, this morning it was so much better hearing it, probably the best that it can ever get.
...Twice a week for more than 10 years I could be found in the welding supply store here in town, but this morning was the first time 'Stephanie' was in there. This has got to be the scariest, and the last place that I'll be nervous about entering, but their price for propane is the cheapest in town, $20 cheaper for a 100 lb. bottle to be filled, and I couldn't pass up a bargain. I thought there was no way that I would be able to go in there, pay the same person that always waited on me, have the same guy fill it, pass by a half dozen men that knew me, and get out without being ridiculed and laughed at, or at the very least, weird looks with snickers and whispers. In my eyes, I see the same person that used to go in there, but apparently, everyone else just sees a woman going about her business. Not one person even blinked. ..."Thank you, ma'am."
...I'm happy! I'm amazed! I'm thrilled! I'm a woman!
...The parts still don't match my mind, but I am a woman.


Friday, December 12, 2008


There is a performer hidden inside of me that screams to get out. I am not coordinated, I have a tremendous fear of being in front of people, but I have these feelings that burn deep inside of me. I keep saying, "some day". I used to say that about being full time too...

...check these 'girls' out closely. Some, maybe all, are not.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

How embarrassing!

Well, at my expense, I figure I'll give y'all a good laugh tonight...
...You know how you try your best to look good all the time. After all, you know that people are going to be scrutinizing you from head to toe, your THE tranny. Well, I knew I was going to have a busy day yesterday, meds had to be picked up, a trip to Wally World, pay a couple of bills. So I got an early start, put on my makeup, and was out the door. Busy, busy, busy, but home in time to make the Spanish Rice-a Roni with peppers and smoked sausage that Patty Lou wanted ready when she got home from work at 2:30 pm. I leave for work at 3:10, so there isn't much time to spare. Since I had already fixed makeup in the morning I just got in the car and off to work I went, met my daughter at 4pm, had the secondary buildings cleaned, and was back at the main building by 6:30pm. We split up once we get there with me doing the offices and her doing the plant. Well, after drinking water at nearly every fountain that I passed, I had to pee. So I go into the ladies room, do my business, and decided that since I hadn't checked my makeup all day I had better take a look. The makeup was fine, but what, what's this? OMG! THERE IS SPANISH RICE ON THE END OF MY NOSE!!! Patty Lou hadn't seen it, my daughter hadn't seen it, and all I could think of was who else could there be that might have seen it. Fortunately, nobody had gotten close enough to me to have seen it, but if it had been a Tue. or a Thurs. I would have been at the main building early enough for everyone to see. I called Patty Lou and she had a big laugh. She called my daughter so she could cackle about it. The people at Patty Lou's job got a laugh today, and now, y'all can giggle. ...sigh
....So girls, I learned a very, very important lesson. Before you leave the house, check your makeup. You can bet from now on, I always will!


Deciding not to decide...

I really don't know why I give thought of weather I want or need SRS, it isn't like I ever plan anything anyway. All of my life I've just went with what the day brings. There was no plan in mind when I started my HRT. I thought, what the heck, I'll do some hormones and see what happens. Well, we all know how that works out. The boobs started growin', but the biggest change was in my head. There wasn't near as much chaotic, angry thinking going on in there. Way cool! So I kept taking them, still with no plan on where I was going. Then, when the boss at my welding job finds out, I'm fired. Two months later, after a near suicide, my daughter hires me in my cleaning job. Three weeks into that I see an opportunity to wear my makeup, so I do. The bra came next, and viola! Here I am two years later. I still don't have a plan, and I really don't think I need one. I've always thought that my life was already written in a big book somewhere, so I might as well just go along for the ride. Things seem to work out for me that way, and when they don't, well, it's going to be on to the next page in the book so I might as well sit back and see where I end up. Hey, you don't get any plans ruined that way! So I've decided, not to decide about SRS, I'll just go with what is written in the big book. No plan. But if any of you get a peek at my page in the book, ...naw, don't tell me.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Wants and Needs...

Me and SRS ......I've been reading blogs for the past three hours. The more I read, the more I want. But do I need? I don't know. It sure would be nice sometime in my life to be able to look down and not be disgusted. But is that a want? In life, we get much more that we want than what we need. Is this another want? Seems what started out as a need for me and became a want, is now, after two years of transition, becoming a need again. Or is it? Or am I just being envious?
...I'm so confused today, I don't want to think anymore, it's time to get off of here. I'll go make me an ice cream cone and pig out. That I know in all surety is a want, not a need!


Monday, December 8, 2008

The Christmas tree...

Physically this transition is going at a snails pace, but mentally things must be changing daily. Memories that were long repressed keep jumping into my head. Some of these are good ones, some, eh, not so good, but I welcome them all because they are a part of me, the me 'Stephanie'. They're making me realize that the fog of boyhood/manhood was thicker than I thought.

A lot of us snoop at Christmas time, more so when we were kids. I guess after having Christmas after Christmas of gifts that were 'all boy', a Tonka log truck and tool belt comes to mind, one year I decided that I'd take a peek. In the middle of the night with everyone fast asleep, I got up after 'Santa' had been there. Most kids knowing that getting caught would not be good would try to sneak as quick as possible, take a look and back to bed. I wasn't like most kids though. The memory that came this morning hasn't much detail, yet, but reading the words 'the Christmas tree', I remembered sitting under the shiny silver tree with the color wheel on in some kind of girls clothes, what or whose I don't know. I had opened a gift with my name on it, hoping that it had something in it that could only be for a girl, me. ...Flannel shirts, disappointment, and then momma catching me sitting there. Repressed memory, put 'Stephanie' away for another day. ...I was well into my twenties, and married, before I would get something that was for 'Stephanie' for Christmas. Like I did in those early years, I hope this year everything I get is for 'Stephanie'. But even if I get nothing, as was the case a few years, I won't be disappointed. I'm finally getting to live my life that I was suppose to live.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

No punch line...

A ma'maw, a teen lesbian, and a M-F transsexual walk into a Wal*Mart...

...That sounds like there should be a punch line coming up, but nope, that was just my Saturday morning shopping. My 17yr. old granddaughter spent Saturday with Patty Lou and me. She came out to my wife about 2yrs ago while being schooled about boys and birth control. She said she didn't need it, and after seeing the puzzled look on her ma'maw's face she explained why. Wish I would have known if I was gay or straight when I was that young. Hell I still don't know! How can I with the wrong equipment. Let me get the right parts and then I'll make a decision. 'Til then, I'll go with bi, keep my options open. lol

I went back to Jesters last night. What a difference a night makes! I had a great time, drank only two beers, made it to bed at a reasonable hour, and got up feeling good for work this morning. Patience, I need to learn about that sometime. Every night can't be great, although it seemed that way when I was doin' the crossdressing and excessive drinking thing. But then , how would I know, I don't remember most of it.

Seven hours of cleaning at work today with a sciatic nerve biting my left ass cheek, has just about made me decide that it's time to get something done about a bulging disc in my back. I can't afford the time off though. I may not have a choice, it's getting worse. I sure hope disc surgery has changed in the past 24yrs. The last one was a bitch!

Ok, nothing more from me tonight, I haven't read any of y'alls stuff yet. Is it good? You wouldn't fib, would ya? I didn't think so. Have a good night.


Saturday, December 6, 2008

"Yes, that IS me!"

They're going to want to see my ID at the bank this morning. I hate that! The 'M' won't change to 'F', and 'Steven Gene' won't change to 'Stephanie Jean', but I'll get to update the picture in March. Hurry up March!

(other than school age pics, this is the only pic of me pre-transition)


The meat market...

I went to the bar tonight, what for I don't know. Every time I do now I sit there like a lump, like I'm waiting for something. And I know there isn't anything that I want from there. Before this change in me, I would go with the thought in mind that I would find some man to **** me senseless, and I did sometimes, only after getting so drunk that I would barely remember what I had done. And I thought I needed that at the time. It made me feel connected to my girl self that was deep inside me. Now that she's out in the open I have no reason for a tryst, or the wham bam thank you ma'am if you will. So now I go looking for company. The only thing is, everyone that is there is looking for someone to go to bed with and they aren't interested in a tranny who only wants conversation. Other than the obligatory, "Hello, how are you," I get nothing. I feel like a stranger in a place that I used to be the center of attraction. I have got to find something else to do, some place where I can fit in but not be someones sexual object for a short time. Where? That's the question.


Friday, December 5, 2008


Well, aren't 'they' just the smart ones. 'They' have come up with a study that says cheer can be passed on. Well, like, DUH! I wonder how many dollars were spent on that study! Wednesday I wrote how a lot of our bloggers out there were writing nothing but gloomy blogs, no joy, telling only of all the troubles that they are going through. There has been little joy in trannyville lately, but an epidemic of sadness. And I do it too. I get to feeling down and write about it, but now I have someone else to blame my sadness on. ...YOU! ...It's all your fault! If you were in a cheerful mood all the time, I'd never be sad. You would pass your happiness on to me. My gosh, do you understand the implications of this? One person writes of good things happening in their life, a few read it and pass it on. Pretty soon there would be hundreds of thousands of happy tranny's walking around with a smile stuck on their face, the rest of the world wondering what was going on. Maybe the rest of the world would catch this good feeling, wars would end, we could change the world! So get happy!!!

......Of course, there could be ramifications for all us smiling trannys. 'They' may think we're all crazy! Oh wait. Most of 'they' already do...

.....Have a good day!


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

"Our cleaning lady".

........One of the women (Carrie) in the accounting section of the cubicles, introduced me to the new girl. (I'll be danged if I know her name now. Jees)

"This is Stephanie, our cleaning lady."

The glow coming off of me could have knocked you over!

(pic was later tonight, with Eric Clapton in my ears)

What, me worry?

I'm having too easy of a time in this transition, I must not be doing it right. Or am I doing it right and all of you are doing it wrong? No, can't be. Maybe I'm a greater number on the 'How trans are you?' scale. No, certainly not. A pea shy of a full pod, and just don't have the sense to know any better? There's a plausible answer. ..You tell me.
...In my blog reading, I see girl after girl describing in agony how her worries over family, worries over work, worries of how she looks, is she doing the right thing, what will her future be, worry, worry, worry. Could it be there is an epidemic in the trans community? First one writes about it, then two. Pretty soon the whole class has seen the note and everyone is infected, affected. We get an 'I have to be worried, I have to be anxious' attitude, everyone else is, it must be mandatory, or else I might not be trans. Why do we put all that on ourselves?
...Before the big switcheroo, (personally I don't think it's that big a deal) did you worry about work, family, friends liking you, am I doing the right thing for my future? Yep, we did, but nowhere near the extent that we do after our transition started. And why do we when we really don't have to. If something didn't work out to the best before the change, what did we do? Huh? It's an easy question. ......We did, (say it with me class), SOMETHING ELSE! ...Yep, life went on. And that's what will happen if everything falls apart on us in the start, middle, or even in the end of our transition. We will just do something else.
...When we started this exploration, we did it because we couldn't stand staying the way we were. Or, at least I hope that's why you got on this roller coaster. If not, bail out now! So let's say your sitting in the car and the coaster doesn't go. You get out and get on the log ride. Or, maybe it goes, but it stops upside down with you hanging there. Your not going to just disappear. The ride will either go forward again, or eventually you will get down and you'll go get on the log ride. And suppose you get to the end of the ride and think, "well, that wasn't what I thought it would be." What do you do? You go get on the log ride. OK, so what am I trying to say here? Oh, ya. ...I think we put too much emphasis on life. When you look at the big picture, we are really only a slightly smarter animal, whose life, most of us, won't amount to a hill of beans one hundred years from now. We try our best to make the right choices, but before, during, or after the transition, there were, and are no guaranties. If you find you've made the wrong choice, do something else. Stop worrying so much. It's as simple as keeping your head afloat while your on the log ride!


Not the pills Mother gives you...

I was going to write a blog about the effects of hormones on the nether regions, but I got to readin' and, well, it's time for me to sleep. On my trip to the potty, I thought of how I could sum up the jest of what I was going to write.

..."If things shrink much more, I'm going to have to mow the lawn to be able to find the worm!"

...going , going, but not quite gone........


Sunday, November 30, 2008


Well, other than a Fri night of drinking, and a quick trip to Wal*Mart Sat, I've been holed up in this house my entire 4 days off. Thank gawd I go back to work tomorrow. That sounds a little twisted doesn't it, knowing that I have the lowly job of cleaning. There's no glamour at the bottom of the totem pole. Ah, but it is what sustains me, it confirms who I am. I am seen, I am real, I'm not just a thought in my mind. That's how I've felt all through these years, even my crossdressing years. Being seen made it real, I am what you see, or at least the image that I am trying to project is what I am. The showing of my panties in 3rd grade, the staying dressed long enough to get 'caught', the slut look I had going for so long, and now the 24/7, it's all been to be seen. You see me, therefor I am. ......I wonder, would SRS and becoming complete stop this need? Suppose I blended in so well that it couldn't be seen what my gender started out as. Would I still have that need to tell? I wonder.
.......I wonder about a lot of things, maybe I wonder too much.

...........Tomorrow is world aids day. I know some of you, as I am, are lucky to be alive. Visit your local aids hospice center.

Saturday, November 29, 2008


...all the Jacks are in their boxes, and the clowns have all gone to bed, you can hear happiness staggering on down the street, foot prints dressed in red."

Well, Glenna's going back to Alabama to stay with my sister Joyce early in the morning. We never did get to party together. We had planned to go out tonight, (Sat) but both of us thought we'd go out "just for a little bit" Friday night and imbibed so much that neither of us wanted to try it again tonight. Damned alcohol. Someday I'll realize that even just a little, screws my life up every time. ...So the few hours that we spent together Thanksgiving day will have to do until I see her again. I hope I get that chance, she's walking around with an enlarged blood vessel in her brain, she told me she wished she never knew about. I understand how she feels, I hate waiting too.

I feel the holiday blues intruding into my world, my gray days, as I call them. .......'That's enough Stephanie.'
..........I'll write later


Thursday, November 27, 2008


Well, my sister Joyce's email yesterday was lacking in one little piece of knowledge that she had. She knew that my little sister Glenna was in Hot Springs and was going to be seeing me this afternoon! (Sneaky Sisters!) I'm on cloud nine! She'll be here 'til Sunday, so we've made plans to go out Sat night. I'm going to party with my sister!!! OK, I'm a little giddy, a lot giddy! Unless you know how, like the generation of family before us, we barely hear from each other, let alone see each other, you really can't understand how this makes me feel. ...This is WAY COOL!
...Now, I want to point out something, for there is lesson that can be learned for all of us, me too, I'm paying attention. ...Those of you who follow my blog have seen me go from bitching about my daughters not showing up for Thanksgiving dinner, me all down and out, to me having one of the best Thanksgiving days ever, which really started with yesterday. Down and out to elation. That's how life works. So when someone tells you that things will get better, believe them, they will. ......WAY COOL! I'M PARTYING WITH MY SISTER!!!
(someone please tell me why I can't get a picture to load here! Arrrrgh) wait, I did it!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My sister Joyce...

I have been walking around today with the biggest grin on my face that's been there in quite awhile. I got an email from my sister, Joyce, that said she had read my blog here at Blogger. I sent her and my younger sister the address a few weeks back with a 'just in case you want to read it' thought in mind. I didn't think they would, since I had sent them my y360 addy when I first started writing, but I guess they never went there to read it. There is a lot of dribble there with a few meaningful blogs mixed in. I'm pretty sure they would have commented on some of it. ...Anyhow, today I know for sure. She made reference to the good Dr that felt me up, and along with some memories and talking about our mother, well, it just made my day, especially when the letter started off with,'Hi Sis'. Weather she believes in how I feel or not, her trying to understand me means the world to me. We were inseparable when we were growing up, since we had no neighbors, and like any brother, I protected her and she looked up to me. She ran amuck and got married at an early age (14), and I ran amuck with drugs and alcohol. Starting our own families, we drifted apart, our family not big on showing affection or keeping in touch. With her wanting to get to know me now as her sister, well, I'm sure you understand how that makes me feel.
...So, tomorrow the daughters, their husbands, and my grand kids won't be coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I'll be sad about that, but I'm also going to be thankful that I have a sister that loves me and who wants to know me better, as her sister. ..Love ya, sis
(I'm pretty sure Glenna, my other sister does too, I just haven't heard from her in awhile.)


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

"Sheeee's out!

I'd have to say that my first time out of the house as Stephanie, although I called myself Cindy then, was a little different than other girls. My mother took me to the community counseling center to see the psychiatrist. After being 'caught' for the umpteenth time, she decided that help was needed, for her or for me, I don't know which. Turned out, neither of us was helped much, and in fact, I was hurt, being felt up by the much too friendly dr. Two more trips there and I refused to go anymore. My mother never knew why. As you can imagine, I wasn't very enthused about going anyway, and only after my mother said that I could go 'dressed', and that I could drive, that was the clincher since I was just learning, I reluctantly went. In my sisters wrap skirt, my mothers sweater, padded way too big bra, and too much makeup, off I went, scared to death. I can only tell you that daddy met us there, other than that I don't know what kind of day it was, if my sisters went with, or anything that was said, other than the way the dr. touched me, I only remember one other thing. I had known my wife to be for two years already, we went with our fathers to the bowling ally on Monday nights, hanging out together from the day we met. After my hour of counseling was over, while the dr. was talking with my mother and father in the hallway, who do I see walking toward me? Patty Lou. OMG, OMG, OMG! Where is a sink hole when you need one! She was with her step father and mother who were divorcing, and they thought she needed counseling. With my head down and trying to be invisible, I'm heading for the door. We pass, she didn't look up, a big sigh of relief escapes from me. Then I see the two men talking politics, comparing bowling scores, telling stories about their crazy kids, who knows what they were doing, all I wanted was for this moment in hell to be over. It finally did pass, and years later when I asked Patty Lou if she had recognized me, she said no. Apparently, having to be there and having anyone she knew see her there, was so embarrassing to her that she retreated into her own little world of hell. Funny how the mind does that. ...Anyhow, after my mother, OH WOW!, my sisters were with us, hmmm ...Anyhow, after we left , we stopped at a shoe store to buy me a pair of girls shoes, sandals with a small heel, so that I didn't have to wear my boys tennis shoes the next time. Momma was already working me!
...So there you go, my first time out as a girl. My first time out by myself would come two years later, when I bought the first makeup of my very own.
....(Oh, BTW, Cindy was changed to April with the birth of my youngest daughter. It was April for about two years.)


Monday, November 24, 2008

Another sex blog...

A warning: This blog may take on an 'R' rating before it is finished. Proceed with caution.

I have had a love/hate thing going on with my penis all of my life. When your brain tells you that you are female, and pleasure is achieved through the thing that you despise the most about your body, it becomes such a huge problem in your life that you would do anything to erase that problem. When the effects of my abuse of drugs and alcohol stopped my ability to have conventional sex, I was somewhat pleased, but it seems the demon beast will not die a complete death and I am still able to achieve orgasm. However, as always, directly after the dirty deed is done, pleasure achieved, there is that overwhelming guilt that comes from the knowledge that I have used 'it' yet again to pleasure myself. You see my problem. Now, with this transition moving along, not that I foresee a time when I will ever become complete, but if I do I question. Assuming, which I understand is iffy, that orgasm can still be achieved after SRS, will I still have this feeling of guilt? I would hope not, but as with many things on that side of the fence that I do not know, I guess, as others have done, I will plow ahead and deal with the consequences. Could it be worse? Not any of this transition so far has been., maybe just a 'PG' rating. We all can use some parental guidance!
.......(this blog was written late, late, last night, after....)


Sunday, November 23, 2008


Well, it finally happened.

I knew it would.

I've been waiting for it.

It took two years.

There was something written on the men's bathroom wall.

Yep, there it was for all to read.

"Stacy Kinny is a bitch!"

...Dang, I didn't even get an honorable mention!
I sure thought I'd be the first to be written about!


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Black armband...

I was all set to blast the human race with tonight's blog, my faith in it was pretty dismal when I got home. Patty Lou calmed me down some, and then I read some inspiring blogs. I realized that you people who inspired me are part of this group, and I certainly didn't want to include you. So this will only be about the ones I saw at work tonight, a small piece of My world.
...I made myself a black armband today, cut it out of an old headband and sewed the ends together. I even gave thought to what I would say when I was asked why I was wearing it, something short, but to the point, let them get back to work. There were even more people working late than I had anticipated, maybe 40 or so. I was full of hope, I might make a tiny difference. ................Not one person asked one....and in fact I would say they avoided me. Apparently, they are afraid of what a transgendered cleaning lady wearing a black armband will say if they ask her why she's wearing it. The answer could, well, God only knows what she'll say. .....I was hurt, mad, maybe I expected too much. After grumbling about it at Patty Lou when I got home, she put it in perspective for me, "Oh well, you know why you wore it, that's all that counts." .........and it is.


Transgender Day of Remembrance

Since I only know of one other transsexual in Hot Springs, there will be no gathering for the TDOR here. And since the only place that I'll be going tomorrow will be to work, where everyone knows that I'm a transsexual, I've decided that I will be wearing a black arm band. That way when people ask me what it is for I can tell them about the many who have given their life, either by the hand of someone else or their own. There may be a mention of this day on the local news, maybe not, but seeing me and talking to me will be of much greater impact to the ones that know me. There are about 300 people in this plant, and maybe 20 that I will interact with, I hope the word spreads, but at least I will feel that I have contributed my small part in this special day.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Add, a pinch of joy...

In this recipe for this transgendered life of mine, most of the ingredients are the same basic things found in everyone's life. I work, I play, I sleep and do it again the next day. The flour of the cake, so to speak. Mixed in with that flour there are good, sweet, and bad, bitter, ingredients. Bitter, like in last nights post, when the feeling of being all alone becomes, what seems like at the time, too much to bear. And sweet, when I heard my daughter on the phone yesterday include me as, 'one of the cleaning ladies', the first time I ever heard her do that. This good and bad is what makes this cake of life, and all I need to do is to add some frosting to it, maybe decorate it somewhat. Plain cake is alright, but frosted and decorated will make it taste sooo much better.


Sunday, November 16, 2008


I'm all alone, by myself, just me and no one else. How I felt in my teens, is still how I feel to this day. Living in the middle of nowhere, there is no one to cry to, no one to that understands, no one like me. The world is passing me by. People protesting, groups, gatherings, people with causes, all of one mind, one heart. I'm so far away, removed, alone. My friend, my comfort? This keyboard. I need more, a hug, a smile, the sound of laughter.
...For those of you who have someone to transition with, listen to them, embrace them, hold their hand. They need you and you need them. Cherish their friendship. It's no fun being all alone.


Friday, November 14, 2008

Thomas Beatie...

I watched the Barbara Walters interview with Thomas Beatie and family tonight. In it, I didn't find anything that I didn't already know. I've read that in some transgendered circles that they are upset saying that this 'coming out', so to speak, will set back the gay and transsexual cause, I guess meaning that it will slow it down. And I feel it may, somewhat, however over the course of our cause, to be able to live without ridicule, I think it is a good thing. After all, if the slaves didn't come out of the fields, if the gays didn't come out of the closet, if no transsexual was visible, not any of these 'causes' would be as liberated as they are today. I was one who always wanted to be seen, a rock the boat type of person. Granted, it was my need only, I didn't have an agenda. But by me, and many others being visible in the early years of our cause, I think and hope that in some small way we made it easier for the next generation to be themselves. We still have a long way to go, but if the boat doesn't rock, no one listens to the cries for help.
...This is just my opinion, your free to agree or disagree. That's the great thing about America.



In the past 3yrs that I've been on the Internet, ..ya, I was slow to get here, every now and then I try to find what opened my eyes to my GID. ...Let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on way back when. ...(sorry, I just had to do that!) I was 16, sitting in study hall, thumbing through either a Life, or Look magazine, sometime around a '65 edition. Our school library had a large collection of them so the date may be wrong. I wasn't really paying any attention to it, I was just killing time, when what jumps out at me? An article about two transgendered women that had already went through their SRS. ...HOLY CRAP!!! I had already seen the 'shrink' 4 times when I was 14, and he never said a word that it was even possible to do that. (After he fondled me, I refused to see him or anyone else) The story told of how they felt different all their life, the wearing of female clothing, you know, our stories, my story. After reading it, I knew what I was, who I was. To say it changed my life is an understatement. Living with that knowledge turned out to be, well, my difficult life. And now, 38 years later in my quest to understand myself better, I want to read this article again. You have to understand your past if you want to have a good future. So, I'm searching. If anyone knows of this story, I would like to know the mag. and edition, it seems to hold a great importance to me. Thanks


Thursday, November 13, 2008

What's in a name...

So, as you can see, I've started using my real last name. I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, I like that I am if only because I know of no one else with this last name. I'm proud of the name. I'm the last, there'll be no more. My wife is through with that phase in her life, and I don't think I'll be getting pregnant anytime soon! ...But then, using this name, reminds me of all of the hurt I felt because my name WAS different. I wasn't a Smith or a Jones or Bates. (There were a lot of Bates in my school) My name was different. I was different. I was treated different than the rest of 'the boys'. I didn't know why, I just was. And I wasn't proud of my family either. We kept to ourselves. My grandfather was so hot headed (German) that he would fight with everyone. If something didn't go his way, he'd go off. It embarrassed me. My father? Well, he was non existent. He was there, but never said a thing until he was mad. Then whack, on the side of my head. Bad thoughts come to mind seeing my last name. ...But then there is my marriage license, and Patty Lou. We will be together forever, and I know she wants me to keep my last name. She's actually hasn't said one way or the other about me maybe changing my first name, but I think I seen an 'uh oh' on her face when I mentioned it. So that's still a question. I really didn't think nothing about my last name until I saw that that was how my niece had me listed when she emailed me. It struck me funny seeing it, don't know why.
So, mixed emotions. Maybe I should go with only one name, like Cher, or Madonna. After all, 'Just Stephanie' is what I'd tell people when they wanted to know my last name at the bar. They always thought I was a drag queen, and they have last names. Nope, I just dressed like one back then!
Ok, maybe some more thought on this later. I'm noddin' out!


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


So, Thankgiving isn't going to be what I had invisioned, it will still be a good one. I'm going to see that it is. I don't know exactly what we'll do, but maybe it's time we were by ourselves. We never have been. I just hope Patty Lou doesn't make a 20 pound turkey and expect me to eat it! Actually, I'd like to volunteer in a kitchen somewhere. I'll see what she thinks about that. For now, it's time to sleep...


Monday, November 10, 2008

"Looks like it's me and you, Babe"

That's what Patty Lou's first words were when she got home from work today. Meaning that now neither daughter is coming for Thanksgiving dinner. Yep, even the one I work with has let her husband come up with an excuse to not be here. So, I'm good enough to work for him but he won't sit down and eat with me. If I didn't need this job I'd tell everyone where to go. They know how important this holiday is for Patty Lou, but they can't see past me. Needless for me to say, I'm in a real bad way right now. My whole world has bailed on me and it's taking Patty Lou down with me. I can live with it, but the thought of my wife hurting because of me is just too much. She says it's alright, but I know better, she's hurting. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to my old life, I just can't. I want to run, I don't know where, I want to hide, the bottle is calling me. I don't dare answer, I may never return. How can family be so hard when the rest of the world is so easy? I thank God for Patty Lou, I thank God for Patty Lou....

I hate me, and I hate writing this. Sorry...


Friday, November 7, 2008

Patty Lou the psychic!

Today was the first of my two days off, my plans of .......doing nothing came through without a hitch. The only thing I did was remove all the old makeup, (I don't take off the eye makeup during the week) take an hour long bubble bath, shave my legs, wash my hair, and soak. An aromatic candle, some classic rock music, and ...Ahhhhhhh! Wonderfull! So when Patty Lou came home with Subway sandwiches my plan of doing nothing was still intact. We eat, then she looks at me, (I knew what was coming!) and she asks. "Do you want to do our shopping today instead of tomorrow?" I look at her and say, "I really don't want to put on makeup today. I need a day with it off." I get that 'I told ya so' look, a snicker, and nothing more was said. She knew I'd remember telling her years ago that I'd never get tired of wearing makeup, or a bra too, if I was ever able to do it full time. "Oh yes you will," she laughed. And now her prophecy has come true. ....Jees, don't ya just hate it when that happens?!!


Thursday, November 6, 2008

The final straw...

All of my youngest daughters life she has been causing pain in mine and my wife's life. In a way I have come to expect it. Yesterday was yet another time. (See previous blog) I'm sure she will again, but I'm going to attempt to limit the amount of times this happens. No more phone calls, emails, no communication. I'm not going to let her feed me her laughing voice, lulling me into thinking that everything is alright with us, and then stabbing me in the back again. Transition, for me, has been all about self preservation. Simply put, I was very close to not being in this world before I went full time. And although they say you can't die from a broken heart, it certainly drains the life out of you. No more...

.....Cynthia, someday when you read this I hope you understand, your decisions you make cause pain. The influence your prejudiced husband has on you causes pain. I am sorry it came to this.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A falling meteorite hurts...

I know by now to always stay on my guard, and I do try. Always looking behind me, to the left, to the right. Keep focused, something can jump out and get me. That meteorite can smash me flat. Above all else, I can't allow myself to get blinded by the elation of something good, eyes open. Watch out!

...but I did it anyway. I let myself get caught up in the good feeling of yesterdays election and a better government to come, and I let my heart get smashed today by my youngest daughter. I didn't keep my eyes open. She told her mother that she wouldn't be coming from Florida for Thanksgiving, said it was too hard to travel the 600 miles, stay two days, and then go back. She's done it five years previously, with me even going back to boy mode last year to please her. I made it clear that this year I wasn't doing that. So, it's all on me, I'm too repulsive to be looked at. Patty Lou is hurt, my fault, again. It's always my fault. All I want is to be happy with my body, something I know will never happen. The heartaches in life will keep that from ever happening. ...Although it won't be rushed my me, I won't be sorry when death comes. I only pray that my gender problems don't follow me into my next life.

p.s. ...I've read some of your posts tonight, everything is making me cry. I'll comment tomorrow...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Changing times...

In 1966, in Helena, Ark., my grandfathers helper, Sterling Samuels, a black man, sat down in the dining room with my father, grandfather, and me to eat. A woman started screaming the 'n' word and caused so much stink that the sheriff was called. My grandfather argued with both the woman and the sheriff for quite some time with Sterling continuously saying he would eat in the kitchen. Finally, Sterling just went to the kitchen, with me following. He was my friend, I wanted to eat with my friend. We get to the kitchen and what! The cooks are all 50yr old black women. I can guarantee that we ate better than anyone in that restaurant that day, and I wouldn't have wanted to eat what that screaming woman ate!

... It's been a long time since I've said this, I am so proud of this country today. Granted, the black vote was strong, but there are many white people who have overcome their prejudice and voted for Senator/President Obama. I am however disturbed that there weren't more from the southern states. Prejudice still thrives here, including, I'm sorry to say, some in my family. I despise anyone that thinks they are better than someone else.

Tomorrow, I will try to see my friend Sterling. He's out of the construction business and is a Church of Christ preacher. I feel a need to shake his hand.


Monday, November 3, 2008

The going's on...

Do ya know what? Me neither ....but five days without writing something and I feel that I have to sneak in the back door and at least say hello. ...Let's see ...I went to the "every boy who ever wanted to wear a dress party" at the local gay bar Friday. Most of the new girls looked just, well, a mess. There were a few who looked like they could live the rest of their life as female, (I'm so envious!) looks, body movements, demeanor, everything as if they were female all their life. One especially caught my eye, I have a thing for pretty crossdressers, (another story) and she was just beautiful. Anyway ..I'd never seen her before, she was walking around from table to table as though she were lost, so I thought I'd be the one to try and make her feel welcome. (and maybe!) I go over to her, and try and talk to her. She's deaf. This has happened at least a half a dozen times before and each time I get so mad at myself for not taking the time to learn at least enough sign language so I can communicate, well, it just pisses me off. I swear I am going to do this, no more putting it off! Anyway ..we text'd each other, I'm not very good at it, and did get to meet each other. She's straight and didn't want to, ahem! we danced, hugged, and parted. She said she'd come back sometime, but I doubt I'll ever see her again. Halloween, and a lot of alcohol, makes people brave.
Saturday there was a benefit show for the Gay Pride festivities next June, so me and Patty Lou went to that. Everyone was partied out from the night before, so it was a little boring. We gave our money and went home early. A good thing that we did, 'cause I didn't sleep well, even with the extra hour, and had to work yesterday. This 'ol girl can't party like she used to! I was dragging all day. Ten hours of sleep helped for today's meeting of the world!
Today is my usual 'tweez the hairs day', an hour of pulling what pops out on my face. I don't shave, (a very un-feminine necessary) on Sunday since there is no one at work to see me anyway. Not that you can see anything, but I know they are there. The tweezing keeps the more aggressive ones at bay for a week, so with light shaving I'm smooth for the week. Hormones have helped this a lot.
So, in everything else, this girls life is going surprisingly, scarily, great. I don't think near as much as I used to about that meteorite smashing me!


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A question...

Although I'm sure there are probably more than the one other Stephanie 'Stevens' that I have found on the net, (Ab) Normal Heights) I picked that last name out of the blue, I needed a last name, it sounded good. Now I'm thinking about going to my real last name. I have no family to embarrass, no cards to be compromised, no accounts to be plundered. The only person I know of with my last name other than me is my wife Patty Lou. I'm the last and there'll be no more! When, or if, I change my name legally, I will only change my first and second name. Steven Gene to Stephanie Jean. So I ask. Does this sound like a good idea or am I missing something that could bite me in the booty?


Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Just a quick note. For those of you who followed my blog over at y360, my sister and I patched things up. I acknowledged that I got carried away in my email to her blasting her parties platform, or as she put it, "Got my panties in a wad!" And she assured me that she would never kick me to the curb as I was sure she was going to do. And the best thing is, even throughout this spat, she's treating me as her sister. Way cool, huh!


Think positive...

I guess we all do it at some time, we try not to , but it still happens. We meet someone, and even people that we have known for awhile, and assign a 'can and can't do' profile to them. I get this alot now, and I don't like it. People look at me as if I'm telling lies when I say I could build them a house, overhaul an engine, or weld them a bridge over their pond. I guess they assume I'm using brain matter for the construction of my boobs! Not the case, although I have been told that I'm getting really ditzy lately! Hmmm.... Anyhow ...You would think that I wouldn't judge people because of this, but I do, shame on me. ...I have an apology I will make to two of the ladies (60yr olds) that work in accounting when I see them at work tonight. I was finished with the office cleaning last Thursday, except their cubical since they always work late, and when I look down the long hallway I see them sitting on the floor. I thought they were going through some papers, but when I got closer, I see they were reading the instructions for the assembly of a two drawer filing cabinet, screwdrivers, small wrenches, and parts all layed out. While another woman was taking pics on her cell phone, I joked with them about them going to have parts left over and probably a migrane before they would give up, go home, and attack this undertaking again tomorrow. I told them I would come back in about an hour after the plant cleaning and help if they needed it. I thought they would. Well, when I went back the lights were off, the cabinet was together, and I felt like a fool. And I'm going to tell them just that when I see them tonight. I have found, and told people, that there is nothing that I can't do, and if I would have a problem, I'm smart enough to get help in solving it. I should think that of the rest of the people in this world too, stopping my negativity. ...Think positive!


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Transgendered thief...

All of those years that I waited to transition had only one purpose to them, to get to the time when I could transition. Nothing else mattered. I stood on the sideline of life in a drugged and alcoholic stuper waiting. And while I was waiting, a life that I could have been living, maybe even enjoying, passed me by. I didn't go to movies, I didn't go to school functions with my wife and kids, I didn't fish, go bowling, go to fairs, nothing. I stayed home so I could dress, put on makeup, and sit and drink myself into a drunken haze and wait. My wife didn't have a husband and my kids didn't have a father, and I feel so guilty for taking that from them. My waiting to live stole a life that could have been away from them. What a waste. ...There are things that really suck about being transgendered.


Friday, October 24, 2008


Yeah! It's Friday! I'm off work for the next two days, and it couldn't come any sooner. I've been having to do a lot of extra cleaning at work, dusting tops of things, vacuuming corners and under desks, doing things that don't get much attention. It's satisfying to know it's done, but it's also a physical workout for an 'ol girl like me. You want to get in shape? Come walk the 5 or so miles I walk, and then the bending and toteing I do every night. You'd think I would lose weight, but I guess my body is used to it, well, other than the extra stuff. Extra moves parts that usually don't get used, and they are hurting! Oh well, I've two days of recovery time before it starts all over again.
I had a laugh at work last night. The two older ladies (60's) in accounting were talking about a meeting they attended. One of them was describing the others that were there as 'strange', all gussied up with long nails, lot's of make-up, hair piled high. I peeked around the corner and asked. "Karen, stranger than me?" "You should be used to strange by now!" They may have peed their panties laughing! You gotta have fun with this tranny thing. It keeps people at eas with you.

I haven't written much about Patty Lou lately, probably because she's been doing great with her diabeties. I guess they finally have her meds at the proper levels so there's been no more seizures or passing out. I still worry every time I know she's on the road driving. She checks her blood sugar level every time she gets behind the wheel, and it's too costly for me to drive her everywhere, so I'll just have to worry until we can move into town closer to work. 3yrs to wait, then I can sell this place. Maybe the housing mess will be better by then. I hope.

I take a bathroom break and overflow the toilet. Just what I want to do on my day away from cleaning toilets, clean a toilet! Jees...


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ta, Da

You knew it was only a matter of time until I'd show up! I'm just fashionably late!