Sunday, June 28, 2009

An afternoon conversation

I've been grumbling all afternoon.

S: "I need to write something."
P: Whatcha gonna write?"
S: "I don't know."

S: "I need to write something!"
P:"Whatcha gonna write?"

............a few minutes ago
S: "I need to write something!!" "I don't know what."
P: "You need to write a best selling novel!" ass Patty Lou!


Friday, June 26, 2009


I've been stressed about work for the past two weeks. The janitorial contract had to be renegotiated by the company that holds the original contract that we sub for. The plant wants to cut their cleaning costs so their cutting out some of what we do while adding other stuff to it. What they're doing is making a big mess. They're putting in the contract specifically what, when, and how often everything is to be done. What that means is, if Mr. Don down in engineering spills his coffee in the hallway, as he is prone to do, I won't be obligated to clean it up until the day I'm suppose to mop. (every two weeks!!!) ( I do it weekly now, and spot mop daily.) There is other stuff just as stupid as that. The place is going to get nasty! We worked three years to get this plant where we get compliments from visiting companies about it's cleanliness, now it's going to become a mess again, all to save about 36k a year. A multi-million dollar company trying to save 36k. Stupid. They don't understand that when company comes and sees a mess, they won't be staying long. And they'll take their work contract with them. Goodbye dollars!
I'll just do what they tell me. When they have to renegotiate next year, I'll clean up the mess then.

Yay, the weekend is here!

Monday, June 22, 2009

I must be invisable

My youngest downloaded 116 pictures that she took while she was here visiting this weekend. There's not one of me.

Here's one I took.

Stephanie & Patty Lou

Sunday, June 21, 2009

My fathers day thoughts...

I had to work today, fathers day, which was alright. I didn't mind working. My oldest daughter was with me 3 of the seven hours I worked, although there was no 'happy fathers day' said to me. She did leave it on a note explaining what she had cleaned and where. "Happy Fathers Day, ...c u tomorrow". To be fair, she did get her mother and me a hefty gift card for our favorite restaurant for both mothers day and fathers day combined. Oh, and she threw in our anniversary too. It was said back then.

My youngest daughter and granddaughter will be leaving here in the morning. Between her vacation and Patty Lou's vacation, I'm in need of a vacation! This girl is too old to play tourist for two days in the heat. And then I had to work today. I need a rest! I haven't heard a 'happy fathers day' out of her either, although she said it last night when she took us out to dinner.

...but that's alright. I understand.

My grandfather went to work, came home, sat and did nothing with my father. My father went to work, came home, sat watching TV and did nothing with me. I had to do them both one up. I went to work, sometimes. Those sometimes I didn't, I stayed home and played dress up and drank beer. I sat and watched TV and did nothing with my girls.

...when I was forming this to write, I first thought, "I'm glad I had daughters instead of sons". .....And then it hit me. They both married men who don't know how to be fathers. The pattern is continuing....

....3 hours later: If someone could tell me how to keep my mind from wandering into these dark corners, I would be most appreciative.

Friday, June 19, 2009

My Plan B!

With my youngest daughter and granddaughter in town, I played tourist all day. There will be more pics to come, but for now, can someone tell me why they would have a large replica of a grenade in front of one of our famous bathhouses?


Thursday, June 18, 2009

I have a therapist

Sometimes things just seem to fall into place for me.

While I was at work tonight, Patty Lou called to tell me that the clinic had called wanting to know if I could get to a 7:30 appointment. They had a cancellation and if I wanted it I should come in. I hate leaving work and then having to go back to it, but since the Dr. is only there once a month on Wednesday night, I decided to go. And OMG am I glad I did!

This is not just another therapist. She is a teaching psychiatrist at the University of Arkansas Medical Center! She just wanted to meet me tonight. She asked about my meds, which she is going to change. She has a support group of seven of us girls that I'm going to become part of. She's talking about testing my hormone levels, and even a gender marker test to see just what my x's and y's are saying about me. In her teaching, she wants me, ME! to become a show-and-tell subject for her class! I don't know if I can do that. As I've said before, I'm not one that can get up on stage in front of people. But who knows, I may just let her push me. I need someone with a cattle prod to get me going.

Girls, I thought going through this free clinic I'd get a therapist like all of the rest that I've seen, clueless, especially when it comes to gender disorders. She knows her business, so much so that it scares me somewhat. I was looking for a slow pony and got a fast racehorse! Now all I have to do is hang on to the reigns and ride!


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Rant, stand clear!

Since one thought doesn't stay with me for more than a second, here's a few seconds of frustration, aggravation, and down right pissiness.

Today would have been my mothers birthday. I used to wish she was here so I could say, 'I told you so'. Now I would only tell her I was sorry for causing her so much grief.

Tomorrow is my 36th wedding anniversary. I'd like to have about 34 of them back so I could be a better husband to Patty Lou. I see in her face what me being an ass all those years has done to her.

Patty Lou is on vacation this week. She's planned hers, (and my) week with too many 'go to town' things to do. YooHoo, I have a schedule!

My youngest daughter and granddaughter are driving up from Florida tomorrow. They are staying until Monday with a weekend full of tourist stuff to do. There are already hints from my oldest that she and her husband are going to be vying for her attention. Add to that, my oldest granddaughter who lives up here, is coming out Saturday to see her mother and sister. Her mother has never paid a bit of attention to her, leaving her with her grandmother and father.... Arrrgghhh, tension.

My dog has some kind of itchy skin thing going on that he contracted when he went and got his summer hair cut. His scratching has my already frazzled nervous system doing flip-flops. Patty Lou is at the vet today.

Depending on where you are, later this evening look in the direction toward Arkansas. The sky will be glowing from the intense inferno caused when my head explodes in a fiery crash of electrified nerves.

Breathe, breathe in the air...


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Patty Lou, 1974

A picture? A thousand words? ...not enough

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dead head...

OK, so I've given this anti-depressant Seroquel two weeks to do its thing. My sleep hours are restless, my awake hours are lifeless, and tomorrow I'm suppose to double the dose. No way. ....No more Seroquel.

As soon as I can get an appointment I'll see what the Dr. wants to do. Since it's a free clinic, he's limited in the medication he can prescribe. Nothing would be better than this.

Sorry I haven't been active around here, especially in commenting on your stuff. I've been a bit of a mushroom lately.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

They weren't the fashion police!

Just when I was looking for something to write about....

It was Patty Lou's Saturday to work a half day, so I made my pilgrimage into town to meet her at Wal*Mart a little after noon. I went a little early today so I could look at anniversary cards, Thursday it will be 36 years married for us. So anyway, I was in the store for 30 mins. or so, wandering around after I bought the card, and then went up front to the Subway sandwich place to sit and wait for her. I waited about 10 mins., then we went on our normal tour of the store getting everything we need for the week. 15 mins. into shopping, Patty Lou's looking at cake mixes, I wander ahead of her a ways. I look to the end of the isle and see two police officers, a man and a woman, talking with one of the managers, all of them sneaking looks at me. Now, I'm accustom to people looking at me, so I didn't think much about it. But then they start walking toward me. WTF?, goes through my head. They come up to me and she says, "We have a report that you were seen with a gun in your purse." I wish I'd been able to come up with a witty line for a comeback, but I've never had someone ask me if I had a gun in my purse, so all I could say was, "Meeee?" She goes on to say that someone reported seeing a woman in a pink top and pink hat and they saw she had a gun in her purse. "Well it wasn't me!", and I dropped my blue jean purse from my shoulder and opened it to let her look. She did a quick glance in it, never looking in either of the two side pockets. Mr. policeman had to be a smart ass and say, "It must have been another girl in a pink shirt and cap." I wanted to tell him that it just might me someone pulling his chain, or someone thought it would be fun to harass the tranny, but I didn't. She said, "sorry for the intrusion", and they walked away. Having seen all this in front of her, Patty Lou was still looking at the cake mixes, never giving even the slightest hint that she was with me. (Gee thanks, Patty Lou!) After I tell her what they wanted, and an initial "What!", she thought it was funny, and I guess it was. Just not so much when it's happening to you!


Thursday, June 11, 2009

OMG! I think she killed him!

This post will surely cause you to think I need a padded cell and extensive in-house therapy. And you may be right. The Army did diagnose me with schizophrenia!

All of my life leading to transition, I felt that I was two halves. When I would look in the mirror I would see two halves, the left side being female having more feminine characteristics than the male right side. I was told by Patty Lou and others that I had a different personality that went with each half, although I never thought I did. I was just being me at all times. I did realize long ago that those two halves were at war with each other, both of them seeking dominance over the other. Each half was struggling to survive, neither having enough attention because of the time spent on the other. Well, it looks as though the old girl stayed in the fight long enough until that male half was so beat down and weak that he threw in the towel.

Yesterday, sitting down at the mirror getting ready to put on my make-up for work, I realized there wasn't two halves looking at me anymore, and that I'd not seen that male half in a long time. I don't know exactly when, how, or why it happened, but somewhere along this journey I became whole, one. I think that this joining of the halves is what is making me see life now as so boring. Leading two lives, I had twice the stimulation, and half the time to get bored. (OK, bring on the strait jacket!)

The parts still aren't right, and the junk inside my head is spinning like debris in a tornado, but living as only one is what has made my life much easier. Now all I need to do is find something to keep this girl occupied so she isn't bored.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Meds re-organisation

My mother was quite progressive in her taste in music. The first album I remember her turning me on to was, In-a-godda-da-vida, by Iron Butterfly. That kinda knocked me for a loop. Then she brought home the Steppenwolf album featuring the song 'The Pusher', a song about an addict damning his drug dealer. I never thought I would ever associate the song with my Dr., but he is no more than a drug dealer, as I'm beginning to think most Drs. are. They put you on a drug and send you out the door knowing that it is going to put you face down in the dust. Then when you come back to them complaining that you don't like being dinged out all the time, they act upset that you didn't like their "cure". I never was one that liked the downer type of drugs, I always wanted something to get me up, keep me awake to party more. This Seroquel has turned my brain to mush. I can't think, I'm not interacting with people, my wife included, and I basically feel like a blob of poo. I'd rather have high highs and low lows than to be stuck in a constant low. And to top it off, the sleep that I am getting is restless, nightmarish sleep that leaves me tired anyway. Add to that, the high dose of Naproxen that I'm on for my arthritis is tearing my stomach up. Something has to change. I'm to a point where I think it's time to throw away all the drugs, clean my system out, and start over. Can you say cold turkey? Look out world, the bitch is coming back.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Life, staring...

Your name in lights on the marque.
Or how about a full page in the local newspaper.
Or maybe your picture on the post office wall?
How do you get your spotlight to shine on you?
I found an easy way to do it.
It's simple.
I'm just Stephanie.
For you see, the people who have met me will meet hundreds of people in their lifetime, but you can be sure that I will stand out in their mind and I will never be forgotten.

I'll try to set a good example.


Friday, June 5, 2009


Holy molely! After talking to a friend of mine at work last night, (she scared the pee-water out of me!) I did some research on the drug my Dr. has changed me to for sleep. Seroquel is a heavy hitter when it comes to drugs. It's used primarily for bipolar disorders, but wikipedia did say that it was prescribed off market for sleep disorders too, with all sorts of other uses that I have symptoms of. The only thing I don't like about it is that it gives you a morning pill hangover. I'm on 25mg. now and I'm suppose to gradually increase the dose up to 100mg. over the next month. At that dose I'll be in the prone position on the floor unable to move!
Welcome to the land of the Zombie! Gee, all I wanted was to be able to sleep.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Just learning

Like all of you girls on this journey, I have intently studied women. Throughout the years, I have studied how they walk, talk, and move gracefully about, so that if or when I was ever able to present my female self I'd be ready. I studied. I didn't learn a thing. Let me explain.
When all that studying was going on, I was doing it from a completely different perspective. That testosterone influenced male shadow of a being looked at women differently that this estrogen influenced one does. The women in turn acted differently to that male than they do this female. I'm having to learn an entire new set of rules when it comes to interacting with women. One thing that I've noticed is that women turn and look you in the eye when they talk with you. They have genuine interest in what you are saying and when you see them again, they will ask you to give an update on the subject. Men could care less about what you are talking about. They continue doing what they were doing never looking at you, and all but ignoring you. These are all generalisations, so don't any of you caring , cuddly men get all crazy on me. ...Oooo, a caring, cuddly man all crazy on me! mmmm ...Where was I
Anyhow, ..Interacting with women as a woman is a lot different than it was before this change. I'll be glad when I'm more proficient at it. I have time to learn, the rest of my life.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

06-02-09, just another day

I had my Dr.'s appointment today. It was just a renewal of my meds, or it was supposed to be. When I started telling him how I've been feeling lately, he decided to change two of my meds. I'm on a different anti-depressant for sleep now, Seroquel. I have to graduate the dose over the next month. We'll see how this one does.
Also, he took me off my Arthrotec, and now just has me on a strong dose of Naproxen. Arthritis sucks!
The best news though is that they, the nearly free clinic, has just found a psychologist that is trying to get volunteers for therapy services. This clinic is an all volunteer thing so the people there are volunteers who care about you, they are not just there to draw a paycheck. Since it's new, there's a waiting list, I was told maybe even a two month wait. But hey, transgender girl here, here being Arkansas. You don't get to council one everyday. Better get her while you can! ....ah gee, I'm feelin' better already. Can you tell?
I had one of those hated moments today on the way home. A hose on my old truck burst forcing me to play parking lot mechanic, at Exxon no less. Steaming hot, I pulled off the small hose, cut it a little shorter and put it back on. I'd like to thank all those handsome delivery truck drivers, satellite installers, and yard men that watched me do it. I needed an audience. ...Chivalry is dead.
That took up all of my morning and half of the afternoon. After getting home and eating, well, I guess it's called breakfast if it's your first meal, I said hi to Patty Lou when she got home as I walked out the door to go to work. I hate days like that. Let's see. Tomorrows list of things to do? .....Lay in the sun!