Sunday, September 26, 2010

An attempt to write

Here it is 12:30am and even after taking my sleep meds 2 hours ago I'm still awake. I'm back to sleeping only 3 or 4 hours a night again. But if they up my meds I'll have a pill hangover in the mornings that I don't like, so, what's a girl to do.

Yesterday (Sat) was Patty Lou's birthday. Her friends from work took her out to eat lunch and then me and her went to her favorite place for dinner. We went there a lot when I was "full time" and the wait staff only knew me as Stephanie. I kept praying that nobody that knew me would see me in my drab self but of course that didn't work out. It went fine 'til we were ready to leave and then a waitress came up behind me and said "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile." I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. This back to drab presentation is so hard to do. And really the only thing that is keeping me from being full time again is my hair. During my severe depression last winter my hair became even thinner than it was. Now I absolutely have to wear a wig. I hate that. And yes I know there are many women that have to wear wigs, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them. It is just getting my mind to accept that realization that's holding me back. Both my dr. and Patty Lou are encouraging me to do so, so I'm going to try and get back to "normal" soon. I'd better. This de-transitioning thing is not going to work for me. I see that. After 3yrs. of being full time you can't go back. Your a changed person. The cork is off the bottle.



Leslie Ann said...

I suspect your sleeping will improve when you start presenting as yourself again.

I hear ya regarding the wig. I wish there were some way to go without, and I feel it would be a huge barrier if I transitioned. Yes, stress does make your hair fall out. Not a wives' tale.

Happy happy to Patty Lou. Glad that you have people encouraging you. Listen to 'em.

Always good to see you online, Steph!

Melissa said...

Oh, Stephanie sweetie! It's so nice to hear from you again! I've been so worried about you. I wanted to email you, but after a couple of attempts, I thought it best to leave you to your own plans.

You don't have to convince me about wearing a wig. I am completely bald, and have to wear a wig every day, so I share your concern.

Thanks so much for coming back to us! You know how much we all love you! Please don't be a stranger anymore. :-)

A great big hug!
Melissa XOXO

Common Teri said...

Good to hear from you again. Sorry life has been depressing. I'm taking an anti depressant which helps a lot.

Been thinking about detransitioning myself for a number of reasons but have yet to work up the courage. Spent some time visiting my mom's as a man and it didn't feel so bad. Part of the problem is now wondering if my boss will freak if I do.

I worry about falling into deep depression. Trying to focus on the things I liked about being a guy. It seems possible and an all over easier life. Plus my hair has been receding again since cutting way back on hormones. So I can relate to that.

Getting a haircut Wednesday been debating whether to go for a male cut. Fighting one's body when it wants to be male is tiring. I'm sick of the pills. Sick of shaving, tucking, bras, condesending male assholes, trying to look presentable, remembering to keep my femme voice up, and even though it seems I pass OK I still sometimes wonder if people see me as a woman or the town tranny.

Honestly Steph I'm not so sure it's worth the hassle.