Original Blog

Thanks to Calie, I now have my original blog, "Stephanie ...The Prequel" back. Take a look.

An old new blog

I've had to start over on a blog I had a few years ago. When I suffered my severe bout of depression I deleted it and can't find it again. (Thanks Calie for trying to help)

It's name is, 'The Prequel', about my early memories of feeling different and then finally realizing I am transsexual. I started it today and will try to post regularly.

Stephanie

Ho hum humdrum

I have a deep sense of remorse for not writing in this blog like I did before the big depression set in. I would write nearly everyday, mundane things mostly, (like this!) observations at best. When the depression finally lifted I got back on here and tried to write but the words just don't come as they did. Even now after a year of being "better" I still find it hard to find anything that needs to be said here. I've become a housewife who only ventures outside the house on Friday to get groceries or go to the many doctor visits that I have. I'm back to being "full time" but that doesn't mean what it did when I was working. My full time then meant make-up all the time, interacting with hundreds of people, and generally having a bounce in my step and a happy face on my face. Now it's a once a week trip to town. At home, I just don't see a point in sitting here in full face for no reason. Other housewives don't, why should I? I know I should get out more but the trip to town is a 45min. journey and dealing with the only decent car we have means getting up at 5:30am and taking my wife to work, and well, I am NOT a morning person! (excuses) We are slowly getting our bills paid off so we can sell our place and move to town, maybe next spring. My health isn't going to ever be good enough to hold down a job again but maybe a volunteer job would get me out and about. I need that inter-action.

Well, this writing (if you can call it that) just seems too mundane (as I said) to be anything I'd like to post but I have to put something here.

Life IS good!

Stephanie

Ps: I'm on Facebook a lot now. I don't have to hold a thought as long there! lol
Pss: A very few of you might remember a second blog I had here, Stephanie...the Prequel. I stupidly deleted it (about 18 months ago) and now would like to know if and how I can get it back. Probably not, huh! dumb

Steppenwolf Lyrics

Taken from the song Monster/Suicide/America

"...The spirit was freedom and justice
And it's keepers seem generous and kind
It's leaders were suppose to serve the country
But now they won't pay it no mind
'Cause the people grew fat and lazy
And now their vote is a meaningless joke
They babble about law and order
But it's all just an echo of what they've been told
Yeah, there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sits there watchin'

Our cities have turned into jungles
And corruption is strangling the land
The police force is watchin' the people
And the people just can't understand
We don't know how to mind our own business
'Cause the whole world has to be just like us
Now we are fighting a war over there
No matter who's the winner
We can't pay the cost
'Cause there's a monster on the loose
It's got our heads into a noose
And it just sit's there watchin'

America where are you now?
Don't you care about your sons and daughters?
Don't you know we need you now?
We can't fight alone against the monster

Taking the T out of GLBT

A good idea or bad?

There are a lot of T's out there ready to break away from the gay community. They want the T to stand alone since it is about gender and not about sexual preference. I understand their position.
However......................
Both transsexuals and gay people start off in the closet trying to keep everyone from finding out that they are people with a secret. Most gay people try to keep their sexual preference hidden, transsexuals their belief that they are of the wrong body. Most will have a "coming out" experience at some point in their life with similar reactions to their secret. The difference is that when gay people come out they stay out. The "cure" for them is the coming out, the not hiding any more. A transsexuals coming out is just a starting point for finding that balance between body and mind. And, if they are lucky enough to have the financial means, family support, and courage to reach the end of their journey, then some return to a stealth mode where no one knows their past history. They go back into the closet, so to speak. I understand their reasoning, I really do. But until the ranks of transsexuals who stand up with pride and let their stories be told publicly becomes larger, transsexuals better stay connected to the GLB. There simply are not enough transsexuals willing to be put into the spotlight to make their cause effective.

Just my opinion...........

Stephanie

If us adults can't play nice together, then how do we expect our children to play nice?

What could go wrong?

Not all transitions go as planned, not that I really had a plan, I live day to day. So on January 3rd, 2006 when I took my first hormone pill, I thought to myself,"let's see what happens". I knew I was transsexual all my life so this finally felt like I was doing something about this situation. Six months into HRT I was a much happier person. That gnawing in me that kept telling me I was female abated somewhat but was still there. My only plan at that time was to keep working as a man (welder) and only tell people I trusted that I was on hormones. Well, you know how that goes sometimes. Tell one and it spreads like wildfire. On the start of my eighth month on HRT I was fired. I was good at what I did but my trans status wasn't accepted. They knew about my cross-dressing but couldn't handle hearing that I was transsexual. I tried to move on looking for work. After two months of being unemployed my daughter who owned a very small janitorial service (four of us) said I could come work for her. I went to work at a airplane parts manufacturing plant. I presented male for about a month until I decided to wear "just a little" make-up. Nobody called me out on it so little by little it got heavier. Earrings, bra, and female clothes were next. Most of the men in the plant didn't talk to me, some snide remarks were heard, but the women were very welcoming. Of course they asked the usual questions. Why? Are you going all the way? Are you gay?What does your wife think about it? I'd give them the "transsexual 101" lesson and tried to educate them as best I could. A lot of us became work friends and a few became close work friends. It wasn't all roses in the workplace though. There were people in upper management who were not liking my being there but I believe they thought they couldn't discriminate against me so they let me be until it was time for my daughter to renew the cleaning contract. They took the bid but made sure another cleaning company got the contract.

July 28th 2009 at 5:30am my wife fell off the steps leading into our house and broke her ankle which would take 7 months to heal. On the same day I found out that in a month I'd be out of work. Talk about a bad day! Phew

The next six months I spent taking care of my wife and looking for work. "Stephanie" couldn't find work. We lived on $140 dollars a week of unemployment benefits, first mine then hers, and food stamps. By the time she healed enough to go back to work, my nervous system was going haywire. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, but apparently the wrong ones. My depression had me at the door of suicide. If my wife wouldn't have taken the bullets from my gun I would not be here. I sat in my recliner with a blanket pulled up to my chin. Six months later and finally getting the right drugs my depression subsided but "Stephanie" had not been seen in over 8 months. I just did not feel the same as I did before all this happened. It may be the depression or it may be the drugs that have kept me from finding her all this time, but ever so slowly I'm getting back to being myself again.

I have a therapist appointment on Aug. 10th and plan on going as my true self for the first time since all this happened. It's going to be hard to do, but it's time. It certainly won't be as hard as the last two years.

This is just my story, your transition my be smooth sailing throughout. I just want transitioning girls to see that even a flawless transition can abruptly change.

Stephanie