Thursday, August 4, 2011

What could go wrong?

Not all transitions go as planned, not that I really had a plan, I live day to day. So on January 3rd, 2006 when I took my first hormone pill, I thought to myself,"let's see what happens". I knew I was transsexual all my life so this finally felt like I was doing something about this situation. Six months into HRT I was a much happier person. That gnawing in me that kept telling me I was female abated somewhat but was still there. My only plan at that time was to keep working as a man (welder) and only tell people I trusted that I was on hormones. Well, you know how that goes sometimes. Tell one and it spreads like wildfire. On the start of my eighth month on HRT I was fired. I was good at what I did but my trans status wasn't accepted. They knew about my cross-dressing but couldn't handle hearing that I was transsexual. I tried to move on looking for work. After two months of being unemployed my daughter who owned a very small janitorial service (four of us) said I could come work for her. I went to work at a airplane parts manufacturing plant. I presented male for about a month until I decided to wear "just a little" make-up. Nobody called me out on it so little by little it got heavier. Earrings, bra, and female clothes were next. Most of the men in the plant didn't talk to me, some snide remarks were heard, but the women were very welcoming. Of course they asked the usual questions. Why? Are you going all the way? Are you gay?What does your wife think about it? I'd give them the "transsexual 101" lesson and tried to educate them as best I could. A lot of us became work friends and a few became close work friends. It wasn't all roses in the workplace though. There were people in upper management who were not liking my being there but I believe they thought they couldn't discriminate against me so they let me be until it was time for my daughter to renew the cleaning contract. They took the bid but made sure another cleaning company got the contract.

July 28th 2009 at 5:30am my wife fell off the steps leading into our house and broke her ankle which would take 7 months to heal. On the same day I found out that in a month I'd be out of work. Talk about a bad day! Phew

The next six months I spent taking care of my wife and looking for work. "Stephanie" couldn't find work. We lived on $140 dollars a week of unemployment benefits, first mine then hers, and food stamps. By the time she healed enough to go back to work, my nervous system was going haywire. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, but apparently the wrong ones. My depression had me at the door of suicide. If my wife wouldn't have taken the bullets from my gun I would not be here. I sat in my recliner with a blanket pulled up to my chin. Six months later and finally getting the right drugs my depression subsided but "Stephanie" had not been seen in over 8 months. I just did not feel the same as I did before all this happened. It may be the depression or it may be the drugs that have kept me from finding her all this time, but ever so slowly I'm getting back to being myself again.

I have a therapist appointment on Aug. 10th and plan on going as my true self for the first time since all this happened. It's going to be hard to do, but it's time. It certainly won't be as hard as the last two years.

This is just my story, your transition my be smooth sailing throughout. I just want transitioning girls to see that even a flawless transition can abruptly change.



Lori D said...

Thank you for sharing this, Steph. I remember how concerned many of us were for you when this happened. You even stopped blogging for a time and that was even more concerning. You've bravely shared some intimate details of your trials and I applaud you for that.

The two words that hit me most here are: true self. You've always known who you are and have done everything in your power to move forward. Bless you.

Cynthia said...

Hi Stephanie,

I'm new to your blog, and girl do I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

I can certainly identify with the unemployment thing. I've been out of work for 18 months now myself. All I can say is have faith as I do. I believe the Lord has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and wait on Him. I will add you to my daily prayer list, and I'll be praying for your therapist appointment.

Blessings, Prayers, and Hugs,


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