Saturday, November 7, 2009

Bits of life, such as it is.

The new higher dose of my anti-depression drug is not working for me. The depression isn't quite as bad, but now I have no feelings at all. My ambition to do anything, anything at all, has left me too. I sit like a zombie planted in front of the television. Even sitting here checking out how you, "the girls", are doing hasn't been interesting me, and that's way different from me being my normal self. I'm quite the curious type. (OK, I'm a nosey person!) My writing has dwindled to a trickle, not that I have anything to say, but that never stopped me before. Commenting on your posts has all but stopped too, and I'm very sorry for that. I just can't hold a thought long enough to form an opinion about anything. I have an appointment with my therapist in 9 days and I hope I can get through to her the importance of my HRT and my need to at least cut way back on this dose of Invega or stop it all together. I feel that if I can get back to my full dose of HRT, I wouldn't be needing an anti-depressant, and especially this one that's prescribed for bi-polar patients. Why she thought I needed that I don't know. I'm believing like some of you that I'm being used as a guinea pig being used for research. Well, it's time for the experiment to be over, I need my emotions back, even if some of them are bad. Not feeling is just as bad.

On a better note, Patty Lou is pushing herself pretty hard to get back to walking again. She tells me that there's just a lot of stiffness to her ankle and very little pain, but I know she's pushing herself so she can get back to work. She's the one that deals with the bills and she knows how deep of a hole we are in. My job search continues. Putting applications in gives me less and less hope that I'll get a job as Stephanie, I see the look in their eyes. ..."YOU want a job, like that?" ...It gets very discouraging.

I don't watch much football, but my Arkansas Razorbacks may have a chance to beat South Carolina so I'll be watching that this morning. Pre-game is coming up soon. Bye for now.



Keri Renault said...

We have to be our own best advocates when it comes to health care. Frustrating for sure, Steph.

Could you get a second opinion from another doc regarding prescriptions? I'm not sure about bipolar drugs---but have you discussed Lexapro? Great for depression (which can be brought about BY HRT). Go figure.

Easy on yourself, girl. Good luck to your Razorbacks. Now back to my Wisconsin Badgers. Go BUCKY:)

alan said...

I'll root for your Razorbacks...I stayed on their campus once many years ago before I marched in a parade with a Navy band...

I hope you aren't being used as someone's test and they just missed the right drug or dosage!

Thinking of you...


chrissie said...

That's one reaosn I soon dropped the anti-depressants wehn I was out of things with stress, back around the millenium years.

They took away all the emotions and dirve that I actually needed to pull myself out of the crap sitiation I was in.

It was a vicious circle.

After a couple of months on them, I just threw them out and instead smoked more. Not ideal, but at least I didn't feel like one of the Undead all the time.


Melissa said...

It seems that a lot of people who are prescribed anti-depressants hate to take them, because the feelings of lethargy they bring on. My brother-in-law was prescribed anti-depressants, but he hates to take them, because over the course of his life, he has become psychologically addicted to feeling amped up all of the time, and they mute that feeling. We can always tell when he isn't taking them, because he becomes very obnoxious, and appears to enjoy conflict. It's a shame they can't come up with a drug that just puts you on an even keel, instead of zoning you out. Maybe it's just a matter of getting the dosage right.

I don't know how much luck you will have getting your therapist to change your script. Free clinics are often limited in what they can do, and the drugs they can prescribe. You've been through a long spell of bad luck lately, Stephanie. I hope things soon start looking up for you!

Melissa XXOO

Calie said...

Steph, I read blogs whether or not I receive comments from the author on my own blog. Even if you never comment again on my blog, you are stuck with me as a reader of yours, girlfriend.

I do hope you can get off of the anti-depressant. I have seen those close to me on incorrect doses turn into zombies. Not good. Hopefully, what little you currently have to spend can go toward the hormones you so need.

Tell Patty Lou I am routing for her to get back to her job.

Don't know anything about football, but I guess I'll hope the Razorbacks have a winning season.

Calie xxx

Lucy said...

I think you are a very brave person
the day to day functions like work is one of the hardest part for us when we transtion, and especially if a new job is being looked for.
I hope everything did go well for you and that you were able to go back to your true gender again