Sunday, November 1, 2009

Costumed confusion

Since I've been in the gray funk of depression for some time now, I should have stayed home and played on this computer. Instead, I went out to the bar to see all the ghouls and goblins. Patty Lou was almost pushing me out of the house to get me to go, telling me I need to get out. I guess she's getting tired of seeing me down and is trying to fix me. A job would fix it.

Anyway, I sat at the bar watching people having fun. Every now and then someone would come by and chat a few minutes, most asking where my costume was or how come I didn't get dressed up. I've always had a hard time with Halloween costumes, always wanting something with a WOW, sexy look to it, and then when dressed, it fizzled in my eyes. I've gone sans costume more than dressed up. Oh, I'd dress as a girl, but my usual girl stuff. I did the same last night. Jeans and a pink hoodie. After being asked where my costume was, I couldn't help but wonder if what I wear daily isn't just a costume that I hide behind. That thought will take more soul searching than I have patience for right now. ...I guess I could wash ALL the make-up off and ask myself that question again. Trouble is, I don't like seeing myself like that, and I certainly don't like presenting myself like that. That's just not right though. I should be able to see myself as female without all the crutches. ..........It's all too much to think about now.


1 comment:

Calie said...

You have it all wrong. You're not hiding now. The costumes you were hiding behind were the guy clothes you wore for so many years.

I hope you find a job, Steph.

Calie xxx