Sunday, October 3, 2010

Is it over?

During my 30+ years of being a weekend girl I could always see the potential of what I could be if I only did a little "fixing" of my looks. Nothing major, just a few tweaks. When I went full time living female for 3 years I felt that I still had time to look like what I could only say as more feminine. I still saw the potential there. Now that I've gone back to living as a male for the last 9 months all I've seen is this ugly, old face staring at me in the mirror. I can not see any potential of anything even remotely feminine looking back at me. I don't know why, I used to see it even when I didn't have my make-up on. But it's gone. I desperately want to get back to being myself, Stephanie, because I know that I will never be happy again unless I return to presenting as female. It is not like I'll ever be able to be complete, but that's alright, I just need people to see me as female. It confirms what is in my head. My brain is female.
Now you would think that someone who always lived by the rule of "just do it" would be able to sit down at the mirror, put on their make-up, change clothes into something more feminine, and see how they feel about themselves. It's not that easy. I have a fear of the what if. What if I do that and then I see looking back at me the face of a man wearing make-up? The "man in a dress" thing. Seeing that will mean the end of "Stephanie". I don't think I could survive that, so maybe it is better if I don't even try. But still my GID remains. I feel like I've turned down a one way street that has a sign saying "dead end". What to do, What to do?



Michelle Marie said...

No matter how bad you may think you look or how many what ifs you think about, you will never be able to silence the female inside you. We cannot worry about the rest of the world. There are simply too many other people out there to deal with. The only person you have control over is you. You ARE female no matter how you present to the outside world. You need to do whatever will make YOU happy. No woman is ever perfect. You should realize that simple "flaw" makes you just like any other "real" woman out there.

Don't give up on the person you know you are on the inside. The outside will catch up eventually.

Angel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Caroline said...

As I read this I kept glancing at your profile picture and wishing that I could look that good most days.

It is hard to read about you being in this hole but from where out are you have to start climbing out to see the sunshine. I was in that hole for decades and often wanted to give up the struggle to get out but what joy having made it. Totally broke but out!

Caroline xxx

LeAnne said...


Don't look at yourself in such a negative way sweetie. If you are having 'trouble' with seeing yourself as more feminine in the mirror.
Then close your eyes.

Imagine how you feel!! You feel the woman you are! You exume woman! You see what you are seeing because you are looking at the negatives. Don't do that.

If you want to have people see you as whom you are, you have to feel it inside you. It's there. It has never left!

Think positive!! When you are happy, others are happy. When you are sad, others are sad. When you see yourself feminine, others will see you as feminine.

It's only a dead end road because you make it that.

I see a big u turn at the end of the road with a sign saying..

"Right this way, Ma'am!"

Melissa said...


Without my wig and makeup, I'm a fright. I look like my father, and it's hard to reconcile that image with what I feel on the inside. With my wig and make up on, my reflection in the mirror matches the way I feel inside and I feel much better about myself.

It hasn't been that long, Stephanie. You couldn't possibly have changed all that much. Put your feminine clothes and makeup on girl! You have denied yourself for too long. It's time to let Stephanie back out of the closet.

Melissa XX

alan said...

I never ever saw you as a "man in a dress"...



Common Teri said...

Stephanie, I wish I could just give you a big hug. Some days all I see is the man in the mirror too. Days when I look in the mirror and think who are you trying to kid, you could never be a woman.

I told this to a woman friend who is not what you'd call pretty at all. In fact to see her without makeup she is not just plain but a quite homely. Yet she can be amazingly beautiful too. She told me each morning before going to work she has to put on the queen.

A mirror ritual of making herself feel and look beautiful by putting on attractive clothes and makeup. It works!

Sometimes the beauty within needs a little encouragement and help getting out. Stephanie you are fully capable of being beautiful inside and out. Maybe it's time you remind yourself.

hugs, Teri