During my 30+ years of being a weekend girl I could always see the potential of what I could be if I only did a little "fixing" of my looks. Nothing major, just a few tweaks. When I went full time living female for 3 years I felt that I still had time to look like what I could only say as more feminine. I still saw the potential there. Now that I've gone back to living as a male for the last 9 months all I've seen is this ugly, old face staring at me in the mirror. I can not see any potential of anything even remotely feminine looking back at me. I don't know why, I used to see it even when I didn't have my make-up on. But it's gone. I desperately want to get back to being myself, Stephanie, because I know that I will never be happy again unless I return to presenting as female. It is not like I'll ever be able to be complete, but that's alright, I just need people to see me as female. It confirms what is in my head. My brain is female.
Now you would think that someone who always lived by the rule of "just do it" would be able to sit down at the mirror, put on their make-up, change clothes into something more feminine, and see how they feel about themselves. It's not that easy. I have a fear of the what if. What if I do that and then I see looking back at me the face of a man wearing make-up? The "man in a dress" thing. Seeing that will mean the end of "Stephanie". I don't think I could survive that, so maybe it is better if I don't even try. But still my GID remains. I feel like I've turned down a one way street that has a sign saying "dead end". What to do, What to do?