Monday, February 21, 2011

Searching in the Lost and Found

Well, as the picture shows, I tried to "find" myself today. I didn't, it all felt so awkward. Every step of my make-up process felt like I was putting make-up on a face that it just didn't belong on. I can't understand why it felt like that. It used to feel soo right. I haven't tried being 'Stephanie' since the start of '10. I knew that the make-up wouldn't go on easy like it did when I wore it everyday. There were times when I was just a weekend girl that I would go for a few weeks without wearing it. It would take me extra time to get it right, or right in my eyes anyway. Today it never got to that point. I had hope that I wouldn't feel like a 'man in a dress' when I was done, but there it was, that feeling. I hate it. I never felt like that for all the years of being a weekend girl and then 3yrs of being full time. It's just since I fell into the depression and was put on lots of meds. I HAVE to get off of them! Somehow! I have to be the person I was. I wasn't a man, I wasn't a woman either, but I was closer to being a woman with feelings of being a woman than I am now. I do not like where I'm at.

I have an appointment with my new GP doctor Wednesday. This will start me on my medicaid card. since I have it I can afford to see a therapist. It's time.



Caroline said...

Good luck Wednesday. You know where you want to be so go for it.

I know you will not believe it but if that is todays photo, you did a lot better than you think.

Caroline xxx

Stephanie said...

@ Caroline

That's today's photo. Patty Lou said it looked good too. Wish it did in my eyes.

Caroline said...

Perhaps like me you need close up glasses!

Caroline XXX

Melissa said...

I don't see any man, all I see is Stephanie! You have nothing to worry about sweetie! You look great!

Melissa XX