Monday, February 21, 2011
Searching in the Lost and Found
Well, as the picture shows, I tried to "find" myself today. I didn't, it all felt so awkward. Every step of my make-up process felt like I was putting make-up on a face that it just didn't belong on. I can't understand why it felt like that. It used to feel soo right. I haven't tried being 'Stephanie' since the start of '10. I knew that the make-up wouldn't go on easy like it did when I wore it everyday. There were times when I was just a weekend girl that I would go for a few weeks without wearing it. It would take me extra time to get it right, or right in my eyes anyway. Today it never got to that point. I had hope that I wouldn't feel like a 'man in a dress' when I was done, but there it was, that feeling. I hate it. I never felt like that for all the years of being a weekend girl and then 3yrs of being full time. It's just since I fell into the depression and was put on lots of meds. I HAVE to get off of them! Somehow! I have to be the person I was. I wasn't a man, I wasn't a woman either, but I was closer to being a woman with feelings of being a woman than I am now. I do not like where I'm at.
I have an appointment with my new GP doctor Wednesday. This will start me on my medicaid card. since I have it I can afford to see a therapist. It's time.