Sunday, May 24, 2009

Falling apart...

My emotions are running amok. I sat in a crowded bar last night, me in the corner away from everyone, crying because I was alone. I don't know how to be social. If I get enough courage to try talking to someone, they see the uneasy feelings I have and soon leave me to my loneliness. I started out in this world different, I've lived my life being different, and even now after this change I'm still different. I don't want to be different anymore. I want to be like everyone else, I want to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Today, after not receiving any praise for a miner accomplishment, I exploded at Patty Lou, her being the only one in my life that I could possibly receive any praise from. She is no help, she tolerates my transition, she doesn't encourage it at all. I need someone to be involved with my transition, someone who's not just a passive bystander. She hears me speaking of what I want, what I need, the next step for me, but I get no help in achieving it. I'm more alone now than I was pre-transition. My nervous system is at it's limit, I can't do this much longer. I fear how this will end, for I know I can't go back, I can't go back. I'm going to seek help this week, from where I don't know, I just know I need it.

Sorry about this gruesome entry, I hate writing it more than you hate reading it. Maybe tomorrow the sun will shine and these clouds will be just memories, for that is my world.......



lauracharles said...


I just wanted to thank you for being there for me, even when you didn't even know that you were. I've been following your blog silently for some time and am sorry that I haven't said hello before now. Please hang in there and know that you have been an encouragement.


alan said...

Thinking of you and sending cyber hugs...


Leslie Ann said...

Stephanie, PLEASE follow through and get some help. I know there are money problems and family issues, and the social anxiety just magnifies everything else. I have been where you are. Find a doctor, find a therapist, find a support group, reach out to someone outside the web world. We can offer you limited support here, but you need more.

I hope things look brighter tomorrow. But even if they do, don't put off getting help. Okay? This stuff won't go away on its own. It just ferments and becomes more toxic.


chrissie said...

Steph, pet... I second what Leslie Ann said.

It don't go away on its own. At the very least a Gender specialist councillor will give you, once a month, a face-to-face meeting with someone who not only accepts you, but understands you too.

I don't know how things work between Pattie Lou and yourself, but dare I say there might be more support there than you think?

When one is feeling down and being negative, one can't think of a positive reason with a partner should stick with one.

You say it's just down to fear of the unknown. But fear alone doesn't explain it, cariad.

I doubt there's a partner out there who doesn't feel fear at the thought of seperating, and yet most do it anyway. Pattie Lou didn't.

Love and prayers


Calie said...


Wise advice from your friends...and friends is a key word here.

I'm not sure where you live but if you have not joined a local TG group you should. To be able to sit, face-to-face, over lunch or coffee and discusses issues like this with friends is so much better than sitting in the corner of a bar by yourself.

For me, having friends who understand me (and I include you in this group, honey) is priceless.

I might also add than I use exercise to release the endorphins. It is magical, just how exercise can change your mood and, unlike booze, it is good for you too!

Take care, Stephanie. As soon as I get a chance, I am going to send you a PM.

Keri Renault said...

It's so damn tough not having people to lean on who understand what's it's like to be trans. But, this too will pass and a new day will emerge. You know it, Stephanie. You've been there before. You'll rise & shine again.

I think many in the trans community share the gnawing pain of feeling alone in their feelings, isolated in their differences and without a kindred spirit in sight. One thing you can do is surround yourself with positives. Start with good people. Subtract the negative from your life. Make a good home environment for yourself. Take a positive attitude that you'll get what you want as you continue to work toward your goals. They WILL come to pass.

Finally, I'm not a big believer in drugs. We tend to use enough as it is with HRT, but I will mention Lexapro. Lexapro (or the overseas generic equivalent) turned the tide on my negative self-talk & depression in less than two weeks during the darkest days of my life little over a year ago. You may want to discuss this anti-depressant with your therapist or physician. If it can "get you over the hurdle" as it did for me, then it's better than all the self help books ever written. And a whole lot better than a seat at the end of the bar.

You don't deserve another day of that stuff.

Better tomorrows my friend.

Warm Regards,