Sunday, May 31, 2009

Somethin' just isn't quite right about me.

Well, I won't start a list of the numerous things that ARE wrong with me, I'd never be able to finish the list. I don't think I'll live THAT long. Tonight I'll just pick one of the many that I don't understand the whys, because ofs, and how to fix it, or, if it even needs fixed.

I don't know why I do it, but when I talk with someone, either one-on-one or in a small group, I find myself mentally backing away from the group, person, situation, and wondering what it looks like, what I look like, from a distance. I've even had dreams where I sit in the shadows, watching myself, watch myself. And it isn't about the way I look, it's more like I'm watching to see if I make a mistake, a blunder. I guess that's the perfectionist in me, I hate making a mistake. I'll even not attempt something rather than to try and fail. This certainly can't be good, and I bet that a good therapist could tell me why I do it. Too bad I don't have one. (I'm working on a remedy for that.)

So all you Lucy's out there with your sidewalk booths set up for 5 cent psychiatry, diagnose my problem. You certainly will give just as good of advise as any of the many high priced shrinks that I've seen. I've never been pleased with any of them. At least you know what it's like to be transgender!



chrissie said...


Generally, when i feel like that I crack open a bottle of vodka and start sipping.

Five cents? Ain't you heard of inflation, pet..

That'll be five bucks, please! Ching..!!


Le visage d'avril said...

Try connecting with people on a heart level. Open your heart to them. Listen to what they have to say. In return they will listen to what you have to say. It gets easier. If you are not present talking to people they can tell and they will get uncomfortable. The more relaxed you are, the more other people will relax. I have found a warm smile goes a long way.

Anonymous said...

So nice to find you on here. I experienced what you are talking about when I was in my adolescence. I was so conscious of my behavior that I basically monitored everything so that I would not make some sort of social gaffe. I guess you could say that you are now going through you second adolescence. If one wasn't bad enough! Glad to see you again!