Sunday, May 17, 2009

It's too late, you already clicked on here.

Sorry, this will be a screwed up entry. I've got so much going on in my head I can't concentrate on any one subject.

I've been real emotional the last few days, crying at sad things, happy things, nothings. I had to pull off of the road this morning for a good cry. Driving along, a thought jumps into my head. "Ya know, 2 1/2 yrs. full time, things are going real good with this transition. OMG! What if I really am trans?" (ya know, they really need to come up with a definitive test for this) We all look for an explanation as to why we are like we are, even "normal" people. A definite, YES YOU ARE would help me a lot.

I've got umpteen things that need to be done around here and no will to do them. I can't get the trans voice in my head to shut-up long enough to allow me to do them. ...."All trans, all the time!" ... It's a wonder I don't go crazy.

Sex. Sex with a man. Sex with a woman. Sex, sex, sex. I can't stop thinking about sex. I thought these pills were suppose to stop that. .....Hmmm, the satellite dish man comes tomorrow. I'll paint my face early and wear my tight jeans. I'll be ready...

Diet. At work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I lose 5 pounds. Off on Friday and Saturday I gain it back. I need a weekend job.

I heard a joke while I was at the bar Sat. Your riding a horse, a giraffe beside you. You look behind you and see a lion about to eat you, the horse, and the giraffe. What do you do? ....You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

I'll go now. I'll make a better reader than a writer tonight.



Leslie Ann said...

Steph, dear, are you bipolar? If so, you need to get your meds checked. If not, maybe you should ask your doctor about it. It runs in my wife's family, and it makes them and everyone around them miserable, and this sounds a lot like that. Sounds like depression and mania are doing a lot of cycling. You can't live like this indefinitely. Look into it, okay?


chrissie said...

Steph, pet... a definite test...?

Yeah. that would be nice.

But I now know that all the contradictions that run around inside people like us are par for the course.

But sonewhere inside us, in all that jumble, there's a line that leads us to where we have to go.

It's like those puzzle pages we did as a kid, with loads of lines all mixed up and intertwined, some leading to dead ends but only one leading to the other side.

And the only real guide we have as to which is the right one is our emotions. I now know that when I even think about setting off along the wrong line, I get a real drubbing from my emotions until I find the right one again.

And when I find that someone has dropped a chunk of breakfast marmalade on the page and the pen won't follow the line, I get really pissed off.

As for the sex side of things....

"Sex, sex, sex. I can't stop thinking about sex."

I'm sorry......,? That's a PROBLEM? :)


The Crossdresser's Girlfriend said...

I never worry that you aren't being kind to others...I always worry that you aren't being kind to yourself. I wish you would take life in bites instead of trying to take it down whole.

alan said...

Wish I had nearly as good a reason for all the things I haven't gotten done around here...

Sometimes the only step we have control over is our next one; trying to figure out anything beyond it is completely and utterly maddening. It always seems that everyone else has their short-range and long-range plans, but anytime I've ever tried that life decides it's going to master me rather than me mastering it!

As far as sex goes, I hope that desire remains a constant as well as that love of girls in tight jeans 'til I'm about 95!