Monday, November 24, 2008

Another sex blog...

A warning: This blog may take on an 'R' rating before it is finished. Proceed with caution.

I have had a love/hate thing going on with my penis all of my life. When your brain tells you that you are female, and pleasure is achieved through the thing that you despise the most about your body, it becomes such a huge problem in your life that you would do anything to erase that problem. When the effects of my abuse of drugs and alcohol stopped my ability to have conventional sex, I was somewhat pleased, but it seems the demon beast will not die a complete death and I am still able to achieve orgasm. However, as always, directly after the dirty deed is done, pleasure achieved, there is that overwhelming guilt that comes from the knowledge that I have used 'it' yet again to pleasure myself. You see my problem. Now, with this transition moving along, not that I foresee a time when I will ever become complete, but if I do I question. Assuming, which I understand is iffy, that orgasm can still be achieved after SRS, will I still have this feeling of guilt? I would hope not, but as with many things on that side of the fence that I do not know, I guess, as others have done, I will plow ahead and deal with the consequences. Could it be worse? Not any of this transition so far has been., maybe just a 'PG' rating. We all can use some parental guidance!
.......(this blog was written late, late, last night, after....)


1 comment:

Gillian said...

Stephanie, honey, why feel guilt at all? If you are going against some puritanical ethic regarding pleasure in sex displeasing the Almighty, I can kind of get behind you. Been there. As to a hatred of a part of your body which doesn't fit your ideal self but which still feels good at times, I can't. You are doing nothing wrong, and yet you spoil your pleasure by feeling guilty about having gotten the pleasure from a male organ. I know you despise it, but sometime in the future it will be part of the makings of your physical womanhood.

Love yourself, dear friend. You are loved; you have been loved. Take the gift of pleasure when it comes and give it back freely. And banish the guilt completely.