Monday, December 8, 2008

The Christmas tree...

Physically this transition is going at a snails pace, but mentally things must be changing daily. Memories that were long repressed keep jumping into my head. Some of these are good ones, some, eh, not so good, but I welcome them all because they are a part of me, the me 'Stephanie'. They're making me realize that the fog of boyhood/manhood was thicker than I thought.

A lot of us snoop at Christmas time, more so when we were kids. I guess after having Christmas after Christmas of gifts that were 'all boy', a Tonka log truck and tool belt comes to mind, one year I decided that I'd take a peek. In the middle of the night with everyone fast asleep, I got up after 'Santa' had been there. Most kids knowing that getting caught would not be good would try to sneak as quick as possible, take a look and back to bed. I wasn't like most kids though. The memory that came this morning hasn't much detail, yet, but reading the words 'the Christmas tree', I remembered sitting under the shiny silver tree with the color wheel on in some kind of girls clothes, what or whose I don't know. I had opened a gift with my name on it, hoping that it had something in it that could only be for a girl, me. ...Flannel shirts, disappointment, and then momma catching me sitting there. Repressed memory, put 'Stephanie' away for another day. ...I was well into my twenties, and married, before I would get something that was for 'Stephanie' for Christmas. Like I did in those early years, I hope this year everything I get is for 'Stephanie'. But even if I get nothing, as was the case a few years, I won't be disappointed. I'm finally getting to live my life that I was suppose to live.


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