Monday, April 13, 2009

...and more thoughts.

I spent too much time this 3 day weekend doing nothing. It gave my mind time to wake-up those little talking voices in there, all of them babbling about transgender issues. Snickering, snide little creatures questioning about all of those what ifs and can or can't do's that I have no answer for. They're worried about timetables that were never set because I knew I couldn't follow them, screaming a deafening '55yrs old, better hurry' at me all the time. Admonishing me for being such a screw-up for so long and never planning ahead. Wondering why in hell am I doing this to me, even when I know why. Evil little beasts.
...I wish they'd shut-up.
.....At times, it's almost as hard coping with this girl's life as it was with the boy's life. ........Almost



Keri Renault said...

The operative word being "almost":) I think it's easy for any of us 50+ers to lament lost time and wonder if we'll ever get "where we're goin'." Hopefully, we're happy to have risen above the emotional fray that plagued us for decades--and that we have far, FAR more appreciation for what we've achieved than many who have been handed things on a silver spoon and taken life painfully for granted. Wishing you all the best.

Common Teri said...

I know those little nagging voices all to well. The unknowing "what ifs" and despondency over not having transitioned sooner.

Stephanie I have to tell you how grateful I am that you and Keri and the few other late transitioners are here blogging. There's a commonality we share that I feel only those our age can understand. Like how we fought so long to bury our true gender feelings.

And like Keri said "almost" is key. Without a doubt finally relenting to our inner voices, not the bad ones, but the positive ones that speak to the truth of who we are often overlooked because we are already living our truth. Well it's easy to forget those pretransition voices that nagged us to be ourselves.

If we were to revert it wouldn't take long for us to feel an extreme loss of who we really are.

Stephanie said...

Thanks girls, I've been in a real down period for the last couple of weeks. I was due one of these, it'll pass. This time I've been trying to write through it instead of being quiet. It doesn't seem to be working out so well.

Common Teri said...

Well I'm not so sure blogging about our bad moments is that cathartic. Maybe it just reinforces the negative thoughts. Hasn't worked for me. There is something to the power of positive thinking I just haven't figured out the secret.