Sunday, January 25, 2009

Coming to terms with 'Why'...

In that big file of mine marked Why, there is a long list of questions that I had no answers for back when they were first asked, but even now I still look for. Most will never be known. Questions like; Why did so many of my fathers friends say, "Look at the pretty girls", (meaning my sister Joyce and me) when it seemed obvious to me that I wasn't a girl? I didn't look like one, I wasn't dressed like one, but there were many times, by different people, that they would say this. Did they see something in me that I hadn't seen? And too, by them saying this, did it plant the seed of transsexualism in me? Or was it there before? Since I have no memory before the third grade, caused I believe by a beating after showing the boys at school 'my' panties, I can't look back to when the first signs of my dysphoria began, so I wonder if I'm a product of circumstances. In my teen years, there were a lot of men who wanted to have sex with me, more than what I would think other slim, young males would have been propositioned for. It made me think that there was something about me that brought this towards me. I said yes March 31, 1967, three days before I was 13. I was sorry I did, and didn't do it again until I was in my mid twenties. Why at age 14 did my first therapist come on to me? Was it that he saw this girl in me? This I doubt, he was just a pervert, but it did reinforce that feeling that I was supposed to be a girl. There were many other things like this. So, how much of me started out female, and how much has been forced on to me? This question has no definite answer, and only I can come to terms with how much was there before. To be honest, I don't think there was much there, I think it was thrust upon me. Am I any less transsexual? Our environment shapes all of us. I just happened to turn out this way and I'm doing the best I can with what I was dealt, just like everyone else in this world. I like where I'm going with this, I'm a happy girl, not an angry shadow. That's all that matters.



Renee said...

I don't share the pattern of abuse that you had - and it hurts me deeply you had to go through that - but some of what you say I can relate to.

As a small child, strangers often confused me for a girl. And my only entertainment as a young child was to play with my mother and two sisters, as my father was a bit of a workaholic. Does every child mistaken for a girl or lacking a strong male presence in their life grow up to be transsexual? Clearly not, but given where I've ended up, I do wonder about those things from time to time.

Like you, though, I've concluded that the reasons don't really matter, just the end result. Which hopefully is happiness.

Stephanie said...

I shouldn't have said 'forced' on me in my blog. Thrust would be a better word. Other than one incident in school, I never thought of myself as being abused, and even that incident I wrote off a long time ago as 'boys will be boys'. Everything I ever did sexually I agreed to. Was I coerced? Well, yes, but I wasn't forced, but the female side of me that had been awakened early in my life influenced me greatly. I was looking for answers. I still am.