Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Phases...

Reading through the blogs of transitioning girls, you see different phases to transitioning. There are girls at that first step of finding themselves, deciding that they are indeed transsexual. They find relief, solace in that realization, which is quickly followed by the fear of going forward. Then you can read about the girls who have taken that next step and told someone of their thoughts and their desire to change their gender presentation, the coming out phase. The decision to start on hormone therapy usually follows shortly thereafter. In this coming out phase, with hormones changing their body and their mind, they find the acceptance of most, but not all. That's the same in any one's life, not just the transgender. Some people like you, some people don't. Next comes a big step, presenting themselves as female, a nervous, scary step to say the least. But in just a short time they find that it really wasn't as big a deal as they thought it would be. Soon they are in that same 'ol routine that they were in before their big leep. They go to work, they have a home life, they live a life very similar to what they had before, with very little changing but for their appearance. They find that being accepted as a transsexual is very comforting, a calming takes place within them. I'm at this phase. We know what the next step is, SRS for those who physically need to change their body, but there is a step before that. This step I didn't think I needed, but it seems to be taking on a greater importance as of late. By everyone at work, I'm looked at as a transitioning transsexual, still male, but presenting as female. Their knowledge, and my appearance, is keeping me in a middle ground that, quite frankly, I'm not liking at all. I want to belong, I want to be one of the girls, not just a close facsimile of one. I want to take the acceptance that I have received one step farther. I didn't think I would ever want to be totally stealth about this change, but I my be changing my mind on that. I need this acceptance. Right now, I don't think I need SRS, but this may change too, because, as you see, as I go through these steps of change, my mind is changing too.

Stephanie

2 comments:

Common Teri said...

We are at similar paths in our transitions. Living stealth is something I had to accept as impractical for me. Family and staying where people once new me as male has made that impossible. But like you the idea of just being a woman without the "trans" preface is something I dream of.

I get a taste of being stealth when I go to towns where no one knows my history. I never thought I would be capable of blending in so well, but somehow I do, and I love it! It is such a wonderful feeling to just be seen as a regular female.

Other than being unemployed I'm finding a certain contentment and realization that where I am at now as a woman is actually better than I thought possible for me. I'm learning to count my lucky stars. If SRS or cosmetic surgery should some day be available than I will be eternally grateful.

Yeah like any other woman I'd like to be prettier but we have both both realized a dream to live as our true selves. That's pretty wonderful isn't it?

Stephanie said...

Yes, it is wonderful Teri. Everything you say is the same for me. It's that little taste of just being a woman that is making me want it all the time. I don't think I'll ever be able to achieve that. I'll keep wishing though.