Thursday, June 11, 2009

OMG! I think she killed him!

This post will surely cause you to think I need a padded cell and extensive in-house therapy. And you may be right. The Army did diagnose me with schizophrenia!

All of my life leading to transition, I felt that I was two halves. When I would look in the mirror I would see two halves, the left side being female having more feminine characteristics than the male right side. I was told by Patty Lou and others that I had a different personality that went with each half, although I never thought I did. I was just being me at all times. I did realize long ago that those two halves were at war with each other, both of them seeking dominance over the other. Each half was struggling to survive, neither having enough attention because of the time spent on the other. Well, it looks as though the old girl stayed in the fight long enough until that male half was so beat down and weak that he threw in the towel.

Yesterday, sitting down at the mirror getting ready to put on my make-up for work, I realized there wasn't two halves looking at me anymore, and that I'd not seen that male half in a long time. I don't know exactly when, how, or why it happened, but somewhere along this journey I became whole, one. I think that this joining of the halves is what is making me see life now as so boring. Leading two lives, I had twice the stimulation, and half the time to get bored. (OK, bring on the strait jacket!)

The parts still aren't right, and the junk inside my head is spinning like debris in a tornado, but living as only one is what has made my life much easier. Now all I need to do is find something to keep this girl occupied so she isn't bored.



alan said...

One thing I've never lacked is things I should be doing...getting up and getting to them is always the hard part!


Wispyblond said...

This whole thing becomes boring after awhile and that is a signal of final acceptance within yourself and time for a change.

Most girls go through the dress at home in the closet, venture out, hit the clubs, join a group and the eventually find their way.

After you do this for so many finally hits! I am a woman, so now what? goes on. You get to do the regular stuff that any other woman gets to do. It's basically boring.

I shop, I clean, I don't go out any more because I can't afford it. blogs were more exciting when I was running and gunning trying to live two separate lives out of a suitcase.

chrissie said...

It was not unknown for some in the medial profession, and most especially in the military, to diagnose transgender people as Schizophrenic. It was the only way they could get their minds around it.

As for the rest, Steph. Yeah, you are a woman, hun, and that old doubt and confusion has now gone, I guess. I pray for the day I can leave them behind, too.

So go find a good hobby - aside from sex, I mean..!! :)

love and hugs,


Calie said...

Wow, girl, you scared me with the title of that post!

Glad to see you are now one. Very poetic.

Calie xxx