Sunday, July 19, 2009

de'ja' vu, adieu

Why would I, a transitioning M-F transsexual, have countless episodes of de'ja vu pre-transition, and then after starting transition have none? I hadn't realized that until today when I heard someone talking about their experience. I used to have them all the time, that strange feeling of being some place before when you know you haven't, that it wasn't even possible. I've made decisions based on how some of those would affect me, they were just that real. I haven't had one since I went on hormones 3 1/2 yrs ago. Could my chemistry have changed so much that I don't connect with that level of awareness now? Or maybe I am alone now, no previous life or other parallel world leaking into my space and time. I can't imagine how and why this would be, after all, I still feel like I am the same as before, the same 'me'. Has the me on the other side lost the me on this side? Hmmmm, I wonder.
I wonder about a lot of things...



chrissie said...

Not a medic, but I dare say it might be possible, given what causes deja vu.


Samantha said...

Pre-transition I was powerfully psychic for lack of a better way of putting it. The profound feeling of having been there, or worse, finihsing sentences, thoughts and so for for other people. When I start transition in '03, and HRT in '04 everything went dark. I felt for all the world like I'd gone blind for a while, and in retrospect had.

As Teal'c put it in SG-1 at one point, he'd lost his Mojo. So had I. It was honestly horrifying and depressing for a while. I was also under intense stress with my world coming apart as I was being reborn.

Around four years later it all came back to me with a rush. Stronger and more attuned than ever before. It took some serious getting used to.

HRT has a profound effect on everyone's brain, and as yours is getting adjusted, it will be like you've gone blind too. But it will return once you get adjusted to yourself. Give it time, give yourself time, you'll get your mojo back just like I have.