Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm just a big Dufus!

My never planning ahead has gotten me in more trouble than I could ever write about here. I've let opportunities past by me over and over again. I always put the blame on me being transgender and, in doing that, I can take the guilty feeling off of me. It's all my own fault that I am where I am in this world. Other transgender people have made something of themselves, I should have too.

I got a call from the job placement people this morning. There was a welding job available if I had been a certified welder. I'm not, due to my own stupidity. I could/should have been. I had the chance to go and take the test, free of charge even. But I didn't. Back toward the end of my 11 years of welding at my step-brother-in-laws welding shop, he needed all the certified welders he could get to go to Magic Springs Amusement Park to weld. But I opted to stay at the shop and build all the parts that went out there for others to weld together. I say opted, but really it was because of, (1) my thin eyebrows causing me to shy away from people who didn't know about me. (Yes, I know. When I say I couldn't let them grow, it sounds stupid!) (2) Me wanting to be sure I was off at 3pm so I could get drunk and even higher than I was all day. (3) Get drunk and play dress up on Monday, Tuesday nights. Wednesday and Thursday I primped getting ready for the weekend. In other words, my life revolved around me being transgender so much, that the things I should have put first, I gave a back seat to or sometimes no seat at all. I'm a big dufus! That's a dumb ass for those who don't know what a dufus is. Now if I went to get certified, I'd have to pay to take a class and pay for a test, with money I don't have now. So what do I do? I raise my hands in the air and scream, WHY ME!

I'm a DUFUS!
Patty Lou should have thrown a blanket over me and beat me with a broom handle long ago!



Amy K. said...

Hindsight is 20/20, hun. There's no sense in beating yourself up over something that happened in the past. I know it can be SO frustrating to look back and deal with the should've/would've's. Deal with the now, and shape your past-to-be from this moment forward. You can do this!

(Now where did I put my pom-pom's?)

Melissa said...

Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time, you were doing what you thought you needed to do, to cope with your GID. You probably had a lot of fun too. Don't be to hard on yourself. I worked a job I that absolutely hated for 37 years, because I was so obsessed with my security. Well, I have that pension now, but I feel like I threw my life away to get it. If I only had the courage to go to beauty school when I got out of the Army, instead of going to work in a factory, I would have been in a much better environment to resolve my GID issues, and probably would have transitioned long ago.

Melissa XX

Melissa said...

Ha! Amy and I, must be on the same wavelentgh!


Amy K. said...

Oh my god... Melissa posted the same time as I did, and we both opened with the same three words (if you can consider "20/20" to be a word anyway). Melissa, get off my wavelength! :P

Amy K. said...

Okay... this is officially freaking me out now. LOL!

Melissa said...

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area we call the Twilight Zone." LOL!

Melissa XX (freaking out as well)

caroline said...

Now all I can see is "Flashdance"!

Caroline XXX

Marie Soleil said...

Obviously, I don't know the details of the job market where you live, so this may not apply.

But welding certification where I live is just a "get your foot in the door" type thing. It helps you get a job. Experience is really what an employee wants.

The job placement people don't know any of this. They are just going off a checklist, asking does this person have this, do they have that?

I think you should contact the welding job people directly. Relay the fact that you have 11 years of relevant experience and volunteer to show them what you can do. (I have a welding friend who switched jobs a few years back. Part of the interview involved welding a sample for inspection.)

Don't give up on a good job so easily.


Wispyblond said...

The others all ready covered this, but I will reiterate. Can't make up the past, you can only move ahead in the future. It's never too late.

I you, past on things for one reason or another only to kick myself later..WE all have!