When my therapist added Invega (nerve calming) to my med list, she told me one of the side effects in males was breast growth. "But you won't mind that," she said. (MIND IT! Bring it on!) Of course, I thought it was like other drugs that had that warning precaution on the label, there only for legal reasons, applying only to the .000000002% of males that got sensitive "bumps" who wanted to sue for a large settlement. I took the two week, once a day, "let's see if you have any side effects" dose, and I kinda thought there was something happening in the boob area, but I wasn't sure. I had lowered my hormone intake trying to save money, and I thought that the sensitivity I was feeling could have been attributed to that. But now with the increase in the Invega the doc prescribed, 4 days into it I know that the breasts are "perking up". WooHoo!! .........I think, I don't know, maybe? ....If I don't get a job because of them, that WooHoo could turn to a, "why the hell did I do this to me", damn!!
I hate this, this every step forward being met with doubt. Not doubt that I should be female, that I'm sure of. But doubt that transitioning at this stage of life with my very limited resources, wasn't something I should have undertaken. That maybe I should have let it lie where it was as just a dream. And all this goes though my head with me knowing that I wouldn't be here today if I wouldn't have started transitioning. I feel like I've become the poster girl for, "Damned if I do, Damned if I don't".
It's raining today. S'pose to rain tomorrow too, and the next day. Today it's raining in my head too, with a gloomy outlook.