Saturday, September 12, 2009

Ups and downs

When my therapist added Invega (nerve calming) to my med list, she told me one of the side effects in males was breast growth. "But you won't mind that," she said. (MIND IT! Bring it on!) Of course, I thought it was like other drugs that had that warning precaution on the label, there only for legal reasons, applying only to the .000000002% of males that got sensitive "bumps" who wanted to sue for a large settlement. I took the two week, once a day, "let's see if you have any side effects" dose, and I kinda thought there was something happening in the boob area, but I wasn't sure. I had lowered my hormone intake trying to save money, and I thought that the sensitivity I was feeling could have been attributed to that. But now with the increase in the Invega the doc prescribed, 4 days into it I know that the breasts are "perking up". WooHoo!! .........I think, I don't know, maybe? ....If I don't get a job because of them, that WooHoo could turn to a, "why the hell did I do this to me", damn!!

I hate this, this every step forward being met with doubt. Not doubt that I should be female, that I'm sure of. But doubt that transitioning at this stage of life with my very limited resources, wasn't something I should have undertaken. That maybe I should have let it lie where it was as just a dream. And all this goes though my head with me knowing that I wouldn't be here today if I wouldn't have started transitioning. I feel like I've become the poster girl for, "Damned if I do, Damned if I don't".

It's raining today. S'pose to rain tomorrow too, and the next day. Today it's raining in my head too, with a gloomy outlook.



Melissa said...


From what you have told us about your past, I think your "damned if you do" option, is likely far better than your "damned if you don't"! Would you really ever want to trade today's uncertainty (and that's really all it is), for the genuine certifiable hell of your past? You are a smart girl Steph, so I think you know the answer to that question.

Melissa XX

caroline said...

Melissa got here first again so just double what she said!

I have just been to quote foe a job. A smart organisation where I have never done work before and they were recommended they try me by someone who only knows the old "M"ish me. Nobody flinched when I turned up smelling of Chanel and waving my golden nails about to make points. The fear of being ourselves is all that holds us back from happiness.

Caroline XX

Amy K. said...

I can definitely relate to the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" issue. I transitioned at two jobs and everyone (well, everyone that mattered anyway) accepted me and treated me well. Then I left to live in Michigan to be with the love of my life. Now I have love, but I haven't worked in over two years. I'm so envious of people who seem to "have it all." But if I had stayed in New York, I would be missing my sweetheart.

I'll be the poster child with you. We can pose together, hmmm? :)

alan said...

Somehow I fear had you chosen option one we'd never have "met" and there would be a spot in my life forever empty...


chrissie said...

To go off at a bit of a tangent, why are we all so fixated on breasts right now? :)