Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thoughts because of extra time on my hands.

I'm slowly weaning myself off of my hormones, not because I want to, but because of my financial problems. So far, there hasn't been any major explosions of anger out of me like the last time when I ran out. I cut back the spiro to one (100mg) every other day for a week until I ran out Friday. I'm down to 2mg of estrogen every day. I'll be going to an every other day dose in 10 days from now. I guess it seems strange to you that I would rather pay for a used computer than buy my hormones for two months, but there's logic behind my decision. The decision? Two months of hormones and no computer, or computer for much longer than two months? The computer won out because of the therapeutic properties it has to offer. And, finding even a small job will afford me a minimal dose of my hormones, whereas a computer still wouldn't be affordable. And too, my Invega I'm on is causing me to lactate so maybe there are properties to it that helps a girl like I'll see how this med regimen goes and then go from there.

This 'lady of leisure'/unemployed thing is getting old. I don't see how people can do it. I miss my friends that I had at work, even if they weren't really true friends, the interaction with people is what I crave. I used to hide from people, me feeling unworthy or less than acceptable to be around. GID and all, you know. I was slowly building my self worth up when I lost my job, which put it back a few steps again. I feel I may never be the confident type of person I long to be. It's a slow process. And in this world of throw away people, there's always something that will lurk around the corner to crush your spirit. Building confidence in oneself is hard to do when your constantly looking over your shoulder. I've been looking behind me all of my life. I want to look forward.

The new shows are on television now. Yeah! I watched Cortney Cox in Cougar town the other night. When I was young, I used to like older women, especially the well made-up women. It was more of a longing to be them, look like them thing than a sex thing. I guess I could be the cougar now, but young men just seem so silly, and for me to crush on a cougar now, well, she'd have to 80! ...(sigh) ...time marches on.


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